Saturday, July 4, 2009

family time...

i suppose it's always a little bit dangerous to spend any length of time with friends that have small children, because afterwards i'm left with this overwhelming feeling like i'm missing out on something. 10 days with a 5 and 7 year old... 4 days with a 3.5 year old. my best friend just got married. i want whatever is next.

i think i've exhausted myself of the single life. i don't like it. i want the next stage, the whatever version of happily ever after that's supposed to be mine. i still hate dating. i hate the insecurities that it triggers in me. the 'if someone wanted to see me, they'd make an effort to do so, why aren't they making an effort?'s... etc. and it doesn't mean that i'm not satisfied within myself about ME. b/c that's not really the issue. i'm not satisfied with the single me. and i'm not saying that because i need someone else to 'complete me', and all that bee ess. i'm saying it because i want my legacy to be seen in the joy of my children's faces. that's it. so what do i do to get there? it's all very strange.

the crazy traveling for photo work is finally over. so now i'm back in new york, jobless and apartmentless... and now is when i really begin to knuckle down and figure it all out. get it all settled. and also when i start freaking the hell out. i begin to wonder why i bother staying here. what exactly is keeping me here?

it's always the same things with me, right? right.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

maybe because you sound so desperate in every post, you'll never get what you want. if i were a guy dating you, this blog would scare the shit out of me.

new york dactyl said...

and then there's a comment like that. :) how lovely. thank you, sir.

Mariko Annu said...

Anonymous people always talk with big balls, but pack such tiny ones for everyday use. Your comment was petty. But that's not surprising coming from someone who scares easily like yourself.

Jenn said...

Anonymous (aka coward), you're clearly just angry because you're unworthy to even share OXYGEN with someone like Tara, let alone be privileged enough to have a real conversation.

Go fuck yourself with a rusty tailpipe.

erin said...

i feel it for you right around the corner. an unexpected twist...
the romance story that you crave for-happening when you least expect it.

and if i were a man dating you, i would feel pretty damn lucky to be with someone who is not only so real and down to earth, but beautiful, talented, and hilarious.

i hate the cliché that talking about marriage and babies with a man would scare them off-really? well then, if it did-obviously that is a man you wouldn't want to be involved with. someone who can't commit or have an idea of what he wants for his life. someone who can't be real and honest and open.

xoxo

Amber B said...

I'm just wondering if anonymous has really read ALL your posts Really? EVERY post? What does that mean for HIM as a man? Is he struggling with some sort of long distance fascination with you? If HE were a guy dating you?

I might be off base (but really, my psychology degree says I'm not) but it sounds like SOMEONE has a little preoccupation.

Sad, he could have been THE ONE Tara. And he didn't even leave his name. *snort*

Anonymous said...

you are so greatly loved. and so greatly justified in feeling all these things. i still feel them. i am here with you. always.

that person up there is a douchebag.

xo, k

Anonymous said...

Wow. That ought to help with the endless sea of first dates. "I need to get married NOW so that I may procreate!" You come across as so horribly desperate. So very pathetic...

The next step should be a natural progression, not a declaration.

jules said...

Anonymous, that's just plain mean. You come across as so horribly rude. Do you talk to people that way to their faces?

Cassie said...

Wow, Anonymous. Clearly you're not so anonymous after all, as no one but a dickweed with a personal grudge would post something so nasty, untrue, and so utterly without merit. Why don't you take your ax and grind it up your ass.

Tara, you never sound desperate. And even if you DID, so the fuck what? It's YOUR BLOG. That's what it's here for - for you to write down your thoughts and share them. But that's a moot point, because you don't. You sound like you're being honest. There's nothing wrong with wanting what you want. If you were on here talking about trapping some dude for his sperm, that would be one thing. But to wish for long-lasting love, a home together, babies...that's not abnormal or desperate or anything Anonymous said. That's just what you want at this stage in your life. Love will find you. It WILL. Hang in there, my sweet. xoxo

erin said...

hey guess what anon?, not all men are emotional retards and are actually at the same place--ready to get married and have babies.