Wednesday, December 10, 2008

business as usual...

i've been putting a lot of energy into my photography business... which is probably why i haven't been writing here very much (making mental note to make time for both, to keep me balanced and sane).

doing a special promotion for headshots for acting students, targeting the headshot market in new york full force, networking... etc.

revamped the website, which can be found here:
and selling new photoshop actions to other photographers (that are rather fun and pretty darn inexpensive) here:

thank you to all the continued support from my e-friends... xoxo

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

i suddenly felt like saying something...

because it's literally been months. all of that regular blither about my life that always seems to be true... aka "i'm single" and "i really need to start going to the gym again" are all still true. it's becoming winter at the speed of light... strange chapped patches are showing up on my legs again... it's cold. etc. all still applicable.

i just bought a neti pot... i'm going to be one of those strange people that pours warm water or saline through my nostrils every day. i am determined to get my nose working properly... this air here... i'm constantly gunked up, and that's bollocks.

i'm going to take a large gaping break from dating. a few months back i'd said that i was expecting a visitor, and finally had feelings for someone again after what? like four years... only to have to fizzle into nothingness after he left again. distance is not that big of a deal, at least not to me. i'm sure it was just an excuse, the idea of me is not as awesome as the actual me. but i think i'd rather spend the next few months focusing on my business, and growing that business, and making something of my time here... instead of constantly caring that i sleep alone, that i attract idiots, or that i'm craving the good business.

i had a bunch of promo cards printed up for a headshot promo i'm running for acting students.. and they were distributed at two schools in the city yesterday. i'm crossing my fingers VERY tightly that something comes of this. i want ten bookings and i'll be happy.. just ten out of the 150 that i passed out. think happy thoughts please and thank you.

i'll be spending the holidays in southern california this year. my mother's good friend retired to palm springs... so xmas in palm springs and new years in los angeles... i cannot effing wait. i'm on a nine day countdown til vacation and i really can't focus on anything else. seriously.

Friday, October 10, 2008

ice cream, you scream...

slightly disconcerting moment this morning when i realized that someone's perfume had the distinctive odor of my vibrator cleaner. did not need that reminder at 8:30 this morning... that's for sure.

it appears, due to my own good fortune and someone else's idiocy at double booking themselves, that i'll be in attendance at madonna's concert tomorrow night. hi... here's me being excessively excited! i've never seen her live. so... CHECK. word on the street is that her stage performance this go round is rather aerobic. maybe i should wear some legwarmers and get some good cardio in as well. gotta keep your social calendar as multi-task oriented as possible. i mean REALLY.

i'm getting the business in a little over a week and a half. thank the ceiling for visitors with a purpose. i'm well overdue... and behaving that way. which is never impressive.

all of this financial crisis mumbo jumbo is making me very happy that i hadn't bothered to contribute to my 401k over the last two years... now i'm not going to lose more money that i never had. or something a little more grammatically relevant... or correct, even.

i'm rambling.

my lovely friend j sent a freeze dried case of graeter's ice cream from ohio, and it just got here. needless to say, ever fabulous coworker r and i will be enjoying the everloving shiitake out of 6 fabulous flavors in t-minus fifteen minutes. if you need me, i'll be swimming in dairy goodness.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

revenge of the bookeaters...

so early yesterday, i was invited by a friend to join him at a benefit for 826 NYC at Town Hall. 826NYC is a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting students ages 6 10 18 with their creative and expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their students to write (verbatim from their website). all teaching is 100% volunteer based and they have two locations in brooklyn. i'm actually thinking about stopping by and offering my writing or photography skeeeelz.

the show was hosted by Daily Show correspondent John Oliver (oh lovely anglo) and included an interesting array of talent portions, including songs by random siezing asian chick Thao Nguyen, and dude duo Department of Eagles(who, i'm sorry to say, had the worst man haircut that i've ever seen from my forty yards away in my life), and talking points by Ira Glass and Kyp Malone.

Oh hello PAUL SIMON... it's not everyday that Paul Simon randomly walks out onto a stage to sing you a few ditties. I was in heaven. And then this completely beautiful african woman (whose name is not on the website so i can't tell you who she was... but she was amazing) came out and sang a few songs. And i swear to you... suddenly i felt like i'd listened to the entire soundtrack of the power of one in four minutes. extremely powerful voice. i'll need to research who the heck she was.

then writer Jonathan Franzen brought out Bobby Cannavale, Patricia Clarkson (who i just want to lick), Parker Posey (who i also just want to lick), and Tunde Adebimpe. they read a 16 page piece that Franzen had concocted about New York. it was brilliant.

two hours of awesome sauce, all for an amazing cause... loved it.

and then this morning i wake up to try and find a pair of jeans that i can wear under my new gray boots, and somehow manage to squeeze my suddenly smaller ass into an old pair of size 6 jeans that i haven't been able to fit into in the last year. so let this be a lesson, go support the arts and your ass gets smaller.


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

my love commune in scotland...

i feel like taking an entire day off, taking my laptop and headphones, and curling up in a big overstuffed chair somewhere, and doing some writing. i think one of my biggest problems is that i always feel like i have so much to say... but when it comes to the point of actually writing it all down... i can't seem to find the words.

i go back and read old blog entires and think... i wrote that?

the fall/winter always makes me feel excessively emotional. i think it's pretty clear that i'm an emotional and sensitive person... but for some reason, the cold makes me feel excessively so. one wants to get cuddly... and hold hands... and be read to. when in real life does that actually happen? does that happen in your lives? b/c it doesn't seem to happen in mine.

hope is an interesting concept. when do you stop hoping that things will work out and go your way? when do you let go of the romantic optimism, and settle into not-so-subtle realism? i'm impatient... i want the goodness to start now. but then again, i always seem to want the goodness to start right now.

i watched ironman again last night... i really do have a giant gaping crush on robert downey jr. hopefully one day, he'll become my fourth husband. once i start my love commune in scotland, of course. p.s. if the republican ticket wins... i'm starting a love commune in scotland. you're all invited.


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

who knew that there's such a thing as too much cucumber...

there's entirely too much cucumber in my salad right now. if you're going to overdo it on the salad fixings, mister chopped salad maker, can't you give me excessive amounts of avocado or something? now THAT i would love.

someone suggested to me over the weekend that mosquitos are attracted to certain blood types. really? REALLY? they discern between my pinot noir worthy A positiveness? well that makes sense... i'd want to suck my own blood, i'm that derrrricious. either way, after attending a bbq on saturday afternoon, i counted TWENTY-TWO squite bites on my lower legs and ankles... and lemme tell ya...they are some itchy em effers. the heat doesn't help either, since it just causes the bites to swell and itch and some more.

a coworker just IMed me to say that there were leftover cupcakes in the kitchen. yes... i just RAN down the hallway. for crying out loud.

also, i was greatly overjoyed to find out that gabriel macht has been cast as the spirit. i even bought the ridiculously horrible 'because i said so' on dvd because he was in it (hurl).

i'm too lazy to tell you stories... instead, please enjoy this video taken last night. i'm exhausted:

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

i'm a traveling fool...

i was back home in seattle last weekend.. here's a recap of me being awesome:

1. i got to the airport FOUR hours early on wednesday because i brought the wrong itinerary with me.
2. i hit on every guy i met that had a girlfriend. who knows why.
3. i spent an entire day doing absolutely nothing and it was perfection.
4. i picked up a stranger and didn't remember doing so the next day.
5. i took many, many kickassish pictures.
6. i found a dead mouse in a bag of old clothes after exclaiming "this smells like s*%t over and over again until i found it.
7. i took a bath in my mom's new whirlpool bathtub... and found myself up to my nose in bubbles when the water kept agitating the shizz.
8. i fell asleep on the floor of the dallas-fort worth airport waiting for my connecting flight home at 5am. i drooled all over myself.
9. i had maybe the best trip back home that i've had yet.
10. i got a weeeeence of a haircut.

more to follow...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

goodbye summer...

it seems so odd to me that it's suddenly august. well tomorrow it'll be august, if we're really being technical. but where did the summer go? i look at all the new yorkers and tourists and what not sweating their asses off with disgruntled looks on their faces... and i'm thinking all that sweat has GOT to be leading to weight loss... but then i look down at my own sweaty body and notice... nope.

life just keeps ticking by... and the more that i think about it, the more i wonder... what the hell am i doing here? not so much here... but HERE. with this life. i walk the sidewalks and have these conversations with myself (in my own head mind you, we wouldn't want people thinking that i'm crazy), and i have these ideas about what direction i think a novel should take, and by the time i'm sitting down again, i've completely forgotten what i would have written down. i so don't want to become one of those writers that walks around everywhere with a tape recorder... but i really might have to do it.

i pay attention to the random bits of information available on the subways... and i've seen this passage many, many times, but for some reason... reading it yesterday sort of stabbed me in the chest. i'm sure you've all seen it somewhere:

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something ….Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion." - E.B. White

i agree with this thought wholeheartedly... and it serves as a great reminder for me to continue to be passionate about my life here and what that means. i need to focus on my passions and stop worrying about other unnecessary actions or courses. i write... i photograph... i remember that i am passionate. i am a person of passion.

now if i only i could get laid. :)

Monday, July 21, 2008

a little bit of perfection...

i took a four hour bus ride up to boston on friday afternoon... hungover to the Nth degree.

i drank too much on thursday night. and not too much, where it's one glass and you become the loud obnoxious girl... i became the pathetic CRYING girl. heaven help any people that came in contact with me between the hours of 10pm-1am. BAD. i went to happy hour with a newish friend... happy hour become "come to my friends bday party on the UES with me"... which was really me meeting 80 people named "edward t. so and so the third, brokerage and investment director for blah blah blah and i have a yacht". i try not to be judgemental in general. and who knows what i was so blatantly bitter towards the people that i was meeting. but i was literally uncomfortable. and it showed... and i behaved poorly. no excuses...

and my punishment was four hours on a bouncing peter pan bus up to boston.. with a wailing child behind me, and a woman from who knows where on the east coast repeatedly answering her phone and yelling into the receiver 'eh? i dunno.. i can't see a sign... eh?!" over and over again.

eight hours on a bus, to spend two days with friends, is never enough. i feel gilted. like i want to crawl back into my friend Ms blissfully air-conditioned living room, and pet her cat, and watch cable. drink coffee... eat seafood. take pictures. i got home last night to a sad kitty of my roommates and a SWELTERING apartment. the city in the summertime is oppressive, and i've decided officially that i just don't like it.

