it's a new year... i should say something.

it's a new year, and thus far 2009 hasn't been too much of whiny shithead. in fact, 2009 and i are on the road to becoming fast friends. business is picking up... i'm able to ignore the fact that the biting cold and winter dryness has completely ruined my skin... and romance is in the air. in the form of a tall british transplant that seems to say all the right things and is quickly becoming my perfect counterpart. i cannot recall at any point in my life previously, feeling the way that i do now. and even if he ends up reading this (hi handsome!!), i don't even care... because i'm smiling like i want the world to be envious of my teeth.

i feel like writing, and taking pictures, and dancing slowly...

so hello to you 2009... high five. and let's carry on together... for old time's sake.

revenge of the bookeaters...

so early yesterday, i was invited by a friend to join him at a benefit for 826 NYC at Town Hall. 826NYC is a nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting students ages 6 10 18 with their creative and expository writing skills, and to helping teachers inspire their students to write (verbatim from their website). all teaching is 100% volunteer based and they have two locations in brooklyn. i'm actually thinking about stopping by and offering my writing or photography skeeeelz.

the show was hosted by Daily Show correspondent John Oliver (oh lovely anglo) and included an interesting array of talent portions, including songs by random siezing asian chick Thao Nguyen, and dude duo Department of Eagles(who, i'm sorry to say, had the worst man haircut that i've ever seen from my forty yards away in my life), and talking points by Ira Glass and Kyp Malone.

Oh hello PAUL SIMON... it's not everyday that Paul Simon randomly walks out onto a stage to sing you a few ditties. I was in heaven. And then this completely beautiful african woman (whose name is not on the website so i can't tell you who she was... but she was amazing) came out and sang a few songs. And i swear to you... suddenly i felt like i'd listened to the entire soundtrack of the power of one in four minutes. extremely powerful voice. i'll need to research who the heck she was.

then writer Jonathan Franzen brought out Bobby Cannavale, Patricia Clarkson (who i just want to lick), Parker Posey (who i also just want to lick), and Tunde Adebimpe. they read a 16 page piece that Franzen had concocted about New York. it was brilliant.

two hours of awesome sauce, all for an amazing cause... loved it.

and then this morning i wake up to try and find a pair of jeans that i can wear under my new gray boots, and somehow manage to squeeze my suddenly smaller ass into an old pair of size 6 jeans that i haven't been able to fit into in the last year. so let this be a lesson, go support the arts and your ass gets smaller.

woot.

my love commune in scotland...

i feel like taking an entire day off, taking my laptop and headphones, and curling up in a big overstuffed chair somewhere, and doing some writing. i think one of my biggest problems is that i always feel like i have so much to say... but when it comes to the point of actually writing it all down... i can't seem to find the words.

i go back and read old blog entires and think... i wrote that?

the fall/winter always makes me feel excessively emotional. i think it's pretty clear that i'm an emotional and sensitive person... but for some reason, the cold makes me feel excessively so. one wants to get cuddly... and hold hands... and be read to. when in real life does that actually happen? does that happen in your lives? b/c it doesn't seem to happen in mine.

hope is an interesting concept. when do you stop hoping that things will work out and go your way? when do you let go of the romantic optimism, and settle into not-so-subtle realism? i'm impatient... i want the goodness to start now. but then again, i always seem to want the goodness to start right now.

i watched ironman again last night... i really do have a giant gaping crush on robert downey jr. hopefully one day, he'll become my fourth husband. once i start my love commune in scotland, of course. p.s. if the republican ticket wins... i'm starting a love commune in scotland. you're all invited.

kthxbye

okay okay..i GET it.

we all know that love and i have been fighting... and it's sort of like the universe is telling me something.

i'm sitting at home tonight watching one of my netflix videos (that i swear someone's been stealing from my mailbox since i haven't been getting mail lately)... the title is CASHBACK... and it's charming and witty and just romantic enough without being horribly cheesy. and the music is good. and the story is set in england... so obvi i love it.

anyway... the ending scene... a young couple on the verge of love, run outside into the snow... which has stopped and the snowflakes are suspended mid air... and the closing monologue... and the music.

i get it.



