family time...

i suppose it's always a little bit dangerous to spend any length of time with friends that have small children, because afterwards i'm left with this overwhelming feeling like i'm missing out on something. 10 days with a 5 and 7 year old... 4 days with a 3.5 year old. my best friend just got married. i want whatever is next.

i think i've exhausted myself of the single life. i don't like it. i want the next stage, the whatever version of happily ever after that's supposed to be mine. i still hate dating. i hate the insecurities that it triggers in me. the 'if someone wanted to see me, they'd make an effort to do so, why aren't they making an effort?'s... etc. and it doesn't mean that i'm not satisfied within myself about ME. b/c that's not really the issue. i'm not satisfied with the single me. and i'm not saying that because i need someone else to 'complete me', and all that bee ess. i'm saying it because i want my legacy to be seen in the joy of my children's faces. that's it. so what do i do to get there? it's all very strange.

the crazy traveling for photo work is finally over. so now i'm back in new york, jobless and apartmentless... and now is when i really begin to knuckle down and figure it all out. get it all settled. and also when i start freaking the hell out. i begin to wonder why i bother staying here. what exactly is keeping me here?

it's always the same things with me, right? right.

oh hello hormones, welcome to the party...

what is one to do when an already active sex drive turns thirty and then one wants the good business ALL THE TIME? oh hello new person that i might be dating, welcome to the party. here's where i attack your face every time i see you. and even when i'm not seeing you, i'm thinking about attacking your face. because even though my brain is a giant whore... i am not. and only sleep with/date one person at a time.

i thought that a relatively normal sex drive was good enough... and as i get older, it's just getting worse! aren't men supposed to lose their sex drive as they get older? how is that fair? now, i'm going to become the weird chick that can't keep her paws off you, when all you want to do is sleep. that's interesting. i'm going to have to think about that.

also... i wish i had a video camera for my brain when i'm sleeping. i have the most vivid and ridiculous (and sometimes downright devious) dreams, and i wish that you could all see them. instead of me trying to remember and failing miserably.

my thoughts are somersaulting right now...

lasting reminders...

i keep hearing snippets of a british accent, and i instantly get sad. he's still on the online dating site that i'm on... and he keeps showing up in my mutual match section... 97% compatible. i wish i had an easier time focusing on the idiotic faults of his, instead of missing all the good parts. because i'm really, really missing the good parts.

i won the lottery to see HAIR last week... it was amazing... and people were naked on stage, i had no clue. apparently my jaw hung open well after the lights had come back on for intermission. whoopsie. i saw star trek today as well. GREAT BIG FAN. they cast that movie so well... can't wait to see what they do next.

my camera died a few days ago and i'm driving it to a canon service center tomorrow in hopes that they'll be able to fix it... b/c i really cannot afford to shell out a few grand for a new camera right now (which i'd have to do since i'm shooting a wedding in copenhagen in two weeks).

i'm having mini anxiety attacks, and with nothing to do to absorb my time, all i'm doing is fixating. i'm out of this apartment in three weeks...and then i'm homeless. it all tends to weigh down all at the same time. i get tired of pushing back. it's all sort of daunting... and i dont need all these reminders that shizzle is sort of sucking right now. not at all.

hairdid and movie updates

so last night, i went on a date with a very sweet man. we ended up having drinks at lillie's and then mid conversation (which was really a mutual spastic rant about how amazing action movies are) decided to go see xmen: origins... mmm wolverine. please keep in mind that any movie with hugh jackman, liev schrieber, and ryan reynolds can have absolutely no storyline or plot and still be the best movie ever. oh wait. :) and so it was, the best ever. :)

today i mosied down to the meatpacking district to red market salon(http://www.redmarketnyc.com/) to visit my new friend and stylist, alex. she is an adorable little thing from california, and ive FINALLY found someone in nyc that knows how to properly do blonde highlights. glass of white wine, tons of giggles, and great hair. you can't beat that, at any price. if you're in the market for a new hairstyle or color, please go see her. and tell her that i sent you, you wont be sorry.

