that place where the beat never stops dropping...

as i stand here on the subway platform listening to a live album that daft punk put out a few years ago... i notice that i'm smiling, and shaking my hips about a little bit. i love this album... where you get to hear the crowd go absolutely effing crazy every time the beat drops. that moment that just puts the biggest grin on my face... and i realize, i love this place... where the beat never stops dropping.

here on a subway platform in new york city... mid afternoon and it's not too hot or muggy... and a lesbian couple farther down the platform is holding hands and stealing kisses. i love this place... where two women can kiss openly in the middle of everything and no one cares or thinks too much of it.

i could do with a bicycle... to ride around the streets of brooklyn and take it all in. but right now, this new apartment has no television in the living room... and if i'm ever going to watch another movie, i'm going to need to purchase a television. but i love this place... where life's biggest decisions are settled between new electronic festiveness or other avenues of outdoor bliss. if the wii came free with the television, it'd be a no brainer.

i want to stay here forever... in that place where the beat never stops dropping. where i'm somewhere on a dancefloor smiling from ear to ear, and other smiling people are coming up to say that 'they love my dancing'. where it's okay to play music as loud as humanly possible. where's it's okay to smile all the time, and look at all of life's possibilities, instead of stressing over what one doesn't have. it's better here... in the glass is half full side.

go dance a little bit. find me later.

weekend on the water...

does anyone actually send their old jewelry to outofyourlife.com? that has got to be the strangest thing i've ever heard of. "it's time to break up with his jewelry too"... i'd like to meet the person that created this concept... high five him/her... and then laugh and walk away. hilarious.

this weekend is a beach and water weekend. boating w/ friends later today, and then some beach action tomorrow. i've got my spray sunscreen (greatest invention EVER) locked and loaded. it's time to freckle, people. the white skin must leave me.

after weeks and weeks of traveling and visiting friends, i'm FINALLY doing laundry. you know you've gotten to that lazy point, when instead of doing the laundry, you just go out and buy more underwear. because, dear GOD, do i soooo not need any more underwear. so... i'm doing laundry. and i'm up three new pairs of skivs. ridiculous.

my friend d has me addicted to yogurt/granola/blueberries for breakfast. and also... addicted to the wii. i need a wii. like... NEED a wii. after several hours of tennis, golf, and mario cart, my arms are actually sore. i mean really sore. which in and of itself is extremely pathetic, but also... exciting. i mean...i could invest in the wii and get amazing arms in the process. we like this idea. and by WE, i mean me and my arm backfat.

heading back to seattle for several days, and have somehow booked many many many shoots. my bank account likes this plan. and then... i come back home and move into my new greenpoint apartment. goodbye LIC... i shall miss thee.

back to business...

back in town after spending the last few days in rochester with the wonderful tammy swales (www.tammyswales.com). it was a really amazing trip for me in terms of getting to watch someone run a successful photo business... reminded me that it's ok to let the dorkiness hang out. the right clients will still find you.

signed the lease on the new apartment in greenpoint... aka "the closet". it'll be nice to get my shit out of storage, have access to my entire wardrobe all at once. sleep in my own space.

going to see the new HP with o.b.e. tonight... midnight screening. pretty sure that i'll be giggling and clapping with glee the entire time. i think i embarrass him. :)

very excited about heading back to seattle next week... an excessive number of photo shoots have been scheduled, and i'll have a good enough number of days to get to see friends this time. hugs will be served on ice.

i love the sunshine... it does good things for the soul.

family time...

i suppose it's always a little bit dangerous to spend any length of time with friends that have small children, because afterwards i'm left with this overwhelming feeling like i'm missing out on something. 10 days with a 5 and 7 year old... 4 days with a 3.5 year old. my best friend just got married. i want whatever is next.

i think i've exhausted myself of the single life. i don't like it. i want the next stage, the whatever version of happily ever after that's supposed to be mine. i still hate dating. i hate the insecurities that it triggers in me. the 'if someone wanted to see me, they'd make an effort to do so, why aren't they making an effort?'s... etc. and it doesn't mean that i'm not satisfied within myself about ME. b/c that's not really the issue. i'm not satisfied with the single me. and i'm not saying that because i need someone else to 'complete me', and all that bee ess. i'm saying it because i want my legacy to be seen in the joy of my children's faces. that's it. so what do i do to get there? it's all very strange.

the crazy traveling for photo work is finally over. so now i'm back in new york, jobless and apartmentless... and now is when i really begin to knuckle down and figure it all out. get it all settled. and also when i start freaking the hell out. i begin to wonder why i bother staying here. what exactly is keeping me here?

it's always the same things with me, right? right.

awesome/not awesome

it's been a long time since i've done one...