Ben Willis: Once upon a time, I wanted to know what love was. Love is there if you want it to be. You just have to see that it's wrapped in beauty and hidden away in between the seconds of your life. If you don't stop for a minute, you might miss it.

what exactly is the point again?

i think it's pretty much a given that i'm the listener in my group of friends. well, i should clarify... when i lived in my hometown and the majority of my friends also lived in that city, i was the listener in my group of friends. as time goes on, and i continue to embrace this new town, i find that the holes that i left when i moved away are quickly being filled... to the point where you wouldn't even notice that a space for me had even existed. people are having a hard time with family issues, and relationship issues... and where i normally would be the big ear and shoulder (listener and hugger, if you will), now i hear things later. after they've talked things out with so and so, and so and so new friend was there last night to be the voice of reason etc. why does this bother me? i have no effing clue.

or maybe i do. because when you invest in a friendship or relationship with someone, you want to continue to be as important to them, as they are to you. regardless of where i live, i still keep three or four names at the top of the list that are my emotional dumping ground, and the people that i turn to when I actually need to talk about things. it just hurts to realize that this isn't necessarily the reciprocated case. this has been brewing for awhile...

i'm seeing a lot of breaking up and separating... marriages, friendships, relationships... ending. and i wonder why i stay away from such things. because endings SUCK. and the last time that something really ended for me, it was almost three years ago... and to be honest, i don't really ever want to go through that again. i found some old pictures that used to hang on my wall... and my roommate was looking at them and said "he's HOT!"... and my heart actually ached.

i think i've officially lost my optimism when it comes to love. if one more person tells me that something has ended because "the timing wasn't right", i'm going to throw up on the spot. timing is bollocks. if two people can come together and agree to work at something, because it's within them to be together... then you just DO. no one says "hey i'm in love, lemme check my watch to make sure it's the right time". you don't make excuses, you find the way to make it work. and if it isn't within you to make it work... LET. IT. GO.

some of you are reading this and thinking "oh shit, she's talking about me"... "she's angry that i vented to her yesterday"... and that's just not the case. multiply your problems with that of six other people, and you'll understand what i've been listening to for the last twenty four hours.

good riddance, love. i've lost my faith in you.

i found my heart in delaware...

this last long weekend, i found myself on the delaware shore with friends. my girlfriend's grandma has a condo in bethany beach, so we took two carloads of friends down to the beach. we ate (well), we drank (a lot), we took walks on the beach, went swimming in the indoor pool, some of them worked out, we laughed, we watched movies. and i got to witness a great friend propose to his girlfriend. one of their first weekends together as a couple was spent in the exact same spot last year, so he decided that it would be appropriate to commemorate THIS weekend with an engagement ring. and being the only person in the group that knew he was going to do it, i was ablaze with excitement. i was the secret cohort, the co-conspirator... put in charge of actually putting the engagement ring on the wineglass charm before dinner, and my hands would NOT stop shaking. i couldn't make a bow with the string, i'm not kidding... i was in the bathroom for five minutes and finally gave up, tying it in a knot instead. she was so surprised. they make an absolutely beautiful and wonderful couple and i was just so happy to be included.

we also had a five year old with us (this is the same five year old that i spent an entire holiday party sitting on the floor with playing 'memory' all those months ago, if you're keeping track).



she has that disheveled, i live in a third world country (minus my polka dot pink bathing suit) kind of thing going on.. but that's because we were all laughing and playing tag a few moments beforehand.

i forget sometimes how much i love children... since i live in a world of adults in the city. this last weekend was the most rejuvenating experience. my heart feels full.

when penelope sits on your lap, as she's apt to do while watching any sort of movie, she'll lift her arm up and play with your hair, twirling it around on her finger... and is always holding a hand or something like that. the love and affection of a child...there really is nothing like it.

