lasting reminders...

i keep hearing snippets of a british accent, and i instantly get sad. he's still on the online dating site that i'm on... and he keeps showing up in my mutual match section... 97% compatible. i wish i had an easier time focusing on the idiotic faults of his, instead of missing all the good parts. because i'm really, really missing the good parts.

i won the lottery to see HAIR last week... it was amazing... and people were naked on stage, i had no clue. apparently my jaw hung open well after the lights had come back on for intermission. whoopsie. i saw star trek today as well. GREAT BIG FAN. they cast that movie so well... can't wait to see what they do next.

my camera died a few days ago and i'm driving it to a canon service center tomorrow in hopes that they'll be able to fix it... b/c i really cannot afford to shell out a few grand for a new camera right now (which i'd have to do since i'm shooting a wedding in copenhagen in two weeks).

i'm having mini anxiety attacks, and with nothing to do to absorb my time, all i'm doing is fixating. i'm out of this apartment in three weeks...and then i'm homeless. it all tends to weigh down all at the same time. i get tired of pushing back. it's all sort of daunting... and i dont need all these reminders that shizzle is sort of sucking right now. not at all.

an lic scrub...

i love that i feel no remorse whatsoever when i walk downstairs to the coffee place below my apartment and get coffee... not having brushed my hair or teeth, and wearing ink stained scrubs (that really look like i had a purple accident but whatever) and a tank top. i slap my dollar down on the counter and the girls know that i need my small coffee, two sugars, half and half.

just over two months after being laid off, i'm still not working, and have no new photo gigs coming in. somehow, the fact that the guy i was seeing decided to break up with me via text message a few weeks ago, has faded into nothingness... and i'm left wondering 'who was the guy that i was falling for in the beginning? because that certainly wasnt who i got towards the end'. that cowardly slow fade maneuver. why can't people just TALK to each other? i will never understand men. every girlfriend that i have swears within an inch of herself that she'd easily marry me were she a lesbian. whatever. maybe it's my own fault. i only let a select few see the magic... and only a certain kind of man is going to be able to understand and appreciate the magic.

the point is... he's gone and out of my life... and all i'll take with me is the memory of seven orgasms in one go. seven. monica geller would be proud.

with the window slightly cracked open to let in the cool spring(ish) breeze (happy spring), i can smell the beginning scents of the lunch service at the local chinese joint. this is what i've been waking up to lately. suddenly i'm awake and craving chicken chow mein. what the frick. i'm on a pilates kick, and ordered old school tai bo dvds in the mail. they're taking forever to get here, but i am DETERMINED to get my shizzle back together myself. no gym memberships.

i have a date tonight. with a man that has a small hoop earring in one ear. at what point in the scheme of the dating can i gently suggest that he get rid of it. because really, my inner self is screaming 'STOP BEING A GAY PIRATE, THIS IS NOT 1992!!!'...

or something.


i promise to write every day. it's a goal. so stay on me about it.

my love commune in scotland...

i feel like taking an entire day off, taking my laptop and headphones, and curling up in a big overstuffed chair somewhere, and doing some writing. i think one of my biggest problems is that i always feel like i have so much to say... but when it comes to the point of actually writing it all down... i can't seem to find the words.

i go back and read old blog entires and think... i wrote that?

the fall/winter always makes me feel excessively emotional. i think it's pretty clear that i'm an emotional and sensitive person... but for some reason, the cold makes me feel excessively so. one wants to get cuddly... and hold hands... and be read to. when in real life does that actually happen? does that happen in your lives? b/c it doesn't seem to happen in mine.

hope is an interesting concept. when do you stop hoping that things will work out and go your way? when do you let go of the romantic optimism, and settle into not-so-subtle realism? i'm impatient... i want the goodness to start now. but then again, i always seem to want the goodness to start right now.

i watched ironman again last night... i really do have a giant gaping crush on robert downey jr. hopefully one day, he'll become my fourth husband. once i start my love commune in scotland, of course. p.s. if the republican ticket wins... i'm starting a love commune in scotland. you're all invited.

kthxbye

what exactly is the point again?

i think it's pretty much a given that i'm the listener in my group of friends. well, i should clarify... when i lived in my hometown and the majority of my friends also lived in that city, i was the listener in my group of friends. as time goes on, and i continue to embrace this new town, i find that the holes that i left when i moved away are quickly being filled... to the point where you wouldn't even notice that a space for me had even existed. people are having a hard time with family issues, and relationship issues... and where i normally would be the big ear and shoulder (listener and hugger, if you will), now i hear things later. after they've talked things out with so and so, and so and so new friend was there last night to be the voice of reason etc. why does this bother me? i have no effing clue.

