i am the author of my own legend...

since i've been back in town after the holidays, i've been extremely solitary. part of that was due to my being sick, but even now that i'm feeling back to normal, i just want to be quiet. seek some sense of peace perhaps? i'm not really sure. i'm starting to wonder if i'm sabotaging my move here... meaning if i don't go out and meet people and see the city and enjoy myself... LIVE, in other words... then i'll despise it and move on... or move back home. i don't know why i'm doing this, per se, but i think that i am. and maybe this is me acknowledging that fact. saying something out loud (because clearly i'm saying all of this out loud whilst i type it) makes it real. i just don't know what i'm afraid of.

it occurs to me that people will perceive in you exactly what you want them to see. if you exude anger, you are angry. if you show them fear, then you are afraid. if you don't display confidence, they will not know that you are in fact confident. the key is to walk with your chin up... turn the music up louder, sing if you have to, skip while you stream down any sidewalk. just remember to live in exactly the very fullest version of you that is inside of you. and do not be afraid. fuck "them". because no matter who you are and where you are at this very moment in time, you are perfection. the author of your own legend.

i have a plan.

i haven't been sleeping well. i haven't been able to get myself asleep before midnight, and up in time to wake up and be alert by the time i get to work. i hit the wall at 2pm again. i feel like taking naps at my desk. i had to fix it... so i went to the gym today after work and kicked the everloving bajeezus out of myself. my arms aren't moving very well, but at least i managed to tucker myself out.

via this online dating endeavor, a guy started emailing me today that looks frighteningly similar to my exboyfriend. seriously. they may be related. i even said as much to the guy and he asked to see a picture. even HE said that they look spookily alike. i really don't think that i can date someone that looks like someone that i already dated. what if i shout out the wrong name? and really, i don't want another reminder of that wasted time of my life. next!

in other news, i watched an advance dvd copy of i am legend last night. why no one bothered to tell me that it's a movie about zombies, i'll never know. you jerks. here's me reading every metacritic review before i see a new movie from now on. i can just imagine... had half-asian jacob been here to sit with me while it was on, he would have been jabbing me in the sides to make me jump even higher at the suspenseful parts. p.s. i didn't like it... and my opinion has nothing to do with the zombies. and p.p.s. long sweeping views of a completely desolate manhattan, with shrubbery growing in odd places and birds chirping (who hears birds chirping anymore?!), is completely unsettling.

bygones and good night.

blue water woman

my own lady of shalott:



There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

- Alfred, Lord Tennyson

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random bits:

a male friend emailed to tell me the good news that one of his friends got engaged towards the end of the week. i thought perhaps that we trying to get me a photo gig, but no... he was telling me because the woman was 31, so there was still hope for me. oddly, this did NOT make me feel very good.

i let my roommate talk me into going to 'urban rebounding' class this morning at the gym. basically it's an hour of jumping up and down on mini trampolines and throwing your arms every which way. i'm tall, so i had to keep my knees bent in order to jump smaller and stay on tempo with everyone else. i shant be taking that class again, although a solid workout and i can feel things beginnging to sore already, my back and knees are killing right now from the impact of it all. bygones.

i spent part of my afternoon at my neighbor's place eating black bean chips and delicious salsa while we watched football. i love football. since i was up until three a.m. this morning reading, i excused myself early today because i'm now so tired.

at this moment (well not THIS moment obv), i'm in bed reading a good book, sipping on sleeptime tea, smelling my favorite candle burn, and listening to the gypsy kings. sometimes gentle perfection is easily attained. if you just look within yourself when you're quiet, it is there.

love.

a shmilly bit of shhmistocation...

it's friday, i have zero plans tonight... and to be honest, nothing sounds better. i cannot wait to get home and just relax. i feel like i've squeezed two years into one week... eventhough nothing notable happened. so bizarre.

do ever just get tired? tired of waking up in the morning? i was discussing this topic with pinkangel earlier, so i'm not going to get into it at length again... but at what point do you just get fed up with the half life while trying to be patient for the full life to find you. she suggested that i go out and find it... but you can't find love, and you can't magically create some lovely familial image out of a crockpot (or banged up rice cooker in my case) and secret spices from the cupboard (i only own nutmeg, if you're needing some).

why is it that i get so disturbed by other people leaving newspapers in the public restrooms at work? and by "people", i mean "women"... because that's the restroom that i go into every day. there's always that little receptacle attached the stall door that allows you to dispose of your naughty vittles... but please dont leave your US Weekly in there. how much time are you REALLY spending in there to warrant bringing in the actual mag or paper? i bring W into the bathroom with me at home.. mostly because if i'm in the middle of a good article, i'll want to keep reading even while "divulging" (we'll call it)... but that's at HOME for crying out loud. i do all kinds of things at home that we wont really go in to... but geeeez.

tracy chapman is playing on my itunes channel now... so i'm going to go belt out 'gimme one reason to love you' in my head. of course i'll need to stop typing to you, in order to do that.

what?

quality television and my tooshie - in cahoots.

who knew that the bravo channel could provide such amazing motivation to go to the gym?! as you may or may not know, i do not have cable right now. as an attempt to get myself out of the house more, i decided to forego the cable. i'll read more... i'll go out for movies more... okay not really. i'll ass-rape netflix more is what i'll actually do. but anyway, i don't have cable.

so, imagine my delight when i realized that i can catch up on all things bravo channel while kicking my own ass on the elliptical machine! i used to suffer through even twenty minutes on that thing.. my feet fall asleep, i stare off into no man's land (because i don't wear my glasses while working out and can't see THAT far ahead of me without them), but now... i watch project runway reruns and giggle my way through forty minutes of ass kicking awesomeness.

gimme six weeks... just six weeks to get back into the kind of shape that i can be proud of. come christmas time i'm going to be running the streets nekkid... due to sheer joy at the sight of me. it's been long enough...bitches(and i'll be all caught up on my quality televesion, spank you very much).