HOWEVER, i had such a lovely weekend relaxing and being calm.. in a space with no noise and no expectations... and it was completely perfect.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


i do not LOL... i do not ROFL... i *snot dairy* or *high kick* or *shimmie*... shimmie being my most used "hey that makes me so excited i just gave you a little shimmie emoticon that doesn't exist".

anyway... i got home from work on friday (summer fridays, so i was home by 1pm) and started preparing for the weekend's festivities... aka my housewarming party on sunday and all the chopping and shopping that goes along with making white peach sangria. somehow i managed to also take new pictures of arija... but anyways... as i'm taking out a few bags of garbage and what not, i realize that i've let the door to the apartment close and that i'm without keys to get back in. it was about 1:30... arija would be over shortly... and there i was standing in the hallway with two bags of garbage, a box full of broken glass, and an old tv set. super.

i decide to try and climb out of the hallway window (which was filthy) and spiderwoman climb onto our front balcony. the balcony door was OBVIously locked.. and then i realized that the window a/c unit was sitting in a partially open window. so i clambered up onto the ledge... moved the a/c unit... shimmied through the window back into our apartment and put everything back into place. my black shorts were covered in dust/dirt and my hands left dirty prints on the wall... but i was rather impressed with my own ingenuity and shimmie-ing skills.


Thursday, July 10, 2008

okay okay..i GET it.

we all know that love and i have been fighting... and it's sort of like the universe is telling me something.

i'm sitting at home tonight watching one of my netflix videos (that i swear someone's been stealing from my mailbox since i haven't been getting mail lately)... the title is CASHBACK... and it's charming and witty and just romantic enough without being horribly cheesy. and the music is good. and the story is set in england... so obvi i love it.

anyway... the ending scene... a young couple on the verge of love, run outside into the snow... which has stopped and the snowflakes are suspended mid air... and the closing monologue... and the music.

i get it.

Ben Willis: Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away in between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it.

Monday, July 7, 2008

cats, robots, cramps, cake, and something...

i went to see WALL-E on sunday afternoon, and to say that i was in love with the film... well that might just be an understatement. so adorable. so... so adorable.

on the way there i stopped into petco (because i'm on a mission to get a wee kitten) to see if they had any animals there... just to browse mind you. petco in union square usually has a few "kittens" up for adoption. usually they are older kittens. well, i want a KITTEN... a small cat. kitten.

there was a young couple at the counter handling three kittens... five week old mewing little kittens. turns out, they found the abandoned kittens up on the UWS last week and have been trying to find a shelter or clinic to take them. however, everywhere seems to be full. one of the kittens has a cold, they came in to petco to get food and see if the adoption center would take them. turns out petco cant take animals younger than 8 weeks old. OBVIOUSLY i gave the guy my card... because although i can't take a kitten for two more weeks, i want one! BUT, i want to make sure that i'm getting a healthy kitten. even the prospect of getting a wee mongrel makes me all kinds of excited. like it was fated for me to walk into that petco and talk to that couple. fate i tell you.

and to top off all my domestic girliness (hurl), i baked a cake last night. the roommate has being says for DAYS that she wanted some chocolate... so i baked her a frickin chocolate cake. and might i tell you... it's pretty darn fancy.

what's happening to me!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

what exactly is the point again?

i think it's pretty much a given that i'm the listener in my group of friends. well, i should clarify... when i lived in my hometown and the majority of my friends also lived in that city, i was the listener in my group of friends. as time goes on, and i continue to embrace this new town, i find that the holes that i left when i moved away are quickly being filled... to the point where you wouldn't even notice that a space for me had even existed. people are having a hard time with family issues, and relationship issues... and where i normally would be the big ear and shoulder (listener and hugger, if you will), now i hear things later. after they've talked things out with so and so, and so and so new friend was there last night to be the voice of reason etc. why does this bother me? i have no effing clue.

or maybe i do. because when you invest in a friendship or relationship with someone, you want to continue to be as important to them, as they are to you. regardless of where i live, i still keep three or four names at the top of the list that are my emotional dumping ground, and the people that i turn to when I actually need to talk about things. it just hurts to realize that this isn't necessarily the reciprocated case. this has been brewing for awhile...

i'm seeing a lot of breaking up and separating... marriages, friendships, relationships... ending. and i wonder why i stay away from such things. because endings SUCK. and the last time that something really ended for me, it was almost three years ago... and to be honest, i don't really ever want to go through that again. i found some old pictures that used to hang on my wall... and my roommate was looking at them and said "he's HOT!"... and my heart actually ached.

i think i've officially lost my optimism when it comes to love. if one more person tells me that something has ended because "the timing wasn't right", i'm going to throw up on the spot. timing is bollocks. if two people can come together and agree to work at something, because it's within them to be together... then you just DO. no one says "hey i'm in love, lemme check my watch to make sure it's the right time". you don't make excuses, you find the way to make it work. and if it isn't within you to make it work... LET. IT. GO.

some of you are reading this and thinking "oh shit, she's talking about me"... "she's angry that i vented to her yesterday"... and that's just not the case. multiply your problems with that of six other people, and you'll understand what i've been listening to for the last twenty four hours.

good riddance, love. i've lost my faith in you.

Monday, June 30, 2008

the things that go on in my mindscape...

one of my good friend and coworkers likes to torture me via new music. and it becomes torture because once i discover something new that i love, i listen to it over and over and over AND OVER again until i then hate the thing.

but this song... i mean i LOVE it: you'll have to click here to listen since it won't let me embed

i've had a weird cough/cold for the last two weeks... someone brought it to work and of course my lungs just grabbed hold of it and haven't let go. i hate waking up at 3 in morning due to a coughing fit. i mean really, it's just dumbski.

sent out a few emails today, reminded a few people that they SAID that they wanted to shoot, and am being proactive about finding some photography jobs. it's been a weird summer thus far in regards to my creativiy... aka it's been nonexistent... and at least now, i feel myself pulling out of that a little bit.

the new apartment is really coming along, i've got my faux wall o cubes up and it's beyond brilliant. if i could somehow find my way into ownership of some ceiling fans and window a/c units i'd be all good in the hood. money is dumb, just in case you were wondering.

i've also been cooking up a storm. if i had my druthers, i'd cook a meal for the household every night. does that mean that i'm ready for full domestification? who knows... but i'm practicing. :)

Friday, June 6, 2008

let's get drunk and... tumble on the granite floor.

my roommate is an ex-ballerina and i'm an ex-gymnast slash hip hop dancer slash jazz dancer.. whatever. our new apartment is wall to wall granite flooring.

last night i came home a weence tipsy from a magazine networking happy hour event (read free white wine) in the UES. in our underwear, we discussed the nature of our self perception and wants from relationships with men. talked about our days, and what we were going to do over the weekend... we laughed. and then as we sat in the living room (on a blanket because the new sofa doesn't get delivered til next friday) (oh yeah i bought a sofa yesterday, woot), the subject somehow came up about pointe shoes. so she got hers out... two pair. and i tried to stuff my giant size 9s into her dainty little shoes (they didn't fit, but no matter). i tried going up on toe, and just couldn't figure out 1) why it KILLED and 2) why my feet weren't bending the right way.

and then it occurred to me... i have screws in my foot. i don't know why i constantly forget that i had that surgery and that i'm never going to be able to move the same. regardless, there i was holding onto the wall up on my toes. and that's what pointe is... there's no padding in those things. you are balancing on the very tippy top of your toes. and it effing HURTS.

so then we were done w/ the ballerina portion, and we were stretching... and i busted out some splits (don't ask me how i can still do them), and then started talking about tumbling... and so i decided that i'd show her some stuff via the hallway and the living room (sans sofa). 11pm slightly tipsy tumbling on granite floors... NOT a great idea. just in case you were thinking about trying that some time soon. my right wrist is not happy this morning.

but hey... at least i can still retain a little bit of my youthful awesomeness. i mean... at least there's THAT!