or maybe i do. because when you invest in a friendship or relationship with someone, you want to continue to be as important to them, as they are to you. regardless of where i live, i still keep three or four names at the top of the list that are my emotional dumping ground, and the people that i turn to when I actually need to talk about things. it just hurts to realize that this isn't necessarily the reciprocated case. this has been brewing for awhile...

i'm seeing a lot of breaking up and separating... marriages, friendships, relationships... ending. and i wonder why i stay away from such things. because endings SUCK. and the last time that something really ended for me, it was almost three years ago... and to be honest, i don't really ever want to go through that again. i found some old pictures that used to hang on my wall... and my roommate was looking at them and said "he's HOT!"... and my heart actually ached.

i think i've officially lost my optimism when it comes to love. if one more person tells me that something has ended because "the timing wasn't right", i'm going to throw up on the spot. timing is bollocks. if two people can come together and agree to work at something, because it's within them to be together... then you just DO. no one says "hey i'm in love, lemme check my watch to make sure it's the right time". you don't make excuses, you find the way to make it work. and if it isn't within you to make it work... LET. IT. GO.

some of you are reading this and thinking "oh shit, she's talking about me"... "she's angry that i vented to her yesterday"... and that's just not the case. multiply your problems with that of six other people, and you'll understand what i've been listening to for the last twenty four hours.

good riddance, love. i've lost my faith in you.

doubt is a vicious, vicious beast...

and once it enters the room, the entire dynamic changes. in the span of a few weeks, i've gone from new excited companionship... to doubt... to spending time with someone who leans away from my kisses. i can't even begin to tell you how much that affects the soul. it's crushing.

life tends to throw all kinds of curves at you... usually challenges and negative what nots to try and throw you... but i also think that you're never presented with challenges that you can't handle. so when someone goes from adoring the sight of me, to leaning away... i know that it's not me. and without allowing myself to get too cynical or bitter, i know i'll be fine... with whatever happens next.

i'm still here... and i'm better than fine.

gutwrenching perfection...

there really is nothing better than being sucked into the middle of a wonderful story, having it rip you apart, and leave you resting in a puddle of your own mix of joy and despair... tears streaming down your face... contented smile tugging at the corners of your mouth.

i read the Myth of You and Me by leah stewart last night, and it was absolutely beautiful. a well written story about the dynamic of friendship and what fear can do to you. if you're a member of tara's book club, go pick it up immediately. and then call me so we can talk about it.

when life gets a little rough and/or tumble... add a little sunshine

dating is hard. it takes a lot out of you... all that being on your best behavior, putting your best foot forward, remembering not to belch in front of someone new (that hasn't yet been introduced to the cacophony of your burps), having to put makeup on and shave your legs, the not so joyous tasks of letting someone down that you like but don't LIKE, and then starting all over again when you realize that the current crew just isn't hitting the high notes... or more to the point, making YOU hit the high notes.

i signed up for another month of match.com... it's payday and i was in the mood. last month garnered 1300 profile views, 212 winks received, 73 emails, 7 first dates, and 3 second plus dates. frightening statistics indeed. i swear i'm going to start saving the gem openers that i'm receiving from some people... just so that we can all giggle later.

since usually winter is a tough time for me, i'm delighted to find that i've stopped biting my nails again and i've got some significant growth going on here. that's good stuff. means that i'm not feeling anxious. the only bad thing about this winter is the beluga like coloring of my skin right now. way to make a girl feel NOT awesome. so i just bought this (the bff from california just introduced me to it last weekend and it's amazing):



there are worse things then being pale and awesome... but tan and awesome is just a little bit better.

mental note: must book plane ticket back to seattle soon so that sugin can fix my roots. spring is soon to hit NYC and i must be prepared for full dactyl shenanigans.

weird dreams are made of thee...

i had an utterly bizarre dream last night. normally i don't remember my dreams, i am merely left with a vague sense of memory, or adventure, but i never remember specifics. for some reason, i remember almost all of my dream last night. and it included a bunch of people that i've never met before, but they all had distinguishable faces and names. i ended up falling in love with a man named steve. i have an ex named steve that i sometimes think about and wonder the 'what ifs' of me actually moving to new jersey six years ago and actually marrying him... but that's neither here nor there. he married someone else last july and we no longer speak. moving on.