awesome: slightly salty edamame and lemon/lime seltzer water (not mixed together obvi).
not awesome: any new season of "rock of love" or subsequent "charm school" television shows. who ARE these people, and why do they deserve any sort of fame?!
awesome: jennifer summer and her amazing benefit happening tonight! check it out. i'm one of the artists contributing to the auction and one of the people highlighted in jenn's section.
not awesome: yeah... still "charm school".
awesome: gentle smooches and beautiful blue eyes.
not awesome: limitations.
awesome: a sudden influx of creative juices.
awesome: the day after pilates soreness.
awesome: losing a few pounds.
awesome: having the summer of my life planned.
awesome: new beginnings.

oh hello hormones, welcome to the party...

what is one to do when an already active sex drive turns thirty and then one wants the good business ALL THE TIME? oh hello new person that i might be dating, welcome to the party. here's where i attack your face every time i see you. and even when i'm not seeing you, i'm thinking about attacking your face. because even though my brain is a giant whore... i am not. and only sleep with/date one person at a time.

i thought that a relatively normal sex drive was good enough... and as i get older, it's just getting worse! aren't men supposed to lose their sex drive as they get older? how is that fair? now, i'm going to become the weird chick that can't keep her paws off you, when all you want to do is sleep. that's interesting. i'm going to have to think about that.

also... i wish i had a video camera for my brain when i'm sleeping. i have the most vivid and ridiculous (and sometimes downright devious) dreams, and i wish that you could all see them. instead of me trying to remember and failing miserably.

my thoughts are somersaulting right now...

airport fascinations...

the airport always fascinates me... and not just because of the endless amount of insanely awesome people watching. for some reason, i've managed to get through security with three bags... one of which is large and on wheels... i very rarely have my bags taken aside and checked... but my nose always gets me in trouble here. my gate is right next to a panda express (which is basically just a ginormous case of heartburn waiting to happen... mmm msg). i've been sitting here for an hour and then finally couldn't take it any more. i had to have it.

please note that i went the healthy route (snort) and got a side of steamed veggies instead of chow mein or fried rice.

my fortune cookie had this to say: your most memorable dream will come true.

yes please! the only dreams that i tend to remember are the juicy ones, and i've been having some dooooooozies lately. i'll let you know how that turns out.

other items of note. i'm watching about twenty-five flight attendants pre-board the plane. i also see about thirty people waiting for the flight. this leads me to believe that there will basically be one flight attendant per flyer. that's awfully fancy, delta airlines, thank you very much! now bring a free glass of wine.

i'm hoping beyond hoping that this international flight goes smoother than the last time i went over the pond. i dont think that ive ever in my life had such a horrendous case of food poisoning. i get shivers just thinking about it. the horror. this is also why i had to have the panda express... i will not be eating anything that these effers give me on the plane. too risky. apparently airlines dont know how to properly wash lettuce, and think that serving shrimp in the air is a GOOD idea. ummm no.

and the boarding commences... here we go.

sunshine daydreams...

in the middle of a walk up 6th avenue, after buying compact flash cards for my camera, and on the way up to meet another friend for lunch, i somehow talked my friend into shaving his head. i'm talking past the ear jewcurls to a one guard type of action. so, we went into duane reade, bought some beard trimmers, and found a spot out on the lawn at bryant park, and went to town. i was laughing my ass off the entire time, but it actually looks good. this might be my new thing. attack random men with beard trimmers... see what happens.

i have weird tan lines going on b/c of all this sunshine. yesterday in the car on the way to new jersey to pick up my repaired camera, and then today frolicking a bit, and shearing in bryant park... i look spastic. but who cares, the sun is shining.

i keep having random drift off daydreams about good smooches and late night canoodling. i can't help it. i just... like it/him/it/him. and that's not such a bad thing. is it? and because i know that i'm going to be gone for a lot of june, i just want it all right now now now now. and that part i need to get over... because i certainly dont want to overwhelm anyone else simply because i have a busy schedule. i'm still trying to be mindful of my 'one thing at a time' mantra.

i'm off to copenhagen for a few days... wish me luck!

when did simon baker get so cute?

some things are just undeniably awesome... a cool breeze coming in through a slightly open window, your favorite thai food joint being open a few hours later than you thought they were, discovering a festive new show like the mentalist (suddenly simon baker is very appealing to me, who knew)... and sleeping through the night.

the other night, i slept. i didn't open my eyes in my sleep, i didn't rearrange the bedding on my bed, i didn't walk around, i didn't talk to anyone, i didn't feel like i was being hunted by someone... i just slept. i suppose that this singular instance really isnt a huge deal in the grand scheme of things. but if you lived in my head, you'd be pretty intrigued by it. comfort. ease. i like it.

