family time...

i suppose it's always a little bit dangerous to spend any length of time with friends that have small children, because afterwards i'm left with this overwhelming feeling like i'm missing out on something. 10 days with a 5 and 7 year old... 4 days with a 3.5 year old. my best friend just got married. i want whatever is next.

i think i've exhausted myself of the single life. i don't like it. i want the next stage, the whatever version of happily ever after that's supposed to be mine. i still hate dating. i hate the insecurities that it triggers in me. the 'if someone wanted to see me, they'd make an effort to do so, why aren't they making an effort?'s... etc. and it doesn't mean that i'm not satisfied within myself about ME. b/c that's not really the issue. i'm not satisfied with the single me. and i'm not saying that because i need someone else to 'complete me', and all that bee ess. i'm saying it because i want my legacy to be seen in the joy of my children's faces. that's it. so what do i do to get there? it's all very strange.

the crazy traveling for photo work is finally over. so now i'm back in new york, jobless and apartmentless... and now is when i really begin to knuckle down and figure it all out. get it all settled. and also when i start freaking the hell out. i begin to wonder why i bother staying here. what exactly is keeping me here?

it's always the same things with me, right? right.