Monday, June 2, 2008

let's talk about my weekend...

no seriously... lets.

i actually don't have anything particularly amazing to tell you. i saw the SATC movie on Friday night (and really they should've just made an entire new season and not squished all that action into one speedy movie) and then managed to stay up and watched seasons one AND two of grey's anatomy.

that's right... i didn't sleep on friday night. and i was up until midnight on saturday trying to get to the end (which still didn't happen, i had to watch the last few episodes last night). i jumped into the show during the beginning of season three, so i had no backstory. a friend wanted me to have backstory. so i watched... and watched... and watched.

it's a rather cathartic experience, truth be told. i turned off my phone and spent thirty hours BAWLING. once an hour. because that's what those writers DO.. they aspire to make you cry.

so now i'm all cried out, feeling emotionally great today, well rested (i spent yesterday in the sunshine), and oddly thoughtful.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

the making of something good...

i happen to like those salad stations where you just stand there and spout off the ingredients that you want while some rubber gloved dude flings contents into a bowl for you. here is my can't go wrong combo of awesome:

lettuce (preferably of the romaine variety)
cheddar cheese
one egg
diced chicken
green peas
one scoop of ranch (if you just say ranch they throw in three scoops and it's terrible).
mix... and eat.

i know that everyone in new york is complaining about the nonstop weird rain weather we've been having (a la seattle), but frankly i love it. a lovely breeze just seems to constantly permeate. and i'm a fan of a nice breeze.

my roommate's cat has taken to my bedroom. i came home last night to find her in my closet, cuddled up with my shoe boxes. maybe she just loves shoes as much as i do. and since my roommate was out of the house last night, the cat slept on my bed. i can't even tell you how happy this makes me. i've missed having cats in the house.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

swell season/interference

i love those days where a friend calls/IMs/texts to invite you to a show that evening... especially when it's to see someone you LOVE. in this case, it was my friend M, and she was taking me to see the Swell Season. you would only be familiar with them if you'd seen the movie ONCE, or were a fan of The Frames, or Glen Hansard himself. aka if you weren't completely dead to all things awesome.

Glen has such an unbelievable voice and stage presence, and i've seen him about seven times on stage. usually at smaller venues, pubs and bars... all over the place. well last night they sold out Radio City Music Hall. and although i missed the intimacy of being smashed between a bunch of beer toting sweaty dudes swaying to the music, i was really happy for their/his success.

and friends... he ROCKED it. as usual. and i still love everything about him... his humility, his charm, his talent, his range. guhhhh.

and they had a completely wonderful opening band (that are apparently HUGE in ireland) called Interference... this appears to be their website and they were bloody brilliant. the lead singer, fergus, is in a wheelchair and the rest of the band sits on the floor or in chairs to play with him... it was beyond moving, and the man's voice is beyond soulful.

i'll let you enjoy.

Monday, May 19, 2008


we all know of my love for the word "awesome"... i love it even more when it's screamed at me by someone else.

my weekend included WAAAAAAY too much alcohol... rugby match watching (love. this. sport.)... laughing, sunburning, and all around awesomeness. i love those nights that warrant returned phone calls the next day by friends in CALIFORNIA b/c i decide in my drunken delirium to call my guy friends that live nowhere near me. btw, if you're going to try to booty call someone when drunk, try picking someone that lives within... saaaaay... an hour or so from you. not the other coast. i am clearly awesome.

apparently i was throwing out lines like "what time are you off? should i just give you an address?" to the bartender... yelling at dumb guys that who were being rude to my girlfriends, and buying shots for EVERYONE. and by "buying shots" i mean, not spending a penny while at the bar. so who knows who bought them... but it wasn't me.

which brings me to the purpose of this post. imagine, if you will, the next morning... when my evening's bed mate had asked very sweetly to borrow my toothbrush (something that i would normally say absolutely NOT to, but let it slide this time), and then limped into the bathroom (a rugby injury not so much MY fault). a few minutes later i hear the sonicare start buzzing... he's brushing, he's brushing.. and then i hear "THAT WAS AWESOME!!". gotta love a good sonicare clean, man.

of course i would have preferred to hear that after any sort of good business, but this just makes for a better story. he was like a three year old with a new toy.

awesome: sonicare.
not awesome: a full day hangover.


also... nina is the name of my drunk alter ego. and she, as a thirty-year old single woman, enjoys the naked. it's true, she just does. and sometimes, she wins the argument over moral judgement and appropriate behavior. here is how she managed to finagle this evening:

him at around 8pm (after the game which started at 1 which is when i started drinking): i'd like to buy you dinner.
nina: okay!
him: let's leave now, i'll buy you some dinner.
nina: okay! (we leave)
him: what should we eat?
nina: i have an idea... (dials diner near her apartment and orders a burger for pick-up, walks him onto the subway, and heads towards queens).
him (as nina is trying to eat said burger): that can wait.

aaaaaand then it's 5am and nina still hasn't had anything to eat. the poor dear.

Friday, May 16, 2008

awesome/not awesome...

welcome to the next installment of awesome/not awesome...

awesome: being completely moved into a new clean apartment.
not awesome: having to go back today and clean the old apartment.
awesome: sore muscles from all the heavy lifting.
not awesome: having pretty much every one of your friends flake on helping you carry boxes, due to mostly drunkenness, dates with boys, and avoidance.
awesome: sumitting a decent sized invoice for a photography gig.
not awesome: broker fees... why do we REALLY need them?
awesome: extended spring seasons.
not awesome: leaving the house without an umbrella.
awesome: receiving flowers at work from a girlfriend.. simply because you're having a bad day.
not awesome: being far away from those friends that you want to give a hug to.
awesome: any form of cheese, really. and morning coffee and cheerios. and YOU, dear reader(s).

happy friday. your turn... A/NA

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

for the record, i am NOT pregnant.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh the powers of persuasion. two of my best girlfriends, after hearing me complain of excessive fatigue, early periods, general dizziness and nausea, and odd cramps... were CONVINCED that i had an ectopic pregnancy, and for their own piece of mind made me go home after work and buy a preggers test.

for the record, i have NEVER... i mean EVER... had to purchase a pregnancy test. i've never had to pee on a stick, make sure to hold the stick with the test end down, try to wipe while holding said stick upside down, and then wait two minutes while the test ran itself whilst sitting on the bathroom counter. ever.

for the record... i know my body. i know when something is actually amiss. my body and i are seriously bff. the test gave me a BLARING negative result within seconds of setting it down... and stayed that way for the following two minutes (actually five minutes b/c i just wanted to prove a point to myself).

i felt ridiculous... and i little angry.. because now i can no longer say that i've never taken a pregnancy test and never had a scare. well you know what, i can still say that. because i didn't HAVE a scare, and it was a waste of eleven dollars. and yes, they are both sending me five dollars to cover the cost of their own idiocy. so JUST FOR THE RECORD, i'm not having someone's baby.

carry on with your day. kthxbye.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

it might be the weather or just the storm clouds in my head...

i can't seem to shake this pervasive feeling of tired. i get into bed exhausted, and it takes me several hours to fall asleep. then in the morning, it takes over an hour of hitting the snooze button to get me out of bed. it's been like this for the last two weeks i'd say. is this because of the change in season? i don't feel particularly melancholy... a weence stressed b/c of financial issues (always) with moving and what not... but i'm not actually sad. i'm not sick. i'm not anything.

i'm looking forward to this summer with big eyes and an open heart (which is a nice change). i have high hopes of NOT dating... and of not caring that i'm not dating. because to say that i'm tired of pretending to be charming and tired of pretending to not get my hopes up when i meet someone new, is a severe understatement. i just want one of two people to come back, give me a very large hug, and tell me that i've been missed (followed by some sort of naked smooching activity). unless that's going to happen, i don't even want to bother with the rest of it. over it.

my mother was in town over the weekend, and i joined her and her also 60-something friend for high tea at the waldorf astoria. her friend kept asking me question after question about my life and where i was going etc, and my mother just sat there. like she finally GOT that i didn't like being constantly pestered about my future. when i said somewhat flippantly "i figure that if i'm not married by the time that i'm 35, i'll get articifial insemination... twice... and be done with it"... and she nodded. she NODDED. my "i want my daughter to have a perfect life, and get married, and have lots of babies, and be successful" mother NODDED her agreement that such a path would be okay for me. like finally it occurs to me that my mother doesn't so much want me to be happy for her own sake, she actually just wants ME to be happy. it's like my heart just burst open and i can breathe again.

the fact that spring is extending itself past one week in april is beyond lovely. i like this cool breeze, and drops of rain pretending to freshen up the dirty city streets. in my opinion, it can stay. stave off the swass season, i'm fine with that... although last night i found myself putting on the hooded sweatshirt that was sitting at the foot of my bed... because i was exceedingly cold, and because sometimes when you want to cuddle up to the person that ISN'T sleeping next to you, it's important to wrap yourself in something familiar and comfortable, and tuck up in your own arms.

for some odd reason, my period came an entire week early. i couldn't figure out why i was being such an insane yatch two weeks ago. now i know... it was early pms. and one would think that if the period comes a week early, it's done a week early. but not so. i am currently enjoying day ten in the trenches. welcome to the wonderful world of NOT awesome.

p.s. i did not enjoy sweeney todd.

Friday, May 9, 2008

mister depp is singing to me...

i'm watching sweeney todd for the first time as i type this... johnny depp singing is kind of an oddity to me. and yet, i still want to lick his face.

signed the lease on a BRAND NEW apartment about a block away from where i'm living now. i now have a dishwasher... her name is marjorie and i love her already. we move in on thursday, and really i'm just counting down the seconds til i get to run around in the fancy new pad. i. love. unpacking. conversely, i fricking HATE packing, although it's a good excuse to throw out old clothes that i dont wear anymore and dust off knacks that have been sitting on a shelf for the last year.

the summer action adventure season is upon us, folks. ironman, indiana jones, batman, and wanted... excuse me while i go change my panties.

