coming out of the fog...

what is it about that first day after being sick (or hungover) that is so magical? all of a sudden, there's that little extra pep in your step. you want to listen to loud music at your desk and bounce about in your chair. or maybe that's just me? who knows.

eventhough i'm still blowing my nose every five seconds, these halls vitamin c "defense" cough drops are delightful, and i think i'm finally out of the woods. my ears are still plugged up, so i have to play my music louder than normal, but at least i WANT to play my music.

in fact, i've been rocking out to the playlist on my own blog all morning. just. can't. help. myself.

and if you feel like having a moment of awe, go read my friend stella's med school admission essay... i've never been more proud of her: read the magic of the kevlar

when life gets a little rough and/or tumble... add a little sunshine

dating is hard. it takes a lot out of you... all that being on your best behavior, putting your best foot forward, remembering not to belch in front of someone new (that hasn't yet been introduced to the cacophony of your burps), having to put makeup on and shave your legs, the not so joyous tasks of letting someone down that you like but don't LIKE, and then starting all over again when you realize that the current crew just isn't hitting the high notes... or more to the point, making YOU hit the high notes.

i signed up for another month of match.com... it's payday and i was in the mood. last month garnered 1300 profile views, 212 winks received, 73 emails, 7 first dates, and 3 second plus dates. frightening statistics indeed. i swear i'm going to start saving the gem openers that i'm receiving from some people... just so that we can all giggle later.

since usually winter is a tough time for me, i'm delighted to find that i've stopped biting my nails again and i've got some significant growth going on here. that's good stuff. means that i'm not feeling anxious. the only bad thing about this winter is the beluga like coloring of my skin right now. way to make a girl feel NOT awesome. so i just bought this (the bff from california just introduced me to it last weekend and it's amazing):



there are worse things then being pale and awesome... but tan and awesome is just a little bit better.

mental note: must book plane ticket back to seattle soon so that sugin can fix my roots. spring is soon to hit NYC and i must be prepared for full dactyl shenanigans.

what to think...

not sure what to think when my boss sits me down today to talk about how worried is about how sick i seem to constantly be getting. i hear "i'm disappointed in your job performance" when he says "when was the last time you had a physical, and maybe something is wrong with your immune system". i'm sure that it all comes from a good place, i just don't need the reminder that i'm slipping a little bit. i know that i get sick a lot in the winter time... germs hate me.

a nice man sent me flowers yesterday to brighten up my sick day, and i took this.

little did he know it was one avocado...

do you ever find yourself saying things... funny things (that only your closest friends would ever get)... to complete strangers? i do that all the time. inside joke phrases that only certain people know. i'll just blurt them out, and then have to backtrack with "it's funny to some people".

one of my best friends was in town this weekend, and we had such a blast. she got in late thursday evening and after canoodling for a few brief moments, got ready and hit the town. that night we hit five bars, ended up dancing with a bunch of europeans (i ended up stealing one of their passports and have no idea how to get it back to him... poor francisco), falling in the snow three times total (i have bruises everywhere), and stumbling home at 5 in the morning.

friday, we got out of bed at 2pm and spent part of the day shopping and wandering around the city. it was torture for me, jasean was somehow feeling just fine. came back home, got ready, and went out to dinner at STK and enjoyed one of the BEST meals i've eaten in my entire life. make note... if you come to visit, this is where we will dine. i thought i'd died and gone to heaven... seriously. then we went to naima to meet up with legendary house producer Jay-J, to celebrate his birthday and hear him play some great records. i danced my tooshie off. if you need to find it, it's on the floor somewhere at naima.

saturday, we got up a little earlier and headed to the Met to get us some of that darn culture stuff. jasean and i are similar when it comes to appreciating art. we like and dislike the same things... don't linger toooo long, and really only care about the impressionists. so we saved that wing for last and spent a good thirty minutes drooling over my favie monets.

she wanted to make sure that she saw ground zero and the statue of liberty, so we hauled it downtown as the sun was going down. the lady is not that exciting from the financial district in the dark. by this time, she wasn't feeling well and i was tired, so we went back home to rest before another night out.

except, we never got out of bed. she had become puking sick and my head was hurting so badly that i could barely see. that lasted until she left the next afternoon, and now i'm sicker than i've been all year. poor things. we still had a stellar weekend and it was so great to spend quality time with her... but now i feel like death, so excuse me while i slurp down some soup.

carry on.

what a day for a daydream...

i wish that i could take a picture of my office right now and show it to all of you. yesterday i arrived at work to find out that a pipe had frozen and burst on the 11th floor causing most of the floors below it along one side of the building to flood. guess whose office received the brunt of the awesome on floor number seven? that's right... mine. the water had completely ruined the carpet, killed my printer, computer, and telephone, destroyed one wall of bookshelves and most of the things on it, and made my entire office uninhabitable. the smell... oh lord the smell. so... my boss gave me a day off. how lovely right? i ran some errands, swore that i would go home and do laundry, and then proceeded, instead, to do my nails and watch the first half of season one of the L word (i am now hooked bee tee dubs).

didn't get any laundry done whatsoever... which i'll be scrambling to do today after work before my best friend from california gets into town for the weekend.

anyways, my office. the carpet is relatively dry now... with a giant fan/turbo blower on the floor pummeling cold air onto the floor (and into my lungs, so now i'm coughing and sneezing like a crazy person). they've ripped up the trim in here so it looks sort of like a war zone. my phone isn't working... or it works on speaker, which you wouldn't be able to hear because of the turbo fan... so i have no phone. i did, however, get a new and bigger computer monitor, so i feel like i'm watching movies at my desk. tres awesome.

soooo i'm now picking through dried piles of paperwork that were on my desk... trying to decipher the handwriting on the wrinkled pages. it's a good time. thank goodness that i have tomorrow off as a vacation day. two day work weeks are sort of awesome.

i found my heart in delaware...

this last long weekend, i found myself on the delaware shore with friends. my girlfriend's grandma has a condo in bethany beach, so we took two carloads of friends down to the beach. we ate (well), we drank (a lot), we took walks on the beach, went swimming in the indoor pool, some of them worked out, we laughed, we watched movies. and i got to witness a great friend propose to his girlfriend. one of their first weekends together as a couple was spent in the exact same spot last year, so he decided that it would be appropriate to commemorate THIS weekend with an engagement ring. and being the only person in the group that knew he was going to do it, i was ablaze with excitement. i was the secret cohort, the co-conspirator... put in charge of actually putting the engagement ring on the wineglass charm before dinner, and my hands would NOT stop shaking. i couldn't make a bow with the string, i'm not kidding... i was in the bathroom for five minutes and finally gave up, tying it in a knot instead. she was so surprised. they make an absolutely beautiful and wonderful couple and i was just so happy to be included.

we also had a five year old with us (this is the same five year old that i spent an entire holiday party sitting on the floor with playing 'memory' all those months ago, if you're keeping track).



she has that disheveled, i live in a third world country (minus my polka dot pink bathing suit) kind of thing going on.. but that's because we were all laughing and playing tag a few moments beforehand.

i forget sometimes how much i love children... since i live in a world of adults in the city. this last weekend was the most rejuvenating experience. my heart feels full.

when penelope sits on your lap, as she's apt to do while watching any sort of movie, she'll lift her arm up and play with your hair, twirling it around on her finger... and is always holding a hand or something like that. the love and affection of a child...there really is nothing like it.

other women worry sometimes that they won't be good mothers... i don't worry that i won't be a good mother, i know i will be. i just worry that i'll never BE a mother (don't respond to that part... i'm just braindumping).

i'm back in the city after three days of atlantic ocean, fresh salt air, great beach walking, and a lot of laughter. it's a good day.

please smile...

weird dreams are made of thee...

i had an utterly bizarre dream last night. normally i don't remember my dreams, i am merely left with a vague sense of memory, or adventure, but i never remember specifics. for some reason, i remember almost all of my dream last night. and it included a bunch of people that i've never met before, but they all had distinguishable faces and names. i ended up falling in love with a man named steve. i have an ex named steve that i sometimes think about and wonder the 'what ifs' of me actually moving to new jersey six years ago and actually marrying him... but that's neither here nor there. he married someone else last july and we no longer speak. moving on.

the man from my dream was named steve, and he lived in a house with his sister and a few other people. it was a big house, and the main bedroom had a big bed that was low to the ground. there were a lot of weird adventure related elements to the dream that i won't bother going into... but the odd piece of it that is still resonating with me is that i felt loved. whatever relationship i was creating with this steve in my dream included him loving me. and as sappy as this sounds, it's been so long since a man actually loved me, that i woke up with tears on my cheeks. so girlie.

my dreams are sometimes a foreshadowing of what will occur. i have had instances of supreme deja vu, or experienced something that i KNOW i dreamt about a few nights or weeks before. not to say that some guy named steve is going to love me tomorrow, but for some reason i woke up feeling really hopeful this morning... and very anti the bullshit.

i even wrote a few emails to men that i've gone out with over the last few months that sort of pulled a slow fade or just haven't followed through on the things that they said they'd do... we all know how i love the slow fade... and i feel better having at least put it out there that i don't appreciate the cowardly bow out.

gotta love being thirty...

definitely, maybe

british john and i went to see definitely, maybe as our "valentine's day is dumb, let's buddy up and go to the movies" event. we met outside the movie theater only to find out that the showing was sold out. as he exclaimed "it's sold out to me", a man leaned in and said "i have free passes if you'd like them... but you didn't get them from me." i personally thought it was a scam... turns out, not so much. KY jelly was doing a radio sponsored give away and the rest of the people in the audience were all winners... we just happened to be lucky loud people and got in for FREE. love that.

the movie was charming... ryan reynolds managed to carry a movie without having to take his shirt off (which i was a little sad about really, because he epitomizes the pretty to me) and abigail breslin is, of course, adorable. i will clearly purchase this on dvd when it comes out and add it to my ever-increasing pile of sunday afternoon movies.

and just because it was valentine's day and i felt like it... i bought more ck cheekies... because OBVIOUSLY i need more bloomin underwear. pfft.