the man from my dream was named steve, and he lived in a house with his sister and a few other people. it was a big house, and the main bedroom had a big bed that was low to the ground. there were a lot of weird adventure related elements to the dream that i won't bother going into... but the odd piece of it that is still resonating with me is that i felt loved. whatever relationship i was creating with this steve in my dream included him loving me. and as sappy as this sounds, it's been so long since a man actually loved me, that i woke up with tears on my cheeks. so girlie.

my dreams are sometimes a foreshadowing of what will occur. i have had instances of supreme deja vu, or experienced something that i KNOW i dreamt about a few nights or weeks before. not to say that some guy named steve is going to love me tomorrow, but for some reason i woke up feeling really hopeful this morning... and very anti the bullshit.

i even wrote a few emails to men that i've gone out with over the last few months that sort of pulled a slow fade or just haven't followed through on the things that they said they'd do... we all know how i love the slow fade... and i feel better having at least put it out there that i don't appreciate the cowardly bow out.

gotta love being thirty...

a shmilly bit of shhmistocation...

it's friday, i have zero plans tonight... and to be honest, nothing sounds better. i cannot wait to get home and just relax. i feel like i've squeezed two years into one week... eventhough nothing notable happened. so bizarre.

do ever just get tired? tired of waking up in the morning? i was discussing this topic with pinkangel earlier, so i'm not going to get into it at length again... but at what point do you just get fed up with the half life while trying to be patient for the full life to find you. she suggested that i go out and find it... but you can't find love, and you can't magically create some lovely familial image out of a crockpot (or banged up rice cooker in my case) and secret spices from the cupboard (i only own nutmeg, if you're needing some).

why is it that i get so disturbed by other people leaving newspapers in the public restrooms at work? and by "people", i mean "women"... because that's the restroom that i go into every day. there's always that little receptacle attached the stall door that allows you to dispose of your naughty vittles... but please dont leave your US Weekly in there. how much time are you REALLY spending in there to warrant bringing in the actual mag or paper? i bring W into the bathroom with me at home.. mostly because if i'm in the middle of a good article, i'll want to keep reading even while "divulging" (we'll call it)... but that's at HOME for crying out loud. i do all kinds of things at home that we wont really go in to... but geeeez.

tracy chapman is playing on my itunes channel now... so i'm going to go belt out 'gimme one reason to love you' in my head. of course i'll need to stop typing to you, in order to do that.

what?

there is a sea in me...

there is a sea in me...
deep inside me a giant sea,
only a tiny boat in which to cross.
the oars...hidden,
the wood...weakening,
but made from the stuff of magic.
this boat in me is so small you see,
and comfortably makes passage for one.

there is a sea in me... deep inside me a giant sea,
welcoming of travellers but knowing few.
the water... cold.
the passage... uncertain.
daring the intrepid man to interrupt its waters.
the sea in me seems so vast you see,
resolute, entreating this passage for one.

this last glimmer of hope i see.
a preservation to battle against the sea.
a lifetime of worth and ease.
failing all else,
there is the urge to swim...

in me.

between "her" and "me"...

(from an IM conversation with one of my best friends yesterday, because it was an interesting discussion, rather insightful, and i wanted to share it with y'all... excuse spelling and grammatical shortcuts):