Monday, April 28, 2008

i said it would be wee...

so maybe my wee break is over now.

sometimes you run out of things to say. or sometimes you just run out of ways in which to say it. OR, and this is more to the point, you get tired of hearing yourself talk via your fingertips and really just want to tell yourself to shut up. also, the concept of blogging every day, when i have work to figure, things to read, and images to edit... is sort of redonk... and i choose to not be beholden to it... even if that mean's being beholden to myself. what? who cares what i just said. moving on.

i had a bff in town the week before last and it was just so lovely. she's the kind of friend that can just snuggle in bed and watch movies for hours with me. we talk via facial expressions and giggles... and that's always my favorite way to communicate. we stunk of meat. we spent part of that saturday (not last saturday but the one before) at central park, sunning ourselves in wee bikinis (a laugh and a half) and reading... then made our way down to a bday bbq in brooklyn (say that three times fast), and because by the time the food was ready to be cooked, we'd had about two bottles of white wine... she and i TOOK OVER in the kitchen and at the grill. have you ever seen me with tongs and a metal spatula. back the eff off. i'm like a weird competitive bbq man that has to man the grill.

by the time we left the party a few hours later we literally STUNK of meat. two showers and several changes of clothing later and i still stunk of meat. it was awesome and foul all at the same time. needless to say, when i made meatloaf last week for myself, i wore rubber gloves. and no, i'm not joking.

i was privy to my first game of rugby over the weekend. i didn't play, mind you. i watched. i consumed some beer and tried to pretend that i wasn't watching three dozen short-shorted men running back and forth and hugging each other on the ground.
quite possibly the best sport ever in the history of the world. maybe.

if it wasn't raining today, i'd declare to the world that it's officially spring, and probably throw out a few woots for good measure. so i'll just wait for now.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

holler holler...

i'm taking a wee break... you'll be fine without me. :)

Monday, April 14, 2008

my weekend in boston...

totally worth the painful and completely boring four hour bus ride it took to get up there. this is heather:

and this is eoin (pronounced owen):

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

go go gadget downtown bonanza...

i adopted the term "downtown bonanza" a long time ago. it's a dane cook reference... from back in the days when he actually did stand up... and therefore, made me laugh.

anyways, i'm currently having a conversation with a male friend of mine about the downtown bonanza and about the various scenarios in which the DTB can be unpleasant: the girl just doesn't maintain a nice landscape... has an excessive element of pungeancy (totally not a word)... etc etc. and so he's telling me about how he ended up going home with some "girl" back when he was in his early 20s and they'd been out dancing all night. he said the experience was NOT awesome.

now this seems rather obvious to me. it's not like i'm going to want my bed companion to come directly home from a two hour gymathon some weekend and drop trou in the kitchen. who needs a ball sweat salad in the middle of the afternoon... i mean GEEEZ. so likewise, i would probably make sure that my business was freshly laundered, trimmed, and ready for the DTB.

poor guy... really makes me laugh though. the good ole DTB.

doubt is a vicious, vicious beast...

and once it enters the room, the entire dynamic changes. in the span of a few weeks, i've gone from new excited companionship... to doubt... to spending time with someone who leans away from my kisses. i can't even begin to tell you how much that affects the soul. it's crushing.

life tends to throw all kinds of curves at you... usually challenges and negative what nots to try and throw you... but i also think that you're never presented with challenges that you can't handle. so when someone goes from adoring the sight of me, to leaning away... i know that it's not me. and without allowing myself to get too cynical or bitter, i know i'll be fine... with whatever happens next.

i'm still here... and i'm better than fine.

Friday, April 4, 2008

sounds about right...

oh the wonderland... oh the adventure... oh the rollercoaster that is my love life. not to be too impressed with the level of awesome that was week one of a new amour, it turns out that the possiblity of a return to england (permanently) wades on the horizon.

please... send me someone lovely, that for the first time in years i actually think about spending massive amounts of time with... and then take him away again. because that just makes my day.

that dead inside mantra was a lot easier on the soul...that's for darn sure.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

heart pounding, can't hardly breathe...

movie line... don't worry.

i feel like it's basically spring. and i know that it's basically spring b/c i wore flip flops this morning. and people looked at me like i was crazy. some man on the subway accidentally stepped on my foot and then exclaimed all aghast 'you're not wearing SHOES!'. umm yes, sir, actually i am. this particular type of footwear is sometimes known as a "slipper" or "flop". he said sorry about twelve times, so i felt bad for him... but still. it's spring.

this morning i had a momentary fright when i went to check my facebook page and saw that the "guy i've been dating for a whopping week" removed his status as "single". my body got all tingly and then i felt like maybe i'd throw up. rather an unusual reaction wouldn't you say? yes. the answer is yes. all the girlfriends keep asking 'well would you WANT him to be your boyfriend?'... and i can't even answer that. you know why? fear. i am utterly afraid of being vulnerable. so as much as i say that i'm open to a relationship and i yearn for intimacy and all that blah blah, the circumstance that it may or may not be staring me in the face, scares the holy bajeeezus out of me. deep breaths, deep breaths. (and p.s. the answer is yes... the guy is lovely relationship material... but give me more than a week to make that decision ladies.)

in other news, i would kill someone for some cherries jubilee ice cream from B&R. like seriously.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

apparently it's all about music lately...

love this: Paolo Nutini - New Shoes

Friday, March 28, 2008

and more music coming your way...

i would MARRY sam sparro...i don't care that he likes boys. cuz i do too!

try not to bounce around, i dareth thee!

i'm as quiet as a mouse...

i've been rather absent, haven't i? my apologies friends... and strangers. i've been enjoying the almost spring time in new york city. the endless canoodling that goes along with dating someone lovely (someone who plays the guitar and takes more amazing pictures than i do), and trying not to get 1) too excited or 2) ahead of myself. because we all know that when i acknowledge and talk about something, it goes away.

so mums the word for now... i'm just practicing my britishisms, and being mocked endlessly for quoting movie lines a split second before they're said onscreen.

what have YOU been up to? tell me good things...

Monday, March 24, 2008

looking inside...

when you can look inside of someone else and recognize an endless amount of love within them, such a generosity of spirit and genuine goodness... such things make me so happy (read teary eyed sometimes).

i feel a little bit of a pang deep down inside of me when i meet people that obviously give so much, but never seem to let themselves get it back. you can have any number of excuses as to why you don't need it, or seek and find fulfillment in other avenues and other ventures... but there is something else in the vulnerability and letting go associated with simply letting someone love you.

i'm very bad at it, myself... and have to remind myself constantly to actively try to change the behavior. but it's also a good reality check, when i can recognize the trait in a friend, and just hug them. love is everywhere... you just have to let it in.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

a veritable explosion of awesome in queens...

it. was. gorgeous today.

after spending all day yesterday helping sole and jacob paint their apartment, i got to spend today soaking up the awesome that is eric laurits. in my role as mentee, i watched him work his magic for some engagement photos for my friends. i'm a little overwhelmed, and have a ton of photos to dig through, but i'm feeling rather giddy, and very happy to have legitimized a new, good friend.

so thanks eric... you can have awesome for today.

and yes, he really is that pretty and enigmatic in person.
i might have just licked my screen...

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

ill be busy til mid july...

we all know that i'm sort of a professional dater... and in this world of "your social life meets resume writing", we come across a variety of characters that simply do not know how to 1) behave and 2) communicate properly. dating is a beast all it's own.

i've heard every combination of amazing pick up line, dating errors, and terrible break up on post it situations. my friend amanda mae and i have decided to devote a blog entirely to the disasters of dating, and the ways in which dating is mishandled.

mae was recently broken up with via text message with, when asked the next time he'd like to go out with her, "i'll be busy until mid-july". ouch.

and so, we give you ill be busy til mid-july the blog. please feel free to email us or comment with your own stories. from seattle to new york city, we've all been bludgeoned by the unthought out blunders of someone NOT awesome.

here's to us.. and them.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

you're so morose, it's gross... and i'm verbose

yes... clearly i'm ridiculous. you don't have to say it.

here's what i discovered today (and no i'm not such a morbid thinker usually, the topic came up when someone that i know lost a friend yesterday... or something):

i have not had anyone close to me die. no close family members, no close friends, no weird freak accidents, no someones lost to strange health issues at a young age... nada. and yes, i'm knocking on anything wood or woodlike near me right now. is that weird? is it weird that the only examples of loss that i've ever experienced in life are ended relationships and heartache? i think that's weird. not that i'm hoping that you all drop dead tomorrow, but i think that's unusual. i can't think of anyone i know that hasn't lost someone.

i also dream about my mother dying or getting into an accident... a LOT. it happens so often that i'm numb to the idea of her keeling over tomorrow. i get nervous when i watch her arthritic legs walk up and down the stairs in her condo, but the concept of her death seems so foreign (and yet familair b/c i dream about it all the time) that i'm not touched by it. who KNOWS how i'm going to behave when she actually passes. i wonder what my reaction will be. frightening.

i've also been daydreaming about falling up and down stairs lately... every time i get to the top of a flight of stairs, i pause for a second and grab the handrail. of course i'm wearing heels more than usual... but still.

something is about to happen... because all i can think about is doom and disaster. hold the handrails people... something is coming.

and happy tuesday... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

Monday, March 17, 2008

green with a lack of envy...

i am neither irish nor a fan of beer... green looks muy terrible on me. i hate crowds. however, if i press my face up against the windows along one wall of our offices, i can watch a parade. oh how i love a parade. oh how i hate reasons for tourists to cluster up.

i was going to run some errands over lunch, but now that i think about what the subway station below our building on 5th ave is going to be like... i'm starting to reconsider.

it's been unusually cold here... the weather channels say that it's going to be high 40s and low 50s, so i've put away my winter coats and am just wearing my thin spring/fall coat. except i'm fuhREEEZING today. but i refuse to pull the winter coats back out. refuse. i will continue to shiver a little bit as i walk down the street, sometimes remembering to put my "leather driving, eventhough i no longer have a car, gloves" on. i will smile at you, with these new freckles peeking out on my nose.

i will continue to spend an entire day out on a fire escape watching movie stunts being filmed on our street (p.s. i saw some pretty sweet ramp jumps yesterday), and i will continue to flirt with strangers.

i have no idea what this blog entry is about... my brain is oddly fuzzy this morning. stupid uterus.

happy st. patty's day!! xoxo

Saturday, March 15, 2008

the streets were paved with gold...

i'm sure that a few weeks ago i mentioned how excited i was about the new movie wanted coming out in june. well two weeks ago a notice was posted in the entry of my building saying that the streets would be closed due to movie filming... stunt work to be exact... for the very movie that i've been creaming panties over....WANTED.


james mcavoy is standing outside my building...RIGHT NOW!

they are working on car chase scenes on our streets, and i'm over at my neighbor's house, out on the terrace staring at him.

just another reason why i love this city... fast and gorgeous cars and the opportunity to see one of my very favorite actors (and newest addition to the top five laminated list) twenty yards away from me.

