goodbye summer...

it seems so odd to me that it's suddenly august. well tomorrow it'll be august, if we're really being technical. but where did the summer go? i look at all the new yorkers and tourists and what not sweating their asses off with disgruntled looks on their faces... and i'm thinking all that sweat has GOT to be leading to weight loss... but then i look down at my own sweaty body and notice... nope.

life just keeps ticking by... and the more that i think about it, the more i wonder... what the hell am i doing here? not so much here... but HERE. with this life. i walk the sidewalks and have these conversations with myself (in my own head mind you, we wouldn't want people thinking that i'm crazy), and i have these ideas about what direction i think a novel should take, and by the time i'm sitting down again, i've completely forgotten what i would have written down. i so don't want to become one of those writers that walks around everywhere with a tape recorder... but i really might have to do it.

i pay attention to the random bits of information available on the subways... and i've seen this passage many, many times, but for some reason... reading it yesterday sort of stabbed me in the chest. i'm sure you've all seen it somewhere:

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something ….Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion." - E.B. White

i agree with this thought wholeheartedly... and it serves as a great reminder for me to continue to be passionate about my life here and what that means. i need to focus on my passions and stop worrying about other unnecessary actions or courses. i write... i photograph... i remember that i am passionate. i am a person of passion.

now if i only i could get laid. :)

a little bit of perfection...

i took a four hour bus ride up to boston on friday afternoon... hungover to the Nth degree.

i drank too much on thursday night. and not too much, where it's one glass and you become the loud obnoxious girl... i became the pathetic CRYING girl. heaven help any people that came in contact with me between the hours of 10pm-1am. BAD. i went to happy hour with a newish friend... happy hour become "come to my friends bday party on the UES with me"... which was really me meeting 80 people named "edward t. so and so the third, brokerage and investment director for blah blah blah and i have a yacht". i try not to be judgemental in general. and who knows what i was so blatantly bitter towards the people that i was meeting. but i was literally uncomfortable. and it showed... and i behaved poorly. no excuses...

and my punishment was four hours on a bouncing peter pan bus up to boston.. with a wailing child behind me, and a woman from who knows where on the east coast repeatedly answering her phone and yelling into the receiver 'eh? i dunno.. i can't see a sign... eh?!" over and over again.

eight hours on a bus, to spend two days with friends, is never enough. i feel gilted. like i want to crawl back into my friend Ms blissfully air-conditioned living room, and pet her cat, and watch cable. drink coffee... eat seafood. take pictures. i got home last night to a sad kitty of my roommates and a SWELTERING apartment. the city in the summertime is oppressive, and i've decided officially that i just don't like it.

HOWEVER, i had such a lovely weekend relaxing and being calm.. in a space with no noise and no expectations... and it was completely perfect.

*shimmie*

i do not LOL... i do not ROFL... i *snot dairy* or *high kick* or *shimmie*... shimmie being my most used "hey that makes me so excited i just gave you a little shimmie emoticon that doesn't exist".

anyway... i got home from work on friday (summer fridays, so i was home by 1pm) and started preparing for the weekend's festivities... aka my housewarming party on sunday and all the chopping and shopping that goes along with making white peach sangria. somehow i managed to also take new pictures of arija... but anyways... as i'm taking out a few bags of garbage and what not, i realize that i've let the door to the apartment close and that i'm without keys to get back in. it was about 1:30... arija would be over shortly... and there i was standing in the hallway with two bags of garbage, a box full of broken glass, and an old tv set. super.

i decide to try and climb out of the hallway window (which was filthy) and spiderwoman climb onto our front balcony. the balcony door was OBVIously locked.. and then i realized that the window a/c unit was sitting in a partially open window. so i clambered up onto the ledge... moved the a/c unit... shimmied through the window back into our apartment and put everything back into place. my black shorts were covered in dust/dirt and my hands left dirty prints on the wall... but i was rather impressed with my own ingenuity and shimmie-ing skills.