i'm off to enjoy the sunshine... you have no excuse. get outside. and smile at the freshly blonde girl bouncing by you (it's probably me).

an lic scrub...

i love that i feel no remorse whatsoever when i walk downstairs to the coffee place below my apartment and get coffee... not having brushed my hair or teeth, and wearing ink stained scrubs (that really look like i had a purple accident but whatever) and a tank top. i slap my dollar down on the counter and the girls know that i need my small coffee, two sugars, half and half.

just over two months after being laid off, i'm still not working, and have no new photo gigs coming in. somehow, the fact that the guy i was seeing decided to break up with me via text message a few weeks ago, has faded into nothingness... and i'm left wondering 'who was the guy that i was falling for in the beginning? because that certainly wasnt who i got towards the end'. that cowardly slow fade maneuver. why can't people just TALK to each other? i will never understand men. every girlfriend that i have swears within an inch of herself that she'd easily marry me were she a lesbian. whatever. maybe it's my own fault. i only let a select few see the magic... and only a certain kind of man is going to be able to understand and appreciate the magic.

the point is... he's gone and out of my life... and all i'll take with me is the memory of seven orgasms in one go. seven. monica geller would be proud.

with the window slightly cracked open to let in the cool spring(ish) breeze (happy spring), i can smell the beginning scents of the lunch service at the local chinese joint. this is what i've been waking up to lately. suddenly i'm awake and craving chicken chow mein. what the frick. i'm on a pilates kick, and ordered old school tai bo dvds in the mail. they're taking forever to get here, but i am DETERMINED to get my shizzle back together myself. no gym memberships.

i have a date tonight. with a man that has a small hoop earring in one ear. at what point in the scheme of the dating can i gently suggest that he get rid of it. because really, my inner self is screaming 'STOP BEING A GAY PIRATE, THIS IS NOT 1992!!!'...

or something.


i promise to write every day. it's a goal. so stay on me about it.

it's a new year... i should say something.

it's a new year, and thus far 2009 hasn't been too much of whiny shithead. in fact, 2009 and i are on the road to becoming fast friends. business is picking up... i'm able to ignore the fact that the biting cold and winter dryness has completely ruined my skin... and romance is in the air. in the form of a tall british transplant that seems to say all the right things and is quickly becoming my perfect counterpart. i cannot recall at any point in my life previously, feeling the way that i do now. and even if he ends up reading this (hi handsome!!), i don't even care... because i'm smiling like i want the world to be envious of my teeth.

i feel like writing, and taking pictures, and dancing slowly...

so hello to you 2009... high five. and let's carry on together... for old time's sake.

i suddenly felt like saying something...

because it's literally been months. all of that regular blither about my life that always seems to be true... aka "i'm single" and "i really need to start going to the gym again" are all still true. it's becoming winter at the speed of light... strange chapped patches are showing up on my legs again... it's cold. etc. all still applicable.

i just bought a neti pot... i'm going to be one of those strange people that pours warm water or saline through my nostrils every day. i am determined to get my nose working properly... this air here... i'm constantly gunked up, and that's bollocks.

i'm going to take a large gaping break from dating. a few months back i'd said that i was expecting a visitor, and finally had feelings for someone again after what? like four years... only to have to fizzle into nothingness after he left again. distance is not that big of a deal, at least not to me. i'm sure it was just an excuse, the idea of me is not as awesome as the actual me. but i think i'd rather spend the next few months focusing on my business, and growing that business, and making something of my time here... instead of constantly caring that i sleep alone, that i attract idiots, or that i'm craving the good business.

i had a bunch of promo cards printed up for a headshot promo i'm running for acting students.. and they were distributed at two schools in the city yesterday. i'm crossing my fingers VERY tightly that something comes of this. i want ten bookings and i'll be happy.. just ten out of the 150 that i passed out. think happy thoughts please and thank you.