Friday, March 14, 2008

be careful, your face might get stuck that way...

i've got a very sour expression on my face right now. all week long, i've been getting mighty excited about concert tickets that were going on sale today. goldfrapp has long been one of my favorite artists... an amazing combination of electro, dance, and rock music. she's amazing live. AMAZING. so when i found out that she was touring again, i flipped.

until spencer told me about her new album and i went to listen to snippits on itunes. she's gone from upbeat dance awesomeness to melancholy ballads that are not soulfully interesting. i do NOT want to sit in the bowery ballroom for two hours listening to her wimper... i want to DANCE. i want to make the 'yeah daddy don't hurt me' dance face, and take over the corner of a dancefloor.

i feel like i piece of my body has just been ripped off and flung onto the floor. NOT AWESOME.

in other news, it's friday... and i have an amazing weekend planned. expect pictures. ;)

Thursday, March 13, 2008

it's a hard pill to swallow...

no really, my B-complex vitamins really ARE hard pills to swallow. they're massive and yellow and taste like dirt. but metallic dirt. not the dirt that grows carrots for example... at least that dirt smells good. (i'd also like to point out that my fingers are possessed, and EVERY time that i just typed out DIRT, i spelled DIRTY first, and had to erase the Y. you care, don't lie.)

i'm doing it. i'm in my health kick zone. i've started taking my vitamins, i'm drinking my protein shakes in the morning (although 20g of protein every morning really frightens me when i think of how long it's now going to take my body to push out poop...aka forever), doing my pilates, bringing my gymbag to work, going tanning (believe me, slightly tanned skin makes things a lot easier when it comes to staring at yourself in the mirror naked), and adopting an overall healthy lifestyle.

except i'm now reading the label on the back of my B-complex vitamin bottle. who needs 3333% the daily value of thiamin? or 2941% the daily value of riboflavin. 2941 is an awfully precise number... how do you KNOW? and what is thiamin even good for?

oh how i love wikipedia:

Thiamine plays an important role in helping the body metabolize carbohydrates and fat to produce energy. It is essential for normal growth and development and helps to maintain proper functioning of the heart and the nervous and digestive systems. Thiamine is water-soluble and cannot be stored in the body; however, once absorbed, the vitamin is concentrated in muscle tissue.

ummm yes please. i'd like my steak medium rare please, with a side of thiamin!!

this is also another side effect of healthy living, tanning skin, and glimpses of sunshine. i turn into my summertime spastic self. lord help us.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

book review - add this to your list NOW.

last night i read a book. yes mike, i read a book in a sitting. it happens, so i spose you should just get used to it now. :)

EVA MOVES THE FURNITURE by Margot Livesey. Here's the synopsis:
On the morning of Eva McEwen's birth, six magpies congregate in the apple tree outside the window--a bad omen, according to Scottish legend. That night, Eva's mother dies, leaving her to be raised by her aunt and heartsick father in their small Scottish town. As a child, Eva is often visited by two companions--a woman and a girl--invisible to everyone else save her. As she grows, their intentions become increasingly unclear: Do they wish to protect or harm her? A magical novel about loneliness, love, and the profound connection between mother and daughter, Eva Moves the Furniture fuses the simplicity of a fairy tale with the complexity of adult passions.

to say that i loved it would be a severe understatement... the story was pure magic.
go... do it.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

awesome/not awesome

since i haven't done one in a while...


not awesome: having to take just two... they're DELICIOUS!
awesome: sunshine after a rainstorm.
not awesome: the inch long white hair that i just plucked out of my chin. why can't you see those buggers before they get to be an entire inch long?
awesome: new shoes.
not awesome: the blisters that the new shoes leave you.
awesome: a healthy mindset and being excited about going to the gym.
not awesome: looking at oneself naked in the mirror in the middle of winter.
awesome: i clearly LOVE making lists.

now you're turn. today's awesome/not awesome.

just one of those days...

ever have those days at work where you look at the organized little piles of tasks to accomplish for the day, and secretly wish that you could throw your arm across your desk in one sweeping motion and send everything crashing to the floor. yell fuuuuuuuck EWE, and go striding out the door to the elevator?

i might be having one of those moments.

i would like to talk about the ever-exciting concept of misplaced frustration or anger. now tara, you say, throwing your work onto the floor and swearing obscenities is not the way to handle your stress. but, dear reader, i wasn't talking about myself.

i work with a few choice individuals that are very brilliant, yes, but they do not know how to channel anger, rage, frustration, sadness.. aka emotion. suddenly someone will be standing in your office screaming at you about how the mailroom didn't deliver the mail this morning, or that someone sent them an idiotic email and they just don't understand why people are so stupid... or any number of things. i'd like to make this all really clear for you readers... this is not my job nor my problem. this is what my best friend K lovingly refers to as a YP: YOUR problem.

what is it about office politics that makes it so difficult for individuals to coexist in a respectful, organized, and efficient manner? do not yell at your coworkers. do not yell at your peers. do NOT yell at your subordinates. and certainly don't yell at other people's subordinates. we do NOT love that. you will quickly move to the not awesome list and will remain there. for. EVER.

ting! <--- that's the noise my fake cheesy smile makes when i'm pretending that i give a flying patootie what you need. it's fun try it. TING! slight head tilt.

carry on.

Monday, March 10, 2008

it's things like the following that make life worth living...

a email that i received today...

and i QUOTE:

I'm new in town and can't find my way around; could I have directions to your place? ;-)

soooooooo NOT AWESOME that it borderlines on awesome. i love this town.

when life hands you rainstorms, make shoe purchases...

i had all of these plans for the weekend... that included a solid round of LIC exploration, self portrait practice, and general artistic kickassery (or something). and then the heavens opened and dumped about forty-seven million gallons of water on the planet. i don't know if you know this about me, but when there's that much water outside, i feel absolutely no need to get out of my jams. so in my jams i stayed. i even skipped the sia show that night. martha - gasp. katie - gasp. tara - gasp. yes, i missed the sia show. i even tried to get on craigslist last minute and get rid of my tickets (wish i'd thought of that the day before....bygones), but no one emailed me back. i watched seven movies in one day instead.

so yesterday, when i woke up to a beautiful sunny sky, and semi decent temperatures... i made sure that my "day of shopping with the girls" was extra-awesome. my friend S works for the parent company that owns nine west... and they were having an employee 50% off discount weekend. ummm yes S, i WILL go shoe shopping with you this weekend. thank youuuuuuu. and in honor of all things awesome, here is what i purchased:

black sunglasses

these sunglasses in the brown/tan option... very aspen. and i feel rather badass in them, because... well obviously they're just rather badass.

these next two shoes are for work and were purchased at nine west (at half price):

and the next two are from dsw (god i love that store), and are steve madden and calvin klein respectively...
(can't find the actual picture of the shoe... but it's sort of like this in red)

and then of course i spent all night prancing about in my jams with these shoes on... cleaned out my closet, got rid of about 15 pairs of shoes that i haven't worn in a long time (aka i don't like anymore).. and made room for my new boxes.

it's important, when one is feeling not very feminine or girly, to buy an inordinate amount of new shoes. just to balance everything out.

next up: skirts.

