Tuesday, July 1, 2008

what exactly is the point again?

i think it's pretty much a given that i'm the listener in my group of friends. well, i should clarify... when i lived in my hometown and the majority of my friends also lived in that city, i was the listener in my group of friends. as time goes on, and i continue to embrace this new town, i find that the holes that i left when i moved away are quickly being filled... to the point where you wouldn't even notice that a space for me had even existed. people are having a hard time with family issues, and relationship issues... and where i normally would be the big ear and shoulder (listener and hugger, if you will), now i hear things later. after they've talked things out with so and so, and so and so new friend was there last night to be the voice of reason etc. why does this bother me? i have no effing clue.

or maybe i do. because when you invest in a friendship or relationship with someone, you want to continue to be as important to them, as they are to you. regardless of where i live, i still keep three or four names at the top of the list that are my emotional dumping ground, and the people that i turn to when I actually need to talk about things. it just hurts to realize that this isn't necessarily the reciprocated case. this has been brewing for awhile...

i'm seeing a lot of breaking up and separating... marriages, friendships, relationships... ending. and i wonder why i stay away from such things. because endings SUCK. and the last time that something really ended for me, it was almost three years ago... and to be honest, i don't really ever want to go through that again. i found some old pictures that used to hang on my wall... and my roommate was looking at them and said "he's HOT!"... and my heart actually ached.

i think i've officially lost my optimism when it comes to love. if one more person tells me that something has ended because "the timing wasn't right", i'm going to throw up on the spot. timing is bollocks. if two people can come together and agree to work at something, because it's within them to be together... then you just DO. no one says "hey i'm in love, lemme check my watch to make sure it's the right time". you don't make excuses, you find the way to make it work. and if it isn't within you to make it work... LET. IT. GO.

some of you are reading this and thinking "oh shit, she's talking about me"... "she's angry that i vented to her yesterday"... and that's just not the case. multiply your problems with that of six other people, and you'll understand what i've been listening to for the last twenty four hours.

good riddance, love. i've lost my faith in you.


Karen said...

The only thing that's ended for me is my wedding dress, but the marriage is still very much on.

(I'm attempting to restore your faith just a little.)


Miss Adventurous said...

Oh dear.

Well if it makes you feel any better, I'm kinda with you. Pfeh on love.

Funny, I was just thinking about you yesterday! Some guy I went out with emailed me and said "I want to see you again but I'm out of town on business for two weeks so I'll be busy until mid-July. What are you doing then?"

I had to laugh! It can't be all bad.

Amanda Mae said...

If you give up on love, It'll give up on you. And from my experience? Love is no sort of quitter.

Shaolin Punk said...


Jeremy said...

This entry made me very sad. You know how cynical I can be, but even I read this and said damn.

katie said...

i can't remember my damn password again.

i struggle with sharing my problems and heartaches, so we're perfect friends ;)

and like i keep telling myself, you don't have to give up on love, but you sure don't have to go looking for it either. finding that okay happy medium, and loving the present moment is the hard part. let's do it! xo, k

what the hell is my password !

new york dactyl said...

katie, when you DO figure it out, email it to me so i can keep it on file for you. tardtastic.