me: i HAD good biz on saturday morning
the immature jerk... the honest stuff comes out when they've been drinking and then they go running for the scaredy little hills when more sober.
i'm too awesome... i'm tired of hearing that
her: what happened?
me: we met out... spent nine hours talking about all kinds of amazing things... made out...slept over.. sex didn't happen til the morning... he stayed til noon, we napped, ate breakfast. he said 'we have our numbers, we'll make it happen'... then nothing since then
no HI, no so glad i met you etc
deflating
her: no shit
me: like
i haven't a conversation that amazing in YEARS
her: did he say something that would make him freak out?
like "omg, i just showed i'm vulnerable, can't call ever again"
me: totally
her: that's redonk
me: yup
like it's MY fault that you like me and therefore i should be punished
her: this might be a stupid question, but are you going to call him?
me: i'm not sure
her: if he's really scared, i doubt he's trying to punish you
me: i might... in a few days. one last ditch effort.
her: more like running away cupping his balls
me: yeah
it still makes me really sad though. i'm tired of this reaction
it's one big rollercoaster
her: i know
i understand
me: like what is so inherently bad about me, then men dont seem to like after one day?
will i be alone forever?? maybe... maaayyyybe
her: well... i don't think you're bad or they're bad
i think you're ready and they're scared
me: yeah i spose... all these years of me being a chickenshit, and now that i'm ready... THEY're all chickshits
her: i don't know why or how it happened, but "men" in our generation will avoid responsibility at ALL COSTS
me: its true
how did that happen and why?
her: i have theories, but that doesn't mean anything
mostly it's a poor example they've learned from
me: well i usually like your theories
id believe that
her: and the fact that we women and our feminist tendancies have decided it's a GOOD thing to take up all the slack
me: which i do NOT think is a good thing
her: men are no longer being good providers, so women got back to work
men are no longer being protectors so we protect ourselves
me: this makes me want to cry
i'm going to blog with your insight btw... that's very smart
her: men are no longer being good fathers, so we're inseminating ourselves, marrying other women, making sex a "physical need" instead of part of a companion relationship
it's just completely backward
we WANT chivalry from individual men, but culturally we expect men to get the hell out of the way, treat us as 'equals'
no wonder they're confused
me: seriously
her: personally, i think feminism is the saddest, most tragic development in modern culture
it's our own damn fault


feel free to chime in on this...

you can be my bodyguard, i can be your long lost pal...

it's not just me going through things... it would appear that at this stage in life, an asston of people start questioning their paths, their goals... the way their lives are going (or not going as the case may be). for those of us that AREN'T making six figures at the age of 28-30, we begin to wonder what all the effort we put into our daily lives is for.

is it the right move for me to move to new york, for example, and invest two to three years in the publishing industry, when that isn't going to guarantee that i'll be able to focus and pump out an amazing commercial novel... not to mention have it picked up and published by a good house? is writing my avenue? is it a GOOD thing that i took a massive paycut to move here and pursue this, all the while wracking up more debt and living a just-slide-by existence? what's the point? and having ten people as devoted blog readers does not a best seller make. can i assume that the general masses are going to want to read what i have to write? who knows really... but i suppose that it never hurts to try.

that was a tangent, i wasn't even going to write about that originally... but i just read a slackmistress blog about her disenchantment with her life as a struggling writer, and it gets me thinking. that's all.

anyway, back to 'going through things'. a little while ago i had a falling out with someone that i'd sort of befriended... and it ended in a melee of angry emails (on her part), with her calling me self absorbed, etc. and i calmly refused to agree with her. and as upset as i was about that incident, my rational mind had to work out WHY the relationship had unfolded that way. and the answer is this: there are some people in your life that you tell things to, and some people in your life that tell you things, and very few people in your life that get to know and have it all.... the true reciprocal love that is a great friendship. and with this person, i really didn't care about her, and she might have me. and that is where the communication failed. i am an endless outlet for divulging feelings... for some reason people like to unleash the floodgates at me and tell me what's going on in their hearts. i am a great listener... usually. i give good advice, and even via online communication, offer comfort. i very rarely unload to others... and if i do it's usually to the same few people (which i'm sure is overwhelming, i just don't want to complain over and over and over again, so all twelve thousand of my friends get the latest gist)...

obv there's a lot going on in my little noggin right now... must... get... out. why am i even talking about this?? i don't remember. SEE!! this is why i can't concentrate and write a bloody book. my brain cells aren't working together.. it's a team effort here folks let's get it together!!! this weekend, i'm writing chapter one... photo editing be damned.

a date with myself and other tidbits of "business"

i really do have odd names for everything... it's not an intentional thing that i do with language, i just put words together in bizarre ways... it's sort of my thing. i like having a thing, or things... depending on how oddball i'm feeling.

last night, after a week filled with responsibilities, i decided to put off all work and just have a date with myself. i got home and instantly put on the jams, popped 'stranger than fiction' into the dvd player, put on a pot of boiling water for my one artichoke (cooking for one will be a whining topic for another day.. when i actually feel like whining of course), got online to order my freshdirect for today, and settled in.