Friday, March 7, 2008

come closer, i can't see you...

first of all, it must be noted... that i really cannot see right now. somehow, somewhere between getting home last night (when they were on my face) and taking them off... and getting to work this morning... my glasses are NOT in their case. every time i take off my glasses, i put them in the case in my purse. that's where they GO. i got ready for bed, brushed my teeth, put on the glasses that i keep on my nighstand, read a few chapters, then went to sleep. i'm at work now, and the glasses case is empty, and i have no idea where my glasses are. imagine me, if you will, with my face stuck up close to the screen, and you'd have it about right.

cut off my arm why don't you?

yesterevening was pretty entertaining. i had dinner at blue fin last night, and after spending a little bit of time looking at the images on their website, thought that i'd be in for a fancier evening. it's in times square for crying out loud, who knows WHAT i was thinking.

i like to have a good time with waitstaff...waitpersons... whatever you want to call them. i've had that job before, and really, there's usually nothing better than getting a friendly table that tips well... in a sea of not awesome. so i like to be the fun table... i include said waitperson in our conversations, ask advice on random issues, and generally rib whoever is serving my food. i'll even stab at your hand, for example, if you dare to try to take away my plate of beets before i am finished. our waiter last night was pretty playful. excessively bushy eyebrows, mind you, but a pretty fun guy. he was clearly on my dinner companion's side of things as our conversations progressed. they teamed up against me. but that doesn't matter... it was a good meal. and then, the greatest thing happened. as we were looking over our dessert menus, the waitperson (i wish i knew his name) leaned over and fourth finger caressed the top of my menu asking if i "saw anything that i liked". he did it subconsciously... because when i looked up and said rather loudly DID YOU JUST FOURTH FINGER CARESS THE SIDE OF MY MENU WHILST ASKING ME IF THERE'S ANYTHING THAT I WANTED!!?, he turned every available shade of red. it. was. AWESOME.

we went to see be kind rewind after dinner.

easily one of THE most amusing movies i've had the pleasure of seeing in a looooooooong time. jack black and mos def make a pretty believable comedic duo, and the story and plot were ridiculous and charming all at the same time. if i had four thumbs, i'd put them all up in the air for you. go see it.

and then go enjoy your weekend. it's play time, people. do it.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

do two half-awesomes equal an entire awesome?

just like there are two sides to every story, i'm sure that there are two sides to every person. not like HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII i'm crazy, bad baby BAD BABY levels or anything like that, but an inner and an outer person, a loud person in a quiet brain, etc. well i have about twelve people inside of me... and for the most part, they all talk at the same time, ALL the time.

i have two creative outlets currently... books/writing and photography. i work in book publishing at a major house and am surrounded by painfully intelligent people and my sponge like little reader brain soaks up all the words that i possibly can. my to-read piles at home are seriously ridiculous. i'm going to reorganize my bookshelves in my room just to make it look less painful. and i'm not kidding. HOWEVER, i LOVE that about my life. i love that i can read something that i was introduced to or recommended to or read before you did-id. and some of you love it too.. because you get my cast-offs... those amazing advanced reader editions that show up on your doorstep in festive (aka not festive) little ups boxes.

i adore my boss... i'm lucky that way... because there are some wackjobs in this industry. i learn from the editors around me... i absorb. not...write. besides these trivial missives that no one but my inner diva cares about, my major work of fiction is not going to suddenly jump out from these entries. i need to write while it's still in me to write.

and then i'm a freelance photographer.. portraits... headshots... weddings (occasionally, if i like you)... etc. i'm not as good as i should be for the amount of years (two) that i've been doing this, even if part time. i want to take classes. i want to travel to visit other photographers that i admire and learn new techniques. i want an assistant and a style team. i want to learn. i want to grow. i'm a decent photographer... but i want to be great.

so as a decent writer and a decent photographer... which do i choose to be my AWESOME outlet? it's confusing... and utterly frustrating. because really, my entire life has been filled with hobbies and sports and talents that i've been decent at. just decent.

things to ponder.

(and this entry is NOT an attempt to fluff my ego and piledrive me with accolades... and i'm not sad or even mildly pmsing... i'm just talking aloud... so let's not go there.)

i am the kind of girl...

that spends WAAAAAAY too much money on import music. guhhh.

this is currently on it's way to me...

we love her. and i'm such an anglophile, it's retarded. i really should just move to london and be done with it. sheesh.

this weekend i promise to get outside and take some pictures... maybe even play with the new remote timer and put my face in some moderately decent pictures, b/c i haven't felt photogenic in a loooong time. i will hold hands with my girlfriends, sip on ladylike-esquely named adult beverages, and buy a new pair of shoes.

and then i will smile at you and run away. and you'll like it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

gutwrenching perfection...

there really is nothing better than being sucked into the middle of a wonderful story, having it rip you apart, and leave you resting in a puddle of your own mix of joy and despair... tears streaming down your face... contented smile tugging at the corners of your mouth.

i read the Myth of You and Me by leah stewart last night, and it was absolutely beautiful. a well written story about the dynamic of friendship and what fear can do to you. if you're a member of tara's book club, go pick it up immediately. and then call me so we can talk about it.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

donde esta mi doppelganger?

i love it when other people think that i look like other people. for a very large majority of time, people said that i looked like teri polo. well, when i was bobblehead skinny they said that i looked like teri polo.

now my bff at work is telling me that i look like ingrid michaelson... really?:

and yes, as soon as i find a pic of myself with my glasses on making this exact face, i will post it here.

until then...

Monday, March 3, 2008

sex is on the brain...

and it's not just MY brain, it's everyone's brain(s). perhaps spring really is on it's way... but i'm hearing it everywhere. those of us that have weathered the winter virus (literally and literally) have come out on the other side ready for every spring related shenanigan available to us. aka romping, handholding, the good business, three hour makeout sessions, and anything else good ju-ju that we can throw in there.

this of course means that my season of weird sex dreams has started. and it really will last all season... probably through to the end of the summer. sooooo last night i had a pretty killer SD (sex dream - for those of you not paying close enough attention). it involved a summer vacation complex, where i forgot to bring sunscreen and walked from room to room asking for some... which obviously in my porn-soaked mind meant that my dreamself had a lot of sex with my friends (who weren't actually any friends that i recognize from real life, just dream friends), and who were almost all (interestingly enough)... women.

that's right: last night, the dream me had a lot of summertime rompiness with a bunch of ladies. perhaps it's last week's excessive viewage of the L word that is still on the mind... bygones. it was hot. i make no excuses for the fact that from time to time i fall into the neck-up lesbian category. there are worse things after all.

also... went to see step up 2 yesterday. CLEARLY the storyline was stupid, but the dancing was amazing (much better than the first one), and featured this little delicious nugget. robert hoffman:

happy monday and happy almost spring... or happy romp hunting all you hormonal wondertwins. i heart you.

Friday, February 29, 2008

coming out of the fog...

what is it about that first day after being sick (or hungover) that is so magical? all of a sudden, there's that little extra pep in your step. you want to listen to loud music at your desk and bounce about in your chair. or maybe that's just me? who knows.

eventhough i'm still blowing my nose every five seconds, these halls vitamin c "defense" cough drops are delightful, and i think i'm finally out of the woods. my ears are still plugged up, so i have to play my music louder than normal, but at least i WANT to play my music.

in fact, i've been rocking out to the playlist on my own blog all morning. just. can't. help. myself.

and if you feel like having a moment of awe, go read my friend stella's med school admission essay... i've never been more proud of her: read the magic of the kevlar

Thursday, February 28, 2008

when life gets a little rough and/or tumble... add a little sunshine

dating is hard. it takes a lot out of you... all that being on your best behavior, putting your best foot forward, remembering not to belch in front of someone new (that hasn't yet been introduced to the cacophony of your burps), having to put makeup on and shave your legs, the not so joyous tasks of letting someone down that you like but don't LIKE, and then starting all over again when you realize that the current crew just isn't hitting the high notes... or more to the point, making YOU hit the high notes.

i signed up for another month of it's payday and i was in the mood. last month garnered 1300 profile views, 212 winks received, 73 emails, 7 first dates, and 3 second plus dates. frightening statistics indeed. i swear i'm going to start saving the gem openers that i'm receiving from some people... just so that we can all giggle later.

since usually winter is a tough time for me, i'm delighted to find that i've stopped biting my nails again and i've got some significant growth going on here. that's good stuff. means that i'm not feeling anxious. the only bad thing about this winter is the beluga like coloring of my skin right now. way to make a girl feel NOT awesome. so i just bought this (the bff from california just introduced me to it last weekend and it's amazing):

there are worse things then being pale and awesome... but tan and awesome is just a little bit better.

mental note: must book plane ticket back to seattle soon so that sugin can fix my roots. spring is soon to hit NYC and i must be prepared for full dactyl shenanigans.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

what to think...

not sure what to think when my boss sits me down today to talk about how worried is about how sick i seem to constantly be getting. i hear "i'm disappointed in your job performance" when he says "when was the last time you had a physical, and maybe something is wrong with your immune system". i'm sure that it all comes from a good place, i just don't need the reminder that i'm slipping a little bit. i know that i get sick a lot in the winter time... germs hate me.

a nice man sent me flowers yesterday to brighten up my sick day, and i took this.

Monday, February 25, 2008

little did he know it was one avocado...

do you ever find yourself saying things... funny things (that only your closest friends would ever get)... to complete strangers? i do that all the time. inside joke phrases that only certain people know. i'll just blurt them out, and then have to backtrack with "it's funny to some people".

one of my best friends was in town this weekend, and we had such a blast. she got in late thursday evening and after canoodling for a few brief moments, got ready and hit the town. that night we hit five bars, ended up dancing with a bunch of europeans (i ended up stealing one of their passports and have no idea how to get it back to him... poor francisco), falling in the snow three times total (i have bruises everywhere), and stumbling home at 5 in the morning.

friday, we got out of bed at 2pm and spent part of the day shopping and wandering around the city. it was torture for me, jasean was somehow feeling just fine. came back home, got ready, and went out to dinner at STK and enjoyed one of the BEST meals i've eaten in my entire life. make note... if you come to visit, this is where we will dine. i thought i'd died and gone to heaven... seriously. then we went to naima to meet up with legendary house producer Jay-J, to celebrate his birthday and hear him play some great records. i danced my tooshie off. if you need to find it, it's on the floor somewhere at naima.

saturday, we got up a little earlier and headed to the Met to get us some of that darn culture stuff. jasean and i are similar when it comes to appreciating art. we like and dislike the same things... don't linger toooo long, and really only care about the impressionists. so we saved that wing for last and spent a good thirty minutes drooling over my favie monets.

