Tuesday, May 13, 2008

it might be the weather or just the storm clouds in my head...

i can't seem to shake this pervasive feeling of tired. i get into bed exhausted, and it takes me several hours to fall asleep. then in the morning, it takes over an hour of hitting the snooze button to get me out of bed. it's been like this for the last two weeks i'd say. is this because of the change in season? i don't feel particularly melancholy... a weence stressed b/c of financial issues (always) with moving and what not... but i'm not actually sad. i'm not sick. i'm not anything.

i'm looking forward to this summer with big eyes and an open heart (which is a nice change). i have high hopes of NOT dating... and of not caring that i'm not dating. because to say that i'm tired of pretending to be charming and tired of pretending to not get my hopes up when i meet someone new, is a severe understatement. i just want one of two people to come back, give me a very large hug, and tell me that i've been missed (followed by some sort of naked smooching activity). unless that's going to happen, i don't even want to bother with the rest of it. over it.

my mother was in town over the weekend, and i joined her and her also 60-something friend for high tea at the waldorf astoria. her friend kept asking me question after question about my life and where i was going etc, and my mother just sat there. like she finally GOT that i didn't like being constantly pestered about my future. when i said somewhat flippantly "i figure that if i'm not married by the time that i'm 35, i'll get articifial insemination... twice... and be done with it"... and she nodded. she NODDED. my "i want my daughter to have a perfect life, and get married, and have lots of babies, and be successful" mother NODDED her agreement that such a path would be okay for me. like finally it occurs to me that my mother doesn't so much want me to be happy for her own sake, she actually just wants ME to be happy. it's like my heart just burst open and i can breathe again.

the fact that spring is extending itself past one week in april is beyond lovely. i like this cool breeze, and drops of rain pretending to freshen up the dirty city streets. in my opinion, it can stay. stave off the swass season, i'm fine with that... although last night i found myself putting on the hooded sweatshirt that was sitting at the foot of my bed... because i was exceedingly cold, and because sometimes when you want to cuddle up to the person that ISN'T sleeping next to you, it's important to wrap yourself in something familiar and comfortable, and tuck up in your own arms.

for some odd reason, my period came an entire week early. i couldn't figure out why i was being such an insane yatch two weeks ago. now i know... it was early pms. and one would think that if the period comes a week early, it's done a week early. but not so. i am currently enjoying day ten in the trenches. welcome to the wonderful world of NOT awesome.

p.s. i did not enjoy sweeney todd.

9 comments:

arija said...

This is my favorite post you've written in a long time. It's very clear in your writing that you've turned a corner in your mind and in your personal outlook; and the way you write about it is so gentle and beautiful. It's like you know you don't have anything to prove and so your writing becomes that much more effortless because of it. I have a lot to learn from you. I love you! And I'll see you in a few days.

Hillary said...

ok but getting your period a week early is much better than getting your period a week late ... or not at all

lifeintheleftlane said...

The sleepiness could be allergy related. I'm alway wiped out this time of the year, even though I love how beautiful it is outside. Eek for extended periods. No fun at all!

happy with my non-pms life said...

Early, late - I don't know how you people can live with those things.

new york dactyl said...

arija - you are just the cutest. NO CRYING!

hill - this is quite true. although i've been on the pill since the age of 14, so there's really NO reason for my shizzle not to be on total clockwork.

LITLL - it really is gorgeous outside right now. i'm loving it.

happy - hilarious... and very good point.

Karen said...

1. I was going to ask you if you were pregnant, but then I saw the period thing. Nevah. Mind.

2. No desire to see Sweeney Todd whatsoever. Even less now that I know you didn't like it.

K said...

um. ten days. uck.

i love all the words you wrote here. and i think whatever plan you have for post-35 will work perfectly as long as you are the CEO of the plan. xo

Jeremy said...

Finally getting to a point of not dating and loving it is great. Took me a while but I enjoy it and it takes a ton of pressure off things. Just be thankful you don't have a psycho ex who wants to get back together with you.

Natalina said...

Parents are so often a dark cloud in our lives (or mine at least, since I probably can't speak for everyone here)....makes my heart extra happy to hear that your mom actually has YOUR happiness in mind. Seriously a rare and wonderful feeling.

And as for the tiredness... DUH!!! You're probably anemic! 10 days?!!!! Really?