i'm really excited for next week. i'm flying to copenhagen to shoot a wedding... and it should be a few days of a whole lot of awesome. hopefully i'll get the chance to flex my creative muscles and try some new things... take some amazing pictures... and take a little bit of pressure off of myself. the endless checklist. it'll be good to knock a couple of items off. then i can come back and work on sleeping through the night again.

the eyes have it...

you know, i must seem rather a nutter this last week considering that i was pouting so profusely several days ago, and i now i cant stop grinning. but i guess that's how things go... things can change in an instant. you can let your thoughts linger over some douchenozzle from your past that probably didnt deserve your attention anyway, or you can focus on what's suddenly right in front of you. and lucky for me, it's two beautiful blue eyes that stay at the forefront of my mind since even yesterday... and it makes me grin, and blush a little (okay maybe a lot)... and i find myself looking forward to good things. walks and hand holding... endless conversations about nothing in particular, which doesn't really matter as long as that face is in front of you... potential canoodling. romance.

romance.

i have never in the entirety of my dating life let out the inner goofball for the man that i'm with. it's always a more cautious version of the real me. the just a little bit afraid to really put myself out there me... which has served me well in the past for the most part, i was right to be cautious, since some people are less awesome then they presume to be... but i'm thinking, maybe it's time. if the people that love me the most are the people that really know who i am as a person, really get and appreciate me, in all that uniqueness... then maybe it's time to just let it go.

well... here's to letting go. with my eyes wide open...

oh my god chinese place across the street please stop your incessant wafting!

seriously with the chinese food smells blowing through my bedroom window and subsequently right into my nostrils first thing in the morning. STOP IT! i haven't actually succumb to the chinese food tauntings, but damn. this is ridiculous.

i spent a good six hours yesterday chatting with a new dude, and giggling, and twirling my feet in the air (which i'm likely to do when i'm happy)... and it was delightful... and a little enchanting. and felt really nice. and maybe i'm still smiling. and i went to bed late and woke up early because i was still smiling...

... and trying REALLY REALLY hard to get my sleep schedule back on track, because unemployment somehow makes you want to stay up late to watch channel 11 late night tv, and then hit the snooze bar 87 times the next morning. so cheers to me being up on time even though i could potentially still be sleeping.

CARRY ON!

lasting reminders...

i keep hearing snippets of a british accent, and i instantly get sad. he's still on the online dating site that i'm on... and he keeps showing up in my mutual match section... 97% compatible. i wish i had an easier time focusing on the idiotic faults of his, instead of missing all the good parts. because i'm really, really missing the good parts.

i won the lottery to see HAIR last week... it was amazing... and people were naked on stage, i had no clue. apparently my jaw hung open well after the lights had come back on for intermission. whoopsie. i saw star trek today as well. GREAT BIG FAN. they cast that movie so well... can't wait to see what they do next.

my camera died a few days ago and i'm driving it to a canon service center tomorrow in hopes that they'll be able to fix it... b/c i really cannot afford to shell out a few grand for a new camera right now (which i'd have to do since i'm shooting a wedding in copenhagen in two weeks).

i'm having mini anxiety attacks, and with nothing to do to absorb my time, all i'm doing is fixating. i'm out of this apartment in three weeks...and then i'm homeless. it all tends to weigh down all at the same time. i get tired of pushing back. it's all sort of daunting... and i dont need all these reminders that shizzle is sort of sucking right now. not at all.

self actualizations

were you ever in sports? were you ever asked to go over your routines in your mind and imagine yourself performing your routines perfectly, or imagining that you will dominate a course, or a game? in gymnastics and diving and other activities we were always asked to sit quietly and go over our routines. and every time i went over them in my head, i never performed them perfectly... i always fell... or messed up.

and oddly, it's always been that way... i never dream that something successful is happening to me, or that i'm winning something. i'm always being chased, or attacked, or am flailing... or failing. i never visualize perfection.

i was talking to someone else about this the other day, and i find it so strange that i can't seem to imagine my own success. shouldn't that be something that's easy... and a priority? how does one get to the point of focused self-promotion? i'm actually baffled.

will i ever succeed if i can't imagine it happening first?

thoughts?

going hog wild...

as i sit here eating my delicious turkey and swiss sammich, i'm reminded of something. i eat like an absolute PIG when i'm by myself. i am captain manners at a dinner table when other people are around, but when it's just me.... STUFFFOODINFACE! it's ridiculous.

spent today working on some photo biz stuff, creating blog headers (updating the photo blog, people... wait for it), and organizing things at home. sold the living room tv today, that just leaves the sofa left to sell, then i'll be ready for operation slim livin.