she wanted to make sure that she saw ground zero and the statue of liberty, so we hauled it downtown as the sun was going down. the lady is not that exciting from the financial district in the dark. by this time, she wasn't feeling well and i was tired, so we went back home to rest before another night out.

except, we never got out of bed. she had become puking sick and my head was hurting so badly that i could barely see. that lasted until she left the next afternoon, and now i'm sicker than i've been all year. poor things. we still had a stellar weekend and it was so great to spend quality time with her... but now i feel like death, so excuse me while i slurp down some soup.

carry on.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

what a day for a daydream...

i wish that i could take a picture of my office right now and show it to all of you. yesterday i arrived at work to find out that a pipe had frozen and burst on the 11th floor causing most of the floors below it along one side of the building to flood. guess whose office received the brunt of the awesome on floor number seven? that's right... mine. the water had completely ruined the carpet, killed my printer, computer, and telephone, destroyed one wall of bookshelves and most of the things on it, and made my entire office uninhabitable. the smell... oh lord the smell. so... my boss gave me a day off. how lovely right? i ran some errands, swore that i would go home and do laundry, and then proceeded, instead, to do my nails and watch the first half of season one of the L word (i am now hooked bee tee dubs).

didn't get any laundry done whatsoever... which i'll be scrambling to do today after work before my best friend from california gets into town for the weekend.

anyways, my office. the carpet is relatively dry now... with a giant fan/turbo blower on the floor pummeling cold air onto the floor (and into my lungs, so now i'm coughing and sneezing like a crazy person). they've ripped up the trim in here so it looks sort of like a war zone. my phone isn't working... or it works on speaker, which you wouldn't be able to hear because of the turbo fan... so i have no phone. i did, however, get a new and bigger computer monitor, so i feel like i'm watching movies at my desk. tres awesome.

soooo i'm now picking through dried piles of paperwork that were on my desk... trying to decipher the handwriting on the wrinkled pages. it's a good time. thank goodness that i have tomorrow off as a vacation day. two day work weeks are sort of awesome.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

i found my heart in delaware...

this last long weekend, i found myself on the delaware shore with friends. my girlfriend's grandma has a condo in bethany beach, so we took two carloads of friends down to the beach. we ate (well), we drank (a lot), we took walks on the beach, went swimming in the indoor pool, some of them worked out, we laughed, we watched movies. and i got to witness a great friend propose to his girlfriend. one of their first weekends together as a couple was spent in the exact same spot last year, so he decided that it would be appropriate to commemorate THIS weekend with an engagement ring. and being the only person in the group that knew he was going to do it, i was ablaze with excitement. i was the secret cohort, the co-conspirator... put in charge of actually putting the engagement ring on the wineglass charm before dinner, and my hands would NOT stop shaking. i couldn't make a bow with the string, i'm not kidding... i was in the bathroom for five minutes and finally gave up, tying it in a knot instead. she was so surprised. they make an absolutely beautiful and wonderful couple and i was just so happy to be included.

we also had a five year old with us (this is the same five year old that i spent an entire holiday party sitting on the floor with playing 'memory' all those months ago, if you're keeping track).

she has that disheveled, i live in a third world country (minus my polka dot pink bathing suit) kind of thing going on.. but that's because we were all laughing and playing tag a few moments beforehand.

i forget sometimes how much i love children... since i live in a world of adults in the city. this last weekend was the most rejuvenating experience. my heart feels full.

when penelope sits on your lap, as she's apt to do while watching any sort of movie, she'll lift her arm up and play with your hair, twirling it around on her finger... and is always holding a hand or something like that. the love and affection of a child...there really is nothing like it.

other women worry sometimes that they won't be good mothers... i don't worry that i won't be a good mother, i know i will be. i just worry that i'll never BE a mother (don't respond to that part... i'm just braindumping).

i'm back in the city after three days of atlantic ocean, fresh salt air, great beach walking, and a lot of laughter. it's a good day.

please smile...

Friday, February 15, 2008

weird dreams are made of thee...

i had an utterly bizarre dream last night. normally i don't remember my dreams, i am merely left with a vague sense of memory, or adventure, but i never remember specifics. for some reason, i remember almost all of my dream last night. and it included a bunch of people that i've never met before, but they all had distinguishable faces and names. i ended up falling in love with a man named steve. i have an ex named steve that i sometimes think about and wonder the 'what ifs' of me actually moving to new jersey six years ago and actually marrying him... but that's neither here nor there. he married someone else last july and we no longer speak. moving on.

the man from my dream was named steve, and he lived in a house with his sister and a few other people. it was a big house, and the main bedroom had a big bed that was low to the ground. there were a lot of weird adventure related elements to the dream that i won't bother going into... but the odd piece of it that is still resonating with me is that i felt loved. whatever relationship i was creating with this steve in my dream included him loving me. and as sappy as this sounds, it's been so long since a man actually loved me, that i woke up with tears on my cheeks. so girlie.

my dreams are sometimes a foreshadowing of what will occur. i have had instances of supreme deja vu, or experienced something that i KNOW i dreamt about a few nights or weeks before. not to say that some guy named steve is going to love me tomorrow, but for some reason i woke up feeling really hopeful this morning... and very anti the bullshit.

i even wrote a few emails to men that i've gone out with over the last few months that sort of pulled a slow fade or just haven't followed through on the things that they said they'd do... we all know how i love the slow fade... and i feel better having at least put it out there that i don't appreciate the cowardly bow out.

gotta love being thirty...

definitely, maybe

british john and i went to see definitely, maybe as our "valentine's day is dumb, let's buddy up and go to the movies" event. we met outside the movie theater only to find out that the showing was sold out. as he exclaimed "it's sold out to me", a man leaned in and said "i have free passes if you'd like them... but you didn't get them from me." i personally thought it was a scam... turns out, not so much. KY jelly was doing a radio sponsored give away and the rest of the people in the audience were all winners... we just happened to be lucky loud people and got in for FREE. love that.

the movie was charming... ryan reynolds managed to carry a movie without having to take his shirt off (which i was a little sad about really, because he epitomizes the pretty to me) and abigail breslin is, of course, adorable. i will clearly purchase this on dvd when it comes out and add it to my ever-increasing pile of sunday afternoon movies.

and just because it was valentine's day and i felt like it... i bought more ck cheekies... because OBVIOUSLY i need more bloomin underwear. pfft.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

happy day of naughty snogging...

or something...

i love that time of year when tax returns and paychecks converge in my bank account. suddenly i have a surplass of cash and my happy little hands rub together with excitement deciding what little treat or two i'll buy myself. a few weeks ago i was discussing the possibilities with rach, asking her if i should get that fancy new lens or pay down credit cards. oh wise sage... rach quietly urged me to pay my bills. the jerk. the lovely jerk. so instead of being stupid, i paid down a very substantial chunk of bills... and then managed to buy only a little treat (or two) in this delicious little number:

and a remote timer for my camera. aka i spent not very much money at all, managed to spoil myself a little bit, AND was smart and took care of some actual life business. yay me.

happy day for snogging. i'm going to go see definitely, maybe with my friend john tonight. maybe we'll hold hands, just to celebrate the day.

xoxoxox carry on lovers.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

you can totally come over...

it comes in the mail tomorrow... and yes, i WILL be jumping on my bed and singing all of these songs at the top of my lungs.

you can totally come over.

chipmunk adventure = AWESOME

Monday, February 11, 2008

how much will you spend on a pair of men's underwear?

if you looked at this ad, would you spend more money then you should?

the answer is yes... yes you would.
i don't even have anyone to wear these for me, and i'd buy a pair. eeeeesh.

30th birthday recap

sushi dinner = awesome
one bottle of sake = awesome
drinks at brass monkey in the meatpacking district = awesome
20 people in attendance = awesome
6 or 7 mini bottles of champagne (for just myself) = awesome
lilies = awesome
carrot cake cupcakes = awesome
smiling friends and lots of dancing = awesome

hangover for the next two days = NOT awesome but totally worth it.

helloooooooo 30!!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

awesome / not awesome

cheddar cheese = awesome (obv)
half assed gestures = not awesome
sleeping in an extra hour = awesome
being sore the next morning after a good gym workout = awesome
being forgotten = not awesome
hugs from girlfriends = awesome
good suhmooches = awesome
commitment issues = not awesome
mashed potatoes = awesome
carrot cake = awesome
new cheekies = awesome
clean sheets = awesome
pungent body odor = not awesome
excessive douchebaggery = not awesome
action adventure films = awesome
president's day weekend trips = awesome

this will continue... it all breaks down to either awesome or not awesome.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

it's my pity party and i'll blog if i want to...

please note, this isn't actually a pity party... it's just on my mind. really i don't think that anyone is going to get this except douche (because we share the same birthday and are the same's magic).

i'm turning 30 in three days. yes, it's true. on friday, i'll no longer be a 20 something. whatever. i'm not so much even focusing on the fact that i'm turning the big three oh. everyone keeps asking me if i'm excited. why would i be excited?

the something-oh birthdays are technically milestones once you pass the 21 mark. and as such, should be sort of a bigger deal with big parties and lots of celebrating.. some sort of love fest (and not in the orgy way). so when people ask me if i'm excited, my answer is no... i'm not.

i would get excited if my three best friends all called randomly from the west coast to say that they've been conspiring to all come out to see me this weekend and give me hugs. that would get me excited. because as you get older (or as i get older), i want to spend time with all the people that make me feel the best about myself, and know me the best... the ones that i don't have to pretend in front of. because when you're thirty, you don't want to spend an evening "celebrating" your big birthday with a bunch of people that you've known for less than six months that know nothing about the you from the college years, and the "where's my SHIT!" you from your 28th birthday. new friends are amazing, don't get me wrong. truly amazing. but it's not the same. so i suppose that i'm trying hard not to wallow in this last three days thinking that i can't have things the way that i want them, and just be thankful that i know ten people in this city that want to watch me blow out some candles.

also adding to the not awesome are responses to my email invite to join for drinks like "i just don't like going out that late" (ten pm.. what?) and invites to their own house parties on the same evening. not awesome.

life seems to hand out some pretty interesting cards. good thing i'm not playing old maid right now...

