Tuesday, May 15, 2007

hey mom! can we get some meatloaf!

my lovely coworker and work-related bff rakesh just made me privvy to a lovely e-card site, that i might be in love with... if you suddenly find yourself the recipient of the following, consider yourself loved:

i'm really excited for next week... if only to get the hell outta town and regain some perspective about my life and how things are going. it'll be nice to be around jasean... who i've known for over ten years and can be completely myself around... and just relax.

i've been thinking about the new york me lately... because that person certainly isn't anything like the seattle me... or the fuller picture of the me that i know. did that make sense? checking... yes... moving on. i find myself holding back here... i laugh less, i engage less, i emit less and omit pieces of more personality more than i usually do. and i'm wondering why that is? because a friend or two have mentioned recently that my loud outbursts are annoying... and maybe a little frightening. a higher level coworker snapped at me the other day, when my cackle carried into her office down the hall. and frankly, i almost started crying... like there's something inherently within me that people either don't get or don't like. and i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that.

i mean, my mother just smiles and shakes her head at my excited rambles... because she knows that's how i've always been... engaging and endearing and a little too hyper and eager to entertain. my friends in seattle just got me. plop me down in front of any of my girls and i wouldn't have to say a thing, and it'll still be the time of my life.

arija thinks that in general i might be too giving of myself... and maybe that's true. should i stop that? who knows... but it's what i've been thinking about lately. i wish i was a painter, if only to spend an afternoon covered in splotches of color and spreading my thoughts across a canvas.

in other news, i'm going to see a decent sounding apartment closer to work this weekend (somehow i'm squeezing this in, and i have no idea how its going to work)... and if all works out, i'll have one less stress on my to do list. herewith we shall begin crossing our fingers...

and i thank you.

Monday, May 14, 2007

a life of maybes and almosts...

i'm actually not bitter... i'm really not... i've come to a point where i can relax comfortably in the knowledge that my love life is an endless sequence of maybes and almosts. new relationships that hold some sort of promise and potential, halfway passion moments, obvious connections that seemingly go nowhere. whose fault it is, i have no idea... but this is my life.

i got a phone call late last night... well i returned a phone call late last night... to the gentleman that i went on that great first date with a few weeks ago. he'd been rather MIA, and when someone does the whole 'i'll call you this week to schedule something' and never actually calls... you know something is up and that he's really just not that into you. because face it ladies, if he was into you... he'd be calling. you'd know that he wanted to see you, because he would (in fact) be making consecutive plans to do so.

so when i hadn't heard from him in a little while on the phone, i knew the jig was up. as it turns out (and this really is my favorite), he got drunk with a group of friends last week and ended up making out with one of his best girlfriends. the next sober encounter they decided to talk about what happened, and discuss their feelers... and of course, have tentatively decided to give it a go. now in all fairness to me... and her it would seem... he didn't think it was a good idea to continue to see me, although he was REALLY looking forward to it. he was empathic... and therefore i capitalize for your reading pleasure.

i, being the calm-minded person that i am when i go emotionally numb, told him that the best friend scenario is usually the best way to go about finding a true romance and wished him all the best in the his new endeavor. he just kept talking... and dragging it out... and THEN said 'i just want things to be cool between us in case things don't work out with her and then you and i can maybe pick things up again in the future.' i said 'oh yes, because i'm definitely going to just sit here and wait for you to end things with your best friend turned lover'... since our one date was sooooo earth shattering. please. i know what he MEANT to say, but he did an extremely bad job of saying it eloquently... or even in a non-insulting-to-tara sort of a way.


i shed two tears out of frustration... and today is, of course, another day.

the weekend was glorious. i got a lot of extra sleep in, spent time in central park with arija and jacob, and found time to drag jacob to an almost chick flick in waitress last night. adrienne shelly's last film before she was killed... and it was delightfully quirky and charming. please go see it.

enjoy your week... i know that i will.

carry on xoxxo tlc