all this rain outside is reminding me of seattle... and you know? i don't mind it at all. 60 degree sort of wet days arent so bad. at least i'm not dying in a 85 degree no air-conditioning apartment like last summer. it was horrendous.

still feeling rather 'wait and see'ish... once the last week of may gets here, and i travel to copenhagen to shoot a wedding, i'll basically be homeless and jobless. the lack of finite direction is sort of refreshing... freeing, even. somehow i've managed to lose a few pounds, and i'm feeling really positive.

all in all... not too shabby.
now tell me about YOU.

hairdid and movie updates

so last night, i went on a date with a very sweet man. we ended up having drinks at lillie's and then mid conversation (which was really a mutual spastic rant about how amazing action movies are) decided to go see xmen: origins... mmm wolverine. please keep in mind that any movie with hugh jackman, liev schrieber, and ryan reynolds can have absolutely no storyline or plot and still be the best movie ever. oh wait. :) and so it was, the best ever. :)

today i mosied down to the meatpacking district to red market salon(http://www.redmarketnyc.com/) to visit my new friend and stylist, alex. she is an adorable little thing from california, and ive FINALLY found someone in nyc that knows how to properly do blonde highlights. glass of white wine, tons of giggles, and great hair. you can't beat that, at any price. if you're in the market for a new hairstyle or color, please go see her. and tell her that i sent you, you wont be sorry.

i'm off to enjoy the sunshine... you have no excuse. get outside. and smile at the freshly blonde girl bouncing by you (it's probably me).

an lic scrub...

i love that i feel no remorse whatsoever when i walk downstairs to the coffee place below my apartment and get coffee... not having brushed my hair or teeth, and wearing ink stained scrubs (that really look like i had a purple accident but whatever) and a tank top. i slap my dollar down on the counter and the girls know that i need my small coffee, two sugars, half and half.

just over two months after being laid off, i'm still not working, and have no new photo gigs coming in. somehow, the fact that the guy i was seeing decided to break up with me via text message a few weeks ago, has faded into nothingness... and i'm left wondering 'who was the guy that i was falling for in the beginning? because that certainly wasnt who i got towards the end'. that cowardly slow fade maneuver. why can't people just TALK to each other? i will never understand men. every girlfriend that i have swears within an inch of herself that she'd easily marry me were she a lesbian. whatever. maybe it's my own fault. i only let a select few see the magic... and only a certain kind of man is going to be able to understand and appreciate the magic.

the point is... he's gone and out of my life... and all i'll take with me is the memory of seven orgasms in one go. seven. monica geller would be proud.

with the window slightly cracked open to let in the cool spring(ish) breeze (happy spring), i can smell the beginning scents of the lunch service at the local chinese joint. this is what i've been waking up to lately. suddenly i'm awake and craving chicken chow mein. what the frick. i'm on a pilates kick, and ordered old school tai bo dvds in the mail. they're taking forever to get here, but i am DETERMINED to get my shizzle back together myself. no gym memberships.

i have a date tonight. with a man that has a small hoop earring in one ear. at what point in the scheme of the dating can i gently suggest that he get rid of it. because really, my inner self is screaming 'STOP BEING A GAY PIRATE, THIS IS NOT 1992!!!'...

or something.


i promise to write every day. it's a goal. so stay on me about it.

let the sun shine down...

a lot of things have changed about my new york life. i was recently laid off from my day job, i've decided not the renew the lease on my current apartment, and i'm considering leaving new york... perhaps for good. i think it's easy to say that i feel a little bit lost right now, unsure of my next steps, my real path. and this loneliness that pervades my daily life seems never to decrease. you can have a million friends and acquaintances and still feel utterly alone.

i'd like to think that i can make it as a full time photographer, but underneath all of that "skill" that i've somehow obtained, there is complete doubt. what does one do with doubt? where do you take it and drop it off? how do you find fortitude and courage to continue on when there's no guarantee of success?

what if, for example, i was here alone... forever. then what?

it's a new year... i should say something.

it's a new year, and thus far 2009 hasn't been too much of whiny shithead. in fact, 2009 and i are on the road to becoming fast friends. business is picking up... i'm able to ignore the fact that the biting cold and winter dryness has completely ruined my skin... and romance is in the air. in the form of a tall british transplant that seems to say all the right things and is quickly becoming my perfect counterpart. i cannot recall at any point in my life previously, feeling the way that i do now. and even if he ends up reading this (hi handsome!!), i don't even care... because i'm smiling like i want the world to be envious of my teeth.

i feel like writing, and taking pictures, and dancing slowly...

so hello to you 2009... high five. and let's carry on together... for old time's sake.