Monday, February 4, 2008

it's like TORTURE!!!

i'm supposed to wait until JUNE for this!!!!!! sometimes it's just so obvious that i would totally lick angelina's face if given the opportunity...

i'm just saying.

one of those random days where i'm glad to be a new yorker...

eli manning is a sniveling doofus that really needs to learn how to keep his mouth closed. why does he always look like he's confused or about to go to sleep? anyhoozle... the superbowl yesterday was boring. we were all complaining about it, the commercials were kind of stupid, the halftime show not that awesome. i'm pretty sure that i almost fell asleep on the couch just after the third quarter began (which i think also might be because of the large amounts of 7-layer dip that i'd eaten... i do love the dip)... and THEN!!! the entire room couldn't stop woo-hooing. how nice in that moment to feel like a new yorker. such an amazing play...

driving back through manhattan to my house was interesting. block after block after block of UES bafoons screaming and running in the streets. blatant jackassery, that's all that was. i still smiled at them all though.

i had a great weekend, got out of the house a ton... spent time with good people. couldn't ask for more than that really.

happy monday... ugh.

Friday, February 1, 2008

what is WRONG with me?

i actually dare you to listen to this three times in a row and NOT start bouncing around to it. clearly i'm a twelve year old... but i don't care.

do it.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

cassandra's dream

how ANYONE could give this movie an above average rating is beyond me. after deciding that i'd go see it and perusing the split decision reviews on metacritic, i was kind of surprised at how horrible this movie was. i've never wanted to punch colin farrell in the face so badly in my entire life. his facial expressions were hilarious and the storyline was predictable and not awesome. i predicted everything that would happen almost down to the detail and knew precisely when they'd decide to end the movie... aka at the wrong moment.

woody allen... oh woody. how i don't love you... and you keep reminding me why. i laughed a lot during this movie of yours, and i'm pretty sure that this wasn't your intention.

if you're as much into accents as i am, then the film will be completely worth the two hours that you'll waste. okay fine, it's not THAT bad, and the in the dark hand holding that accompanied the movie completely made up for it. i was entertained... but not overjoyed when all was said and done.

the poster is kickass though...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

donations welcome...

p.s. i'm now saving for this beast... which according to everyone is a necessity.

it's also $1200. i think my pancreas just exploded. ugh.

in the back of mind, i can rationalize this purchase by also using it as a dumb bell to lift with. so not only will my shots be kickass, but my guns will be a-BLAZING!

ouch ouch, you're on my hair.

as i was heading back into the locker room after my workout last night, i was presented with an interesting site. seven or eight very tall and lovely (fully rigged) firemen were standing around a woman that was holding her ankle and looking very unhappy. i stopped... stood there drinking my water and just stared at the menseses. they were pretty.

now i ask you, does a broken ankle require eight huge men to help you... as well as three ambulances and a firetruck outside blocking traffic with their lights swirling? i think not. however, i'm starting to wonder if an ankle injury at the 51st/lex NYSC location isn't a BRILLIANT idea.

i think i feel some ankle pain coming on...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

don't grocery shop on an empty stomach...

that whole saying about not going grocery shopping on an empty stomach, should also be extended to online shopping. for example, don't decide to look for your favorite food items that are not available on the east coast, when all you've eaten all day is a giant tub of gummy bears.

i ALMOST purchased 6 giant bags of tim's cascade jalapeno chips and a 2 pound loaf of tillamook medium cheddar cheese, for the combined total of $40 with shipping. come on dactyl, you're not THAT ridiculous.

i'm still really wanting the chips and the cheese though, people. i'm not going to lie.

Monday, January 28, 2008

bon weekend...

i spent all weekend unhermiting myself... which was fantastic... and then sunday, i did THIS:

this is my adorable friend meghan...

hugs and kisses friends!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

taking it back the old school..

or not really.

i have some friends that are in an 80s cover band, so last night, a few of us ventured to DUMBO to watch their first show. a little too much wine, a little too much woohooing, and this morning i'm left with half a voice and a big grin on my face.

also, it must be said... i'm listening to the new blake lewis album (he's from seattle, we share friends, i'm being supportive) and the damn thing is GOOD. i try and stay low-pro about my ridiculous musical choices but i can't help it. this is absolutely a dance about in the cheekies style album. although at present temperatures i'm wearing socks, pants, and two long sleeved t-shirts (but i'm pretending that i'm in the cheekies).

also, if you don't know who leona lewis... you should. her voice is pure brilliance. her new album is also amazing. and yes, these people are both american and british idol winner/runners up etc, and yes... i'm retarded. just go LISTEN!

don't judge me... i'm fancy... and music makes my soul smirk. :)

Friday, January 25, 2008

sometimes taking that next step is a bad idea...

sooooo the last few weeks, i've been talking to some people (aka men/boys/guys/etc)... some of which... delightful, i look forward to meeting in person, trying out that hand holding thing... attempting to look you in the eyes for an extended period of time without blushing... etc.

some... not so much. i'm sure most people would agree that there are certain "steps" that you would follow whilst meeting people from the interweb dating sites. you email on that site, then you move to normal email, then maybe IM, then texting, and then up to a phone call. then depending on how the voice interraction goes, you think about meeting in person. and usually by then you have a sense of whether or not you like their personality, and you just hope that part of your loins/heart/reactionary bits respond positively to seeing them in person.

then there's the guy, who on the phone, makes you crawl out of your skin every time he laughs. you rub your temples trying to be strategic about how to get off the phone, and then about how you can let him down gently...because it's clearly not going to be easy when he's already talking about "showing you around town" and referring to you as "babe". and please note (as if you didn't know this about me already), i HATE being called babe. if you are not my boyfriend of several weeks/months/years, you do not get to call me babe... or hun... or cutie. or some other pet name that makes me want to stab sharp objects into my eyeballs and maybe punch a puppy or two. don't do it.

sometimes i hate dating, and sometimes i love it. and sometimes i have to calm myself down about getting excited about someone new that i'm talking too. have to be patient, go slowly...blah blah blah BLAH. what if i just want some good smooches, eh?

okay, that's enough of that. i'd love to close with this factoid: one of my girlfriends just ended our IM convo with "i'm gonna go have sex now"... and i love her for it.


Sunday, January 20, 2008

clearly i'm ridiculous...

but we already knew this.

twenty degrees outside and still we shot photographs. ah yes...totally worth it.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

men vs women

it goes without saying (and yet, here i am bothering to say it) that men don't often have to plan their footwear around WHO they are going to be spending an evening with. that's so odd. i'm having lunch with a man that is 5'11"... so i'm wearing flats right now.


Monday, January 14, 2008

i am the author of my own legend...

since i've been back in town after the holidays, i've been extremely solitary. part of that was due to my being sick, but even now that i'm feeling back to normal, i just want to be quiet. seek some sense of peace perhaps? i'm not really sure. i'm starting to wonder if i'm sabotaging my move here... meaning if i don't go out and meet people and see the city and enjoy myself... LIVE, in other words... then i'll despise it and move on... or move back home. i don't know why i'm doing this, per se, but i think that i am. and maybe this is me acknowledging that fact. saying something out loud (because clearly i'm saying all of this out loud whilst i type it) makes it real. i just don't know what i'm afraid of.

it occurs to me that people will perceive in you exactly what you want them to see. if you exude anger, you are angry. if you show them fear, then you are afraid. if you don't display confidence, they will not know that you are in fact confident. the key is to walk with your chin up... turn the music up louder, sing if you have to, skip while you stream down any sidewalk. just remember to live in exactly the very fullest version of you that is inside of you. and do not be afraid. fuck "them". because no matter who you are and where you are at this very moment in time, you are perfection. the author of your own legend.

i have a plan.

i haven't been sleeping well. i haven't been able to get myself asleep before midnight, and up in time to wake up and be alert by the time i get to work. i hit the wall at 2pm again. i feel like taking naps at my desk. i had to fix it... so i went to the gym today after work and kicked the everloving bajeezus out of myself. my arms aren't moving very well, but at least i managed to tucker myself out.

via this online dating endeavor, a guy started emailing me today that looks frighteningly similar to my exboyfriend. seriously. they may be related. i even said as much to the guy and he asked to see a picture. even HE said that they look spookily alike. i really don't think that i can date someone that looks like someone that i already dated. what if i shout out the wrong name? and really, i don't want another reminder of that wasted time of my life. next!

in other news, i watched an advance dvd copy of i am legend last night. why no one bothered to tell me that it's a movie about zombies, i'll never know. you jerks. here's me reading every metacritic review before i see a new movie from now on. i can just imagine... had half-asian jacob been here to sit with me while it was on, he would have been jabbing me in the sides to make me jump even higher at the suspenseful parts. p.s. i didn't like it... and my opinion has nothing to do with the zombies. and p.p.s. long sweeping views of a completely desolate manhattan, with shrubbery growing in odd places and birds chirping (who hears birds chirping anymore?!), is completely unsettling.

bygones and good night.