woot.

okay okay..i GET it.

we all know that love and i have been fighting... and it's sort of like the universe is telling me something.

i'm sitting at home tonight watching one of my netflix videos (that i swear someone's been stealing from my mailbox since i haven't been getting mail lately)... the title is CASHBACK... and it's charming and witty and just romantic enough without being horribly cheesy. and the music is good. and the story is set in england... so obvi i love it.

anyway... the ending scene... a young couple on the verge of love, run outside into the snow... which has stopped and the snowflakes are suspended mid air... and the closing monologue... and the music.

i get it.



Ben Willis: Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away in between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it.

cats, robots, cramps, cake, and something...

i went to see WALL-E on sunday afternoon, and to say that i was in love with the film... well that might just be an understatement. so adorable. so... so adorable.

on the way there i stopped into petco (because i'm on a mission to get a wee kitten) to see if they had any animals there... just to browse mind you. petco in union square usually has a few "kittens" up for adoption. usually they are older kittens. well, i want a KITTEN... a small cat. kitten.

there was a young couple at the counter handling three kittens... five week old mewing little kittens. turns out, they found the abandoned kittens up on the UWS last week and have been trying to find a shelter or clinic to take them. however, everywhere seems to be full. one of the kittens has a cold, they came in to petco to get food and see if the adoption center would take them. turns out petco cant take animals younger than 8 weeks old. OBVIOUSLY i gave the guy my card... because although i can't take a kitten for two more weeks, i want one! BUT, i want to make sure that i'm getting a healthy kitten. even the prospect of getting a wee mongrel makes me all kinds of excited. like it was fated for me to walk into that petco and talk to that couple. fate i tell you.

and to top off all my domestic girliness (hurl), i baked a cake last night. the roommate has being says for DAYS that she wanted some chocolate... so i baked her a frickin chocolate cake. and might i tell you... it's pretty darn fancy.

what's happening to me!!

what exactly is the point again?

i think it's pretty much a given that i'm the listener in my group of friends. well, i should clarify... when i lived in my hometown and the majority of my friends also lived in that city, i was the listener in my group of friends. as time goes on, and i continue to embrace this new town, i find that the holes that i left when i moved away are quickly being filled... to the point where you wouldn't even notice that a space for me had even existed. people are having a hard time with family issues, and relationship issues... and where i normally would be the big ear and shoulder (listener and hugger, if you will), now i hear things later. after they've talked things out with so and so, and so and so new friend was there last night to be the voice of reason etc. why does this bother me? i have no effing clue.

or maybe i do. because when you invest in a friendship or relationship with someone, you want to continue to be as important to them, as they are to you. regardless of where i live, i still keep three or four names at the top of the list that are my emotional dumping ground, and the people that i turn to when I actually need to talk about things. it just hurts to realize that this isn't necessarily the reciprocated case. this has been brewing for awhile...

i'm seeing a lot of breaking up and separating... marriages, friendships, relationships... ending. and i wonder why i stay away from such things. because endings SUCK. and the last time that something really ended for me, it was almost three years ago... and to be honest, i don't really ever want to go through that again. i found some old pictures that used to hang on my wall... and my roommate was looking at them and said "he's HOT!"... and my heart actually ached.

i think i've officially lost my optimism when it comes to love. if one more person tells me that something has ended because "the timing wasn't right", i'm going to throw up on the spot. timing is bollocks. if two people can come together and agree to work at something, because it's within them to be together... then you just DO. no one says "hey i'm in love, lemme check my watch to make sure it's the right time". you don't make excuses, you find the way to make it work. and if it isn't within you to make it work... LET. IT. GO.

some of you are reading this and thinking "oh shit, she's talking about me"... "she's angry that i vented to her yesterday"... and that's just not the case. multiply your problems with that of six other people, and you'll understand what i've been listening to for the last twenty four hours.

good riddance, love. i've lost my faith in you.