other women worry sometimes that they won't be good mothers... i don't worry that i won't be a good mother, i know i will be. i just worry that i'll never BE a mother (don't respond to that part... i'm just braindumping).

i'm back in the city after three days of atlantic ocean, fresh salt air, great beach walking, and a lot of laughter. it's a good day.

please smile...

happy day of naughty snogging...

or something...

i love that time of year when tax returns and paychecks converge in my bank account. suddenly i have a surplass of cash and my happy little hands rub together with excitement deciding what little treat or two i'll buy myself. a few weeks ago i was discussing the possibilities with rach, asking her if i should get that fancy new lens or pay down credit cards. oh wise sage... rach quietly urged me to pay my bills. the jerk. the lovely jerk. so instead of being stupid, i paid down a very substantial chunk of bills... and then managed to buy only a little treat (or two) in this delicious little number:



and a remote timer for my camera. aka i spent not very much money at all, managed to spoil myself a little bit, AND was smart and took care of some actual life business. yay me.

happy day for snogging. i'm going to go see definitely, maybe with my friend john tonight. maybe we'll hold hands, just to celebrate the day.

xoxoxox carry on lovers.

blue water woman

my own lady of shalott:



There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

---

random bits:

a male friend emailed to tell me the good news that one of his friends got engaged towards the end of the week. i thought perhaps that we trying to get me a photo gig, but no... he was telling me because the woman was 31, so there was still hope for me. oddly, this did NOT make me feel very good.

i let my roommate talk me into going to 'urban rebounding' class this morning at the gym. basically it's an hour of jumping up and down on mini trampolines and throwing your arms every which way. i'm tall, so i had to keep my knees bent in order to jump smaller and stay on tempo with everyone else. i shant be taking that class again, although a solid workout and i can feel things beginnging to sore already, my back and knees are killing right now from the impact of it all. bygones.

i spent part of my afternoon at my neighbor's place eating black bean chips and delicious salsa while we watched football. i love football. since i was up until three a.m. this morning reading, i excused myself early today because i'm now so tired.

at this moment (well not THIS moment obv), i'm in bed reading a good book, sipping on sleeptime tea, smelling my favorite candle burn, and listening to the gypsy kings. sometimes gentle perfection is easily attained. if you just look within yourself when you're quiet, it is there.

love.

the letter j is my nemesis... literally

i dont know what it is about the letter j and it's ability to just tear me to pieces. every emotional breakdown i've had, because of a break up or a relationship gone bad, has mostly had to do with the guy having a name that started with a J (ironically, my best friend's name starts with j... so this is the universe's way of saying that i should really be a lesbian.. bygones).

it happened... AGAIN! even in the briefest of interludes i met a man in this city that was actually interesting, and good looking, and talented.. and passionate about so many things... i was actually excited to get to know him. the first week = magic. three great dates and many hours spent together talking, eating, watching movies, and just getting down to the good stuff. week two = the antithesis and the slow fade. if you don't know me then you aren't fully aware of my 'isms', but the slow fade is something i came up with a few years ago to coin a man's sudden failure to communicate... and slowly and quietly slip out of your life without one of those communicative discussions that could be quite simple if someone just said 'it's too fast' or 'i'm not really into you' or 'i'm an idiot and want to be with someone skinnier and with less of a sense of humor'. who knows what goes on inside of a man's brain, but the 180 slow retreat is the most cowardly move i've ever been privvy to. and yet...it happens to me alot. not a LOT, mind you. but i find that the men i meet just can't seem to be honest about what's going on in their little brains.

and so i'm left a little curious, and a lot of wounded... sort of sad, and pretending that someone i've known for 2.5 weeks doesn't have the capability of reducing me to tears by simply deciding that he's not as excited about me as he was when we first met.

alas... the letter j... you've thwarted me again.
check mate.