Tuesday, March 18, 2008

you're so morose, it's gross... and i'm verbose

yes... clearly i'm ridiculous. you don't have to say it.

here's what i discovered today (and no i'm not such a morbid thinker usually, the topic came up when someone that i know lost a friend yesterday... or something):

i have not had anyone close to me die. no close family members, no close friends, no weird freak accidents, no someones lost to strange health issues at a young age... nada. and yes, i'm knocking on anything wood or woodlike near me right now. is that weird? is it weird that the only examples of loss that i've ever experienced in life are ended relationships and heartache? i think that's weird. not that i'm hoping that you all drop dead tomorrow, but i think that's unusual. i can't think of anyone i know that hasn't lost someone.

i also dream about my mother dying or getting into an accident... a LOT. it happens so often that i'm numb to the idea of her keeling over tomorrow. i get nervous when i watch her arthritic legs walk up and down the stairs in her condo, but the concept of her death seems so foreign (and yet familair b/c i dream about it all the time) that i'm not touched by it. who KNOWS how i'm going to behave when she actually passes. i wonder what my reaction will be. frightening.

i've also been daydreaming about falling up and down stairs lately... every time i get to the top of a flight of stairs, i pause for a second and grab the handrail. of course i'm wearing heels more than usual... but still.

something is about to happen... because all i can think about is doom and disaster. hold the handrails people... something is coming.

and happy tuesday... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

9 comments:

Hillary said...

Keep knocking on wood!
That's all I got.

Jeremy said...

Interesting. I've been more clumsy lately than I can ever remember being in my entire life. My stubbed toes and I blame you now.

Hmmm...you know the more I think about it I can't think of anyone really close that I've lost either. A few people that I knew and were friends with, but not close per say. More like we would hang out if we happened to be at the same place and have fun, but not hang out as a must. I lost a Grandfather, but again we weren't close. I was the only grandkid that knew him, but not that well. I was sad when they were gone, but again nothing close, so it wasn't anything that stuck with me.

So if you are weird then I am as well. Like I needed another “weird” mark against me.

K said...

that is strange, and if you feel something coming...brace yourself! although i hope it is just you pretending to be psuchic and being very wrong!:)

an elderly woman was stabbed to death outside of the hospital complex i work in last night, by her husband. they were visiting their grandson inside.

funny about the stairs thing, we have weird quirks don't we? my sister has one, where she is SURE she is going to throw her keys in a lake, pond, toilet uncontrollably when she passes by one! i love it! she has to remind herself not to....HA

... so i send good vibes your way....xo

Karen said...

Maybe it just means that you're becoming aware of how precious life actually is. I don't think it precedes disaster, it's just a sign of maturity.

You ARE 30, after all! ;-)

arija said...

losing someone close to you, in addition to everything else that it may be, is an identity-shaper. for that, i completely understand your fascination with and maybe your hidden desire to experience the loss of someone near and dear to you. don't be ashamed! everyone who hasn't experienced it wants to, because you see how people in your life who have lost someone deal with it, and it's something foreign to you.

ryan and i have talked about this at length - how the death of an important person changes you, specifically how this particular type of pain changes your sense of humor. ryan is close to several people whose dads died when these people were kids, and he says that having a dead dad makes for a very particular, VERY funny, and at times, unrelentingly mean type of humor. the women i know who have lost children (not miscarriages, actually had children who have died) and who have subsequently have had more children have loved those children so fiercely and yet held onto them less tightly than you might expect. why do people react this way? one can't know until one experiences it, and that's why (i think) until you have, you secretly want to join the elite club of the grievers.

i've lost two grandparents, but they were basically begging god to take them to heaven at the time. my dad's dad died when my dad was in his 20s, and i think that experience has informed some of his parenting, especially now that my brother and i are in our 20s. i think it's pretty safe to say that you'll lose someone close to you eventually, and when you do, allow yourself to grieve and allow yourself to integrate that experience into your identity.

arija said...

p.s. thinking about the idea of "loss" and its various meanings (it can apply to misplacing an earring...and to someone dying! that's crazy!) always makes me think of this poem, maybe my favorite poem ever written.

One Art, by Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

Amanda Mae said...

you make me smile.

Miss Adventurous said...

HOLY CRAP.

Seriously, there is something going around in the air lately... maybe it's got something to do with the Vernal Equinox coming up?

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

hmm I hope that's not true. I'll admit that I'm obsessed with the idea that something terrible is going to happen to my son. I hate to let him out of my sight sometimes it gets so bad. It's horrible.