i'll be spending the holidays in southern california this year. my mother's good friend retired to palm springs... so xmas in palm springs and new years in los angeles... i cannot effing wait. i'm on a nine day countdown til vacation and i really can't focus on anything else. seriously.

it might be the weather or just the storm clouds in my head...

i can't seem to shake this pervasive feeling of tired. i get into bed exhausted, and it takes me several hours to fall asleep. then in the morning, it takes over an hour of hitting the snooze button to get me out of bed. it's been like this for the last two weeks i'd say. is this because of the change in season? i don't feel particularly melancholy... a weence stressed b/c of financial issues (always) with moving and what not... but i'm not actually sad. i'm not sick. i'm not anything.

i'm looking forward to this summer with big eyes and an open heart (which is a nice change). i have high hopes of NOT dating... and of not caring that i'm not dating. because to say that i'm tired of pretending to be charming and tired of pretending to not get my hopes up when i meet someone new, is a severe understatement. i just want one of two people to come back, give me a very large hug, and tell me that i've been missed (followed by some sort of naked smooching activity). unless that's going to happen, i don't even want to bother with the rest of it. over it.

my mother was in town over the weekend, and i joined her and her also 60-something friend for high tea at the waldorf astoria. her friend kept asking me question after question about my life and where i was going etc, and my mother just sat there. like she finally GOT that i didn't like being constantly pestered about my future. when i said somewhat flippantly "i figure that if i'm not married by the time that i'm 35, i'll get articifial insemination... twice... and be done with it"... and she nodded. she NODDED. my "i want my daughter to have a perfect life, and get married, and have lots of babies, and be successful" mother NODDED her agreement that such a path would be okay for me. like finally it occurs to me that my mother doesn't so much want me to be happy for her own sake, she actually just wants ME to be happy. it's like my heart just burst open and i can breathe again.

the fact that spring is extending itself past one week in april is beyond lovely. i like this cool breeze, and drops of rain pretending to freshen up the dirty city streets. in my opinion, it can stay. stave off the swass season, i'm fine with that... although last night i found myself putting on the hooded sweatshirt that was sitting at the foot of my bed... because i was exceedingly cold, and because sometimes when you want to cuddle up to the person that ISN'T sleeping next to you, it's important to wrap yourself in something familiar and comfortable, and tuck up in your own arms.

for some odd reason, my period came an entire week early. i couldn't figure out why i was being such an insane yatch two weeks ago. now i know... it was early pms. and one would think that if the period comes a week early, it's done a week early. but not so. i am currently enjoying day ten in the trenches. welcome to the wonderful world of NOT awesome.

p.s. i did not enjoy sweeney todd.

doubt is a vicious, vicious beast...

and once it enters the room, the entire dynamic changes. in the span of a few weeks, i've gone from new excited companionship... to doubt... to spending time with someone who leans away from my kisses. i can't even begin to tell you how much that affects the soul. it's crushing.

life tends to throw all kinds of curves at you... usually challenges and negative what nots to try and throw you... but i also think that you're never presented with challenges that you can't handle. so when someone goes from adoring the sight of me, to leaning away... i know that it's not me. and without allowing myself to get too cynical or bitter, i know i'll be fine... with whatever happens next.

i'm still here... and i'm better than fine.

sounds about right...

oh the wonderland... oh the adventure... oh the rollercoaster that is my love life. not to be too impressed with the level of awesome that was week one of a new amour, it turns out that the possiblity of a return to england (permanently) wades on the horizon.

please... send me someone lovely, that for the first time in years i actually think about spending massive amounts of time with... and then take him away again. because that just makes my day.

that dead inside mantra was a lot easier on the soul...that's for darn sure.

heart pounding, can't hardly breathe...

movie line... don't worry.

