i am standing...

whisper to the wall

as i wither, wither, wither.

and i wallow in the sound of footsteps walking away.

with my face pressed tight against this cold, crisp wall.

i can hear your heart...beating.

beating.

beating.

batting me down

below the barren bones

my body pulses.

picking just this poignant place

pretending to prepare for

perception.

pregnancy pauses alone and pressed against the wall.

this face, this cheek

this pelvis collapsed against everything.

i mold to it... to this wall and to you.

it is my anchor and you are fleeting,

as are my memories of emptiness.

they are forgotten

easily.

there is no wall.

i am standing... always.

if i could just go back... if i could rub everything out... starting with myself

my hip muscles are sore today... in a 'you had great sex last night' kind of a way... but there was no sex last night (or the night before that if you're on the two day to sore bandwagon) so it makes no sense. i'm trying to remember what kind of dreams i was having last night, b/c maybe i'm pregnant via imagination again, and was having a mid slumber imaginary boinkfest again. who knows. all i'm saying is that my hips are sore. in that good way.

they are testing the fire alarms in my building this week. so all week long we get to listen to someone yelling through the intercom 'THIS IS ONLY A TEST!!' (i must type in caps so you get the full effect) and then the droning and obnoxious 'uhnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn' noise for ten second stints at a time. uber annoying. and no one seems to care, the volume of their speech just gets a few decibals louder. i find this exceedingly amusing.

admission: all last week and part of this week i was a little cerfuffled by the loss of my new black bermuda shorts.. the wear to work kind, that i'd purchased whilst in L.A. a few weeks ago. i may have mentioned it, but i couldn't find them ANYWHERE and even called and texted jasean ninety times asking her to look in her laundry baskets and under her bed b/c i knew that i'd lost them. well yesterday i got to work and had a sudden moment of brilliance when i realized that i never bought black bermuda shorts whilst in LA... i bought black pants. and they are hanging safely in my closet. all this tells me, i am SERIOUSLY losing my mind.

but now i really want to go buy black bermuda shorts. ;)

carry on.

hey mom! can we get some meatloaf!

my lovely coworker and work-related bff rakesh just made me privvy to a lovely e-card site, that i might be in love with... if you suddenly find yourself the recipient of the following, consider yourself loved:



i'm really excited for next week... if only to get the hell outta town and regain some perspective about my life and how things are going. it'll be nice to be around jasean... who i've known for over ten years and can be completely myself around... and just relax.

i've been thinking about the new york me lately... because that person certainly isn't anything like the seattle me... or the fuller picture of the me that i know. did that make sense? checking... yes... moving on. i find myself holding back here... i laugh less, i engage less, i emit less and omit pieces of more personality more than i usually do. and i'm wondering why that is? because a friend or two have mentioned recently that my loud outbursts are annoying... and maybe a little frightening. a higher level coworker snapped at me the other day, when my cackle carried into her office down the hall. and frankly, i almost started crying... like there's something inherently within me that people either don't get or don't like. and i'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that.

i mean, my mother just smiles and shakes her head at my excited rambles... because she knows that's how i've always been... engaging and endearing and a little too hyper and eager to entertain. my friends in seattle just got me. plop me down in front of any of my girls and i wouldn't have to say a thing, and it'll still be the time of my life.

arija thinks that in general i might be too giving of myself... and maybe that's true. should i stