Tuesday, November 20, 2007

sidewalk etiquette you miniature person wielding an umbrella!!

i am from seattle, washington. i don't know if you're aware of this, but it rains there... sometimes. therefore, i am an AMAZING driver in any kind of precipitation and will not pull out an umbrella on the sidewalk until actual full sized droplets are bouncing on my head with any proximity to each other. if they are five seconds apart, get over it.

so today, as i walked to the dentist for my every-six-month cleaning, i found myself getting more and more annoyed by the douchebags on the sidewalk. here's the thing... if you're short, unless you follow the proper umbrella holding rules, you are going to poke me in the face as you walk by me. LIFT UP YOUR UMBRELLA!!! the tall people will lift theirs up higher, it'll all work out, but avoid pushing your umbrella spokes into other people's faces!! i do not understand how human beings can be so unaware of themselves as they walk down the street. you see the other people around you, don't you? it's even easier to spot them when they are also carrying football field sized bright orange umbrellas. because if you're going to carry an umbrella, CLEARLY you should be able to keep your entire golf cart dry at the same time. imbeciles. stay to the right, keep your umbrella above eye level of the people around you, and everything will be okay.

sidewalk rage is a growing problem in new york city. we must all do our part to make the sidewalks safe. i like my eyeballs, and i'd like to hold on to both of them. i know that's madness, but really.

today was also the first time that i had the opportunity to stand up next to my dental hygienist. usually i'm already sitting down in the chair when she comes in, and she usually leaves to go work on someone else by the time i get up to gather my things. not so this time, because i'd brought in stanley (my night guard) for a quick cleaning.... so as she was finishing him off, i stood up to grab my jacket (and hat and scarf and purse, if we're being thorough). i've always known that she was petite and adorable, but good lord i LOOM over her. she turned around and then tipped her head all the back to look up into my face. we both started laughing. then my dentist came in the room and she's also just as beency.

everywhere i go, i'm surrounded by little people. i'm about to change my name to dorothy and be done with it.

happy gobble gobble week. carry on.


Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

Perhaps if you give me a few inches of your height we'd both be better off?

dactyl said...

oh no no, i'd much prefer to be this height. no suffocation on the subways!!

just promise to be a conscientious umbrella user! :)

Rachel Schell said...

you crack me up! seriously...

so, I think I'm of pretty average height. which I like because I'm never the tallest person and I'm never the shortest person. it's great! the visual you gave made you appear like an ogre or something...LOL.

and you should see a couple of 4 year olds with umbrellas. men beware! if you think your eyeballs are important then those other two round things are pretty important also.

dactyl said...

alright alright rach... i laughed loudly at that one.

and sometimes, quite frankly, i FEEL like an ogre. today is one of those days... obv.

arija said...

oh, nyc sidewalk etiquette...whenever i'm in the city with non-new yorkers (for these purposes i still consider myself one) they're amazed/terrified/appalled by the ferocity with which i plow through crowds. but really, it's the freaking only way you're going to get to where you need to be. really, tourist, you needed to stand RIGHT in the middle of the little ramp up from the street to the sidewalk on 5th avenue? you really needed to stop in your tracks in the middle of the sidewalk to fight over whether to visit the American Girl Doll store or the NBA Store first? my absolutely favorites are the people who open their umbrellas before they're even out of the subway stairs yet, so i'm inevitably blasted with water from the LAST time they were outside. fucking open up your umbrella outside and MOVE ON!

Beeej said...

I just wear a raincoat and hat. Avoid the umbrella completely. ;)

Anonymous said...

I too, was completely overwhelemed by NYC pedestrianism until one day when I was super pissed about something. I was storming to the subway, thinking "MY GOD, WHAT AN ASS" when I noticed that everyone was making room for me. Since then, whenever I am going anywhere, I fix on a point in the distance and look pissed. If someone gets in my way I reposition my pissy gaze so that it falls right on them and they usually wither in the icy blast (Ok, or not -but it works a lot of the time!). When umbrellas are in the mix I sometimes add a slight upward motion with my fist and a sigh.

Just doing my part to maintain our cities friendly reputation, get to lunch on time, and protect my eyes

Karen said...

1. Being from New Orleans, we not only mastered the art of plowing thru (usually drunken) crowds, but avoiding the piss and vomit while you do it. Now THAT'S skill, people.

2. You are not an ogre.

3. You'd be filthy rich if you had a nickel for every time someone tells you that you crack them up.

Amanda Mae said...

Umbrella's are 100% unnecessary for any seattleite.

If you require such a accessory to get from one place to another, you should simply catch a cab or stay home ;-)

Number of Umbrella's I own: 4
Number of time's I have used them for their set purpose: 0

PS- I am thankful for you.

Big Momma Pimpalishisness said...

I am SO conscientious that I don't even own an umbrella.

Jennifer said...

I totally lost it at "douchebags on the sidewalk." You crack me UP, woman!

Miss you! Hope you had a nice holiday.


Ambiguous Amber said...

Deja vous.

I blogged about this exact same annoyance about six years ago when I decided that umbrellas are for pussies and the people who decide to carry them haven't a clue how to hold one so that it doesn't take an eye out of a fellow pedestrian.

martha said...

Additionally – if you have an umbrella… THEN YOU DON’T NEED TO WALK UNDER THE COVERED AREAS!!!!! Those are reserved for people such as myself who never seem to have an umbrella….. yet, don’t really care to either. (I, too, am from Seattle)