i feel like it's basically spring. and i know that it's basically spring b/c i wore flip flops this morning. and people looked at me like i was crazy. some man on the subway accidentally stepped on my foot and then exclaimed all aghast 'you're not wearing SHOES!'. umm yes, sir, actually i am. this particular type of footwear is sometimes known as a "slipper" or "flop". he said sorry about twelve times, so i felt bad for him... but still. it's spring.

this morning i had a momentary fright when i went to check my facebook page and saw that the "guy i've been dating for a whopping week" removed his status as "single". my body got all tingly and then i felt like maybe i'd throw up. rather an unusual reaction wouldn't you say? yes. the answer is yes. all the girlfriends keep asking 'well would you WANT him to be your boyfriend?'... and i can't even answer that. you know why? fear. i am utterly afraid of being vulnerable. so as much as i say that i'm open to a relationship and i yearn for intimacy and all that blah blah, the circumstance that it may or may not be staring me in the face, scares the holy bajeeezus out of me. deep breaths, deep breaths. (and p.s. the answer is yes... the guy is lovely relationship material... but give me more than a week to make that decision ladies.)

in other news, i would kill someone for some cherries jubilee ice cream from B&R. like seriously.

i'm as quiet as a mouse...

i've been rather absent, haven't i? my apologies friends... and strangers. i've been enjoying the almost spring time in new york city. the endless canoodling that goes along with dating someone lovely (someone who plays the guitar and takes more amazing pictures than i do), and trying not to get 1) too excited or 2) ahead of myself. because we all know that when i acknowledge and talk about something, it goes away.

so mums the word for now... i'm just practicing my britishisms, and being mocked endlessly for quoting movie lines a split second before they're said onscreen.

what have YOU been up to? tell me good things...

ill be busy til mid july...

we all know that i'm sort of a professional dater... and in this world of "your social life meets resume writing", we come across a variety of characters that simply do not know how to 1) behave and 2) communicate properly. dating is a beast all it's own.

i've heard every combination of amazing pick up line, dating errors, and terrible break up on post it situations. my friend amanda mae and i have decided to devote a blog entirely to the disasters of dating, and the ways in which dating is mishandled.

mae was recently broken up with via text message with, when asked the next time he'd like to go out with her, "i'll be busy until mid-july". ouch.

and so, we give you ill be busy til mid-july the blog. please feel free to email us or comment with your own stories. from seattle to new york city, we've all been bludgeoned by the unthought out blunders of someone NOT awesome.

here's to us.. and them.

it's things like the following that make life worth living...

a match.com email that i received today...

and i QUOTE:

I'm new in town and can't find my way around; could I have directions to your place? ;-)






soooooooo NOT AWESOME that it borderlines on awesome. i love this town.

when life gets a little rough and/or tumble... add a little sunshine

dating is hard. it takes a lot out of you... all that being on your best behavior, putting your best foot forward, remembering not to belch in front of someone new (that hasn't yet been introduced to the cacophony of your burps), having to put makeup on and shave your legs, the not so joyous tasks of letting someone down that you like but don't LIKE, and then starting all over again when you realize that the current crew just isn't hitting the high notes... or more to the point, making YOU hit the high notes.

i signed up for another month of match.com... it's payday and i was in the mood. last month garnered 1300 profile views, 212 winks received, 73 emails, 7 first dates, and 3 second plus dates. frightening statistics indeed. i swear i'm going to start saving the gem openers that i'm receiving from some people... just so that we can all giggle later.

since usually winter is a tough time for me, i'm delighted to find that i've stopped biting my nails again and i've got some significant growth going on here. that's good stuff. means that i'm not feeling anxious. the only bad thing about this winter is the beluga like coloring of my skin right now. way to make a girl feel NOT awesome. so i just bought this (the bff from california just introduced me to it last weekend and it's amazing):



there are worse things then being pale and awesome... but tan and awesome is just a little bit better.

mental note: must book plane ticket back to seattle soon so that sugin can fix my roots. spring is soon to hit NYC and i must be prepared for full dactyl shenanigans.

