goodbye summer...

it seems so odd to me that it's suddenly august. well tomorrow it'll be august, if we're really being technical. but where did the summer go? i look at all the new yorkers and tourists and what not sweating their asses off with disgruntled looks on their faces... and i'm thinking all that sweat has GOT to be leading to weight loss... but then i look down at my own sweaty body and notice... nope.

life just keeps ticking by... and the more that i think about it, the more i wonder... what the hell am i doing here? not so much here... but HERE. with this life. i walk the sidewalks and have these conversations with myself (in my own head mind you, we wouldn't want people thinking that i'm crazy), and i have these ideas about what direction i think a novel should take, and by the time i'm sitting down again, i've completely forgotten what i would have written down. i so don't want to become one of those writers that walks around everywhere with a tape recorder... but i really might have to do it.

i pay attention to the random bits of information available on the subways... and i've seen this passage many, many times, but for some reason... reading it yesterday sort of stabbed me in the chest. i'm sure you've all seen it somewhere:

"There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter — the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something ….Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion." - E.B. White

i agree with this thought wholeheartedly... and it serves as a great reminder for me to continue to be passionate about my life here and what that means. i need to focus on my passions and stop worrying about other unnecessary actions or courses. i write... i photograph... i remember that i am passionate. i am a person of passion.

now if i only i could get laid. :)

the things that go on in my mindscape...

one of my good friend and coworkers likes to torture me via new music. and it becomes torture because once i discover something new that i love, i listen to it over and over and over AND OVER again until i then hate the thing.

but this song... i mean i LOVE it: you'll have to click here to listen since it won't let me embed

i've had a weird cough/cold for the last two weeks... someone brought it to work and of course my lungs just grabbed hold of it and haven't let go. i hate waking up at 3 in morning due to a coughing fit. i mean really, it's just dumbski.

sent out a few emails today, reminded a few people that they SAID that they wanted to shoot, and am being proactive about finding some photography jobs. it's been a weird summer thus far in regards to my creativiy... aka it's been nonexistent... and at least now, i feel myself pulling out of that a little bit.

the new apartment is really coming along, i've got my faux wall o cubes up and it's beyond brilliant. if i could somehow find my way into ownership of some ceiling fans and window a/c units i'd be all good in the hood. money is dumb, just in case you were wondering.

i've also been cooking up a storm. if i had my druthers, i'd cook a meal for the household every night. does that mean that i'm ready for full domestification? who knows... but i'm practicing. :)

it might be the weather or just the storm clouds in my head...

i can't seem to shake this pervasive feeling of tired. i get into bed exhausted, and it takes me several hours to fall asleep. then in the morning, it takes over an hour of hitting the snooze button to get me out of bed. it's been like this for the last two weeks i'd say. is this because of the change in season? i don't feel particularly melancholy... a weence stressed b/c of financial issues (always) with moving and what not... but i'm not actually sad. i'm not sick. i'm not anything.

i'm looking forward to this summer with big eyes and an open heart (which is a nice change). i have high hopes of NOT dating... and of not caring that i'm not dating. because to say that i'm tired of pretending to be charming and tired of pretending to not get my hopes up when i meet someone new, is a severe understatement. i just want one of two people to come back, give me a very large hug, and tell me that i've been missed (followed by some sort of naked smooching activity). unless that's going to happen, i don't even want to bother with the rest of it. over it.

my mother was in town over the weekend, and i joined her and her also 60-something friend for high tea at the waldorf astoria. her friend kept asking me question after question about my life and where i was going etc, and my mother just sat there. like she finally GOT that i didn't like being constantly pestered about my future. when i said somewhat flippantly "i figure that if i'm not married by the time that i'm 35, i'll get articifial insemination... twice... and be done with it"... and she nodded. she NODDED. my "i want my daughter to have a perfect life, and get married, and have lots of babies, and be successful" mother NODDED her agreement that such a path would be okay for me. like finally it occurs to me that my mother doesn't so much want me to be happy for her own sake, she actually just wants ME to be happy. it's like my heart just burst open and i can breathe again.

the fact that spring is extending itself past one week in april is beyond lovely. i like this cool breeze, and drops of rain pretending to freshen up the dirty city streets. in my opinion, it can stay. stave off the swass season, i'm fine with that... although last night i found myself putting on the hooded sweatshirt that was sitting at the foot of my bed... because i was exceedingly cold, and because sometimes when you want to cuddle up to the person that ISN'T sleeping next to you, it's important to wrap yourself in something familiar and comfortable, and tuck up in your own arms.

for some odd reason, my period came an entire week early. i couldn't figure out why i was being such an insane yatch two weeks ago. now i know... it was early pms. and one would think that if the period comes a week early, it's done a week early. but not so. i am currently enjoying day ten in the trenches. welcome to the wonderful world of NOT awesome.

p.s. i did not enjoy sweeney todd.