happy day of naughty snogging...

or something...

i love that time of year when tax returns and paychecks converge in my bank account. suddenly i have a surplass of cash and my happy little hands rub together with excitement deciding what little treat or two i'll buy myself. a few weeks ago i was discussing the possibilities with rach, asking her if i should get that fancy new lens or pay down credit cards. oh wise sage... rach quietly urged me to pay my bills. the jerk. the lovely jerk. so instead of being stupid, i paid down a very substantial chunk of bills... and then managed to buy only a little treat (or two) in this delicious little number:



and a remote timer for my camera. aka i spent not very much money at all, managed to spoil myself a little bit, AND was smart and took care of some actual life business. yay me.

happy day for snogging. i'm going to go see definitely, maybe with my friend john tonight. maybe we'll hold hands, just to celebrate the day.

xoxoxox carry on lovers.

you can totally come over...

it comes in the mail tomorrow... and yes, i WILL be jumping on my bed and singing all of these songs at the top of my lungs.

you can totally come over.



chipmunk adventure = AWESOME

how much will you spend on a pair of men's underwear?

if you looked at this ad, would you spend more money then you should?



the answer is yes... yes you would.
i don't even have anyone to wear these for me, and i'd buy a pair. eeeeesh.

30th birthday recap

sushi dinner = awesome
one bottle of sake = awesome
drinks at brass monkey in the meatpacking district = awesome
20 people in attendance = awesome
6 or 7 mini bottles of champagne (for just myself) = awesome
lilies = awesome
carrot cake cupcakes = awesome
smiling friends and lots of dancing = awesome

hangover for the next two days = NOT awesome but totally worth it.

helloooooooo 30!!

awesome / not awesome

cheddar cheese = awesome (obv)
half assed gestures = not awesome
sleeping in an extra hour = awesome
being sore the next morning after a good gym workout = awesome
being forgotten = not awesome
hugs from girlfriends = awesome
good suhmooches = awesome
commitment issues = not awesome
mashed potatoes = awesome
carrot cake = awesome
new cheekies = awesome
clean sheets = awesome
pungent body odor = not awesome
excessive douchebaggery = not awesome
action adventure films = awesome
president's day weekend trips = awesome

this will continue... it all breaks down to either awesome or not awesome.

it's my pity party and i'll blog if i want to...

please note, this isn't actually a pity party... it's just on my mind. really i don't think that anyone is going to get this except douche (because we share the same birthday and are the same age...it's magic).

i'm turning 30 in three days. yes, it's true. on friday, i'll no longer be a 20 something. whatever. i'm not so much even focusing on the fact that i'm turning the big three oh. everyone keeps asking me if i'm excited. why would i be excited?

the something-oh birthdays are technically milestones once you pass the 21 mark. and as such, should be sort of a bigger deal with big parties and lots of celebrating.. some sort of love fest (and not in the orgy way). so when people ask me if i'm excited, my answer is no... i'm not.

i would get excited if my three best friends all called randomly from the west coast to say that they've been conspiring to all come out to see me this weekend and give me hugs. that would get me excited. because as you get older (or as i get older), i want to spend time with all the people that make me feel the best about myself, and know me the best... the ones that i don't have to pretend in front of. because when you're thirty, you don't want to spend an evening "celebrating" your big birthday with a bunch of people that you've known for less than six months that know nothing about the you from the college years, and the "where's my SHIT!" you from your 28th birthday. new friends are amazing, don't get me wrong. truly amazing. but it's not the same. so i suppose that i'm trying hard not to wallow in this last three days thinking that i can't have things the way that i want them, and just be thankful that i know ten people in this city that want to watch me blow out some candles.

also adding to the not awesome are responses to my email invite to join for drinks like "i just don't like going out that late" (ten pm.. what?) and invites to their own house parties on the same evening. not awesome.

life seems to hand out some pretty interesting cards. good thing i'm not playing old maid right now...

it's like TORTURE!!!

i'm supposed to wait until JUNE for this!!!!!! sometimes it's just so obvious that i would totally lick angelina's face if given the opportunity...

i'm just saying.

one of those random days where i'm glad to be a new yorker...

eli manning is a sniveling doofus that really needs to learn how to keep his mouth closed. why does he always look like he's confused or about to go to sleep? anyhoozle... the superbowl yesterday was boring. we were all complaining about it, the commercials were kind of stupid, the halftime show not that awesome. i'm pretty sure that i almost fell asleep on the couch just after the third quarter began (which i think also might be because of the large amounts of 7-layer dip that i'd eaten... i do love the dip)... and THEN!!! the entire room couldn't stop woo-hooing. how nice in that moment to feel like a new yorker. such an amazing play...

driving back through manhattan to my house was interesting. block after block after block of UES bafoons screaming and running in the streets. blatant jackassery, that's all that was. i still smiled at them all though.

i had a great weekend, got out of the house a ton... spent time with good people. couldn't ask for more than that really.

happy monday... ugh.

what is WRONG with me?

i actually dare you to listen to this three times in a row and NOT start bouncing around to it. clearly i'm a twelve year old... but i don't care.

do it.