sometimes taking that next step is a bad idea...

sooooo the last few weeks, i've been talking to some people (aka men/boys/guys/etc)... some of which... delightful, i look forward to meeting in person, trying out that hand holding thing... attempting to look you in the eyes for an extended period of time without blushing... etc.

some... not so much. i'm sure most people would agree that there are certain "steps" that you would follow whilst meeting people from the interweb dating sites. you email on that site, then you move to normal email, then maybe IM, then texting, and then up to a phone call. then depending on how the voice interraction goes, you think about meeting in person. and usually by then you have a sense of whether or not you like their personality, and you just hope that part of your loins/heart/reactionary bits respond positively to seeing them in person.

then there's the guy, who on the phone, makes you crawl out of your skin every time he laughs. you rub your temples trying to be strategic about how to get off the phone, and then about how you can let him down gently...because it's clearly not going to be easy when he's already talking about "showing you around town" and referring to you as "babe". and please note (as if you didn't know this about me already), i HATE being called babe. if you are not my boyfriend of several weeks/months/years, you do not get to call me babe... or hun... or cutie. or some other pet name that makes me want to stab sharp objects into my eyeballs and maybe punch a puppy or two. don't do it.

sometimes i hate dating, and sometimes i love it. and sometimes i have to calm myself down about getting excited about someone new that i'm talking too. have to be patient, go slowly...blah blah blah BLAH. what if i just want some good smooches, eh?

okay, that's enough of that. i'd love to close with this factoid: one of my girlfriends just ended our IM convo with "i'm gonna go have sex now"... and i love her for it.

GET IT GET IT!!

men vs women

it goes without saying (and yet, here i am bothering to say it) that men don't often have to plan their footwear around WHO they are going to be spending an evening with. that's so odd. i'm having lunch with a man that is 5'11"... so i'm wearing flats right now.

pfffft.

oh the deals you make with your friends...

bff kari and i decided take part in that 'match your friends' thing on match.com... mostly because it's hilarious. we are agreeing that we'll go out with whoever we pick for each other, based on good things i hope. which means that i better do my diligence and find some gems for her, or else i'll end up going out with some 5'5" hairy beast that smells of dirty feet.

soooooooooo after cleaning the bajeezus out of my apartment and doing tons of laundry (love clean sheet day woooooo), i was looking at some of the profiles on there... i really don't love dating in this town. i feel forced to date online just to meet interesting men, and even then... blah.

anyway, i'm now looking at the profile of this gorgeous man who clearly works 50 hours a day and is very proud of himself... and there are some things that i'm willing to look past or just get over, unless you say something that makes my eyes bleed like this:

"You cant learn anything important from a novel. I only read the Wall Street Journal."

i TOTALLY gave him my phone number... not.

random glimpse into my dating soul...

here is what the free eHarmony questionnaire has to say about me:

Many people, most probably, will be glad to be in the room you're in. At work you make the environment livelier and the banter more interesting, so the time moves swiftly and the experience is a happier one. At home you keep everyone connected because you engage each of them in the conversational action, and as a result they are more connected as well with one another. You make home a warmer and more interesting place for everyone who lives there.

You might also be helpful to some people. There are those who need to talk but aren't very good at it. They don't know how to begin the kind of conversation that would allow them to share whatever is in their personal stories that they'd like or need to talk about. You could make that easier for them with your way with words. Some people just need an example and a little encouragement to come out of their shell and get into the greater fun and personal connectedness that will make their lives so much more satisfying. Again, you might be just the right person to make that happen for them.

So almost everyone will be glad to be with you, you make life more interesting for those you live and work with, and you could help some of your friends who need just a little encouragement to open up and find in themselves the kinds of energetic and warm connections that you thrive on. Not that you are a pushover; in fact, you are often quite assertive. In taking care of yourself you also make sure that others are engaged and energized.