Monday, January 14, 2008

i am the author of my own legend...

since i've been back in town after the holidays, i've been extremely solitary. part of that was due to my being sick, but even now that i'm feeling back to normal, i just want to be quiet. seek some sense of peace perhaps? i'm not really sure. i'm starting to wonder if i'm sabotaging my move here... meaning if i don't go out and meet people and see the city and enjoy myself... LIVE, in other words... then i'll despise it and move on... or move back home. i don't know why i'm doing this, per se, but i think that i am. and maybe this is me acknowledging that fact. saying something out loud (because clearly i'm saying all of this out loud whilst i type it) makes it real. i just don't know what i'm afraid of.

it occurs to me that people will perceive in you exactly what you want them to see. if you exude anger, you are angry. if you show them fear, then you are afraid. if you don't display confidence, they will not know that you are in fact confident. the key is to walk with your chin up... turn the music up louder, sing if you have to, skip while you stream down any sidewalk. just remember to live in exactly the very fullest version of you that is inside of you. and do not be afraid. fuck "them". because no matter who you are and where you are at this very moment in time, you are perfection. the author of your own legend.

i have a plan.

i haven't been sleeping well. i haven't been able to get myself asleep before midnight, and up in time to wake up and be alert by the time i get to work. i hit the wall at 2pm again. i feel like taking naps at my desk. i had to fix it... so i went to the gym today after work and kicked the everloving bajeezus out of myself. my arms aren't moving very well, but at least i managed to tucker myself out.

via this online dating endeavor, a guy started emailing me today that looks frighteningly similar to my exboyfriend. seriously. they may be related. i even said as much to the guy and he asked to see a picture. even HE said that they look spookily alike. i really don't think that i can date someone that looks like someone that i already dated. what if i shout out the wrong name? and really, i don't want another reminder of that wasted time of my life. next!

in other news, i watched an advance dvd copy of i am legend last night. why no one bothered to tell me that it's a movie about zombies, i'll never know. you jerks. here's me reading every metacritic review before i see a new movie from now on. i can just imagine... had half-asian jacob been here to sit with me while it was on, he would have been jabbing me in the sides to make me jump even higher at the suspenseful parts. p.s. i didn't like it... and my opinion has nothing to do with the zombies. and p.p.s. long sweeping views of a completely desolate manhattan, with shrubbery growing in odd places and birds chirping (who hears birds chirping anymore?!), is completely unsettling.

bygones and good night.


Karen said...

I thought it was vampires???

I had no desire to see it before your mention of it, and I think you've further solidified that for me.

p.s. - *hug*

beeej said...

I'm actually going to take a moment and be serious here. Shocking I know. I'm just warning you before you read on, so you aren't caught off guard.

I have felt that very same way, and not very long ago I might add. I didn't want to be around anyone, nor did I want to live in my current location anymore. I think at times I still struggle with it, but I am tons better now. It has taken a lot of time to get back into the groove. I honestly think it is what comes to us at this stage in our lives. I know personally I do not feel my life is where I always figured it would be by now. Uncertainty is a complete bastard. Not that I have a bad life mind you. It just seems lacking at times. Was I doing it to myself purposefully? I could have been. I never really reflected on it. Sometimes I think that when we get into our old comfortable surroundings it can make us complacent. It is our safe zone, what we know. Makes the adventurous side of us a bit nervous. Brings out the doubt.

Then out of no where, the most minute thing happened. Then it was a snowball affect from there. Things aren't perfect, but I can't complain. I no longer feel my soul is as empty and dark as the night sky. It may just be partly cloudy now. I do feel more determined towards life now. When I actually have a serious goal to tackle it is done for :).

As for I am legend. I actually didn't know it was about zombies so I just got

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

haha, that's the movie i was referring to in my blog. I wrote aliens but meant aliens, zombies, vampires or any other ridiculousness that can ruin a good movie premise.

I haven't been sleeping good either!!! I keep tossing and turning and waking up all night. It sucks :(