i'm in the final countdown to girl time, and who knows if other women have this 'problem' but i tend to get a little fiesty (will fiester than usual, let's be honest) during the last three days before armageddon. needless to say, i decided to really have a date with myself... so i checked the arti... aaaaaand took care of business. i am not a ride the wave, twelve hour sexcapade, multi orgasmic individual. i'm a one massive, smack the wall, yell your name (if applicable, i have yet to actually yell my own name, but might as well have in this instance) kind of person... and then, please leave me alone. i won't be able to form words, i don't reeaaaally want to cuddle, please lord just let me relish. anyway, last night... for the first time in my ENTIRE life... i gave myself TWO. yes people, you heard me correctly, I HAD TWO IN A ROW!!!

i have girlfriends that like to sort of brag in the tellings of their sexcapades, and how many times they finished and all that la la la. and i've never been jealous, b/c i've always been supremely happy with my big one (as opposed to their smaller many)... but i have to tell you, i was rather a big fan of the multi-BONANZA that was my date with myself.

i should date me more often.

in other news, a guy that i went out on a date with last week (aka rode the motorcycle with), has decided to send me a picture of his business. as a sort of, here's what you're in for kind of a thing. except this particular image that he sent me is of another girls face about to give HIS business the business. now why does this turn me off? hmmmmmmm. i'm all for sexy time, and a little pre naughty talk to get a person excited for the actual business... but really, you ruin the surprise. and if you are going to blatantly push your agenda for the business, i'm going to lose interest in you faster than you can take off your clothes. and in this man's case, i'm going to assume that with that much practice, he's got that down to a science.

cheers.

the letter j is my nemesis... literally

i dont know what it is about the letter j and it's ability to just tear me to pieces. every emotional breakdown i've had, because of a break up or a relationship gone bad, has mostly had to do with the guy having a name that started with a J (ironically, my best friend's name starts with j... so this is the universe's way of saying that i should really be a lesbian.. bygones).

it happened... AGAIN! even in the briefest of interludes i met a man in this city that was actually interesting, and good looking, and talented.. and passionate about so many things... i was actually excited to get to know him. the first week = magic. three great dates and many hours spent together talking, eating, watching movies, and just getting down to the good stuff. week two = the antithesis and the slow fade. if you don't know me then you aren't fully aware of my 'isms', but the slow fade is something i came up with a few years ago to coin a man's sudden failure to communicate... and slowly and quietly slip out of your life without one of those communicative discussions that could be quite simple if someone just said 'it's too fast' or 'i'm not really into you' or 'i'm an idiot and want to be with someone skinnier and with less of a sense of humor'. who knows what goes on inside of a man's brain, but the 180 slow retreat is the most cowardly move i've ever been privvy to. and yet...it happens to me alot. not a LOT, mind you. but i find that the men i meet just can't seem to be honest about what's going on in their little brains.

and so i'm left a little curious, and a lot of wounded... sort of sad, and pretending that someone i've known for 2.5 weeks doesn't have the capability of reducing me to tears by simply deciding that he's not as excited about me as he was when we first met.

alas... the letter j... you've thwarted me again.
check mate.

my valediction prediction...

just go with it... it rhymes.

i have very intelligent friends... i do. i'm not going to lie. such things usually make me feel good about myself. for some reason, new york has provided me the opportunity to increase the knowledge level of my friend base. why is that you might ask (or you might if you actually cared about what i had to say... so thank you... for those that actually, in fact, you know... care)? i think it's because there's a pretension that goes along with this place. people really seem to care about where you went to college, and what you studied, and the number of degrees you have (because one bachelor degree doesn't really cut the mustard), and all that flim flam. whatever. sit at a table with me and my coworkers on any given day and this will be the round up: yale, yale, stanford, harvard, oxford, brown, yale, university of washington. pretty sure that last one is the dactyl (good call). it amuses me. but at the same time i can't stand verbal showboating. it's a fine line, but in the publishing industry, advanced vocabulary is routine.

i left los angeles because i couldn't stand how plastic the city was... and not just in a surgically cosmetic sense... the people just seemed to have no souls. i lived there for two years and didn't generate one meaningful relationship with a single person there. tres boring. but i find that i dislike new york for the opposite reason. there is meaning, but does soulfullness exist here?

back to my original topic... whenever i find myself puzzling over the meaning of a certain word or concept, i know not to trouble myself too greatly with it. i simply lean my head out my office and ask the general nearbys what the answers are. more likely than not, it is my bff at work R... and in today's case he came through for me. again.

during lunch S posed the following question: i know that the opening of any letter is called a salutation, but what is the closing called? the answer: a valediction. R wins again.

and now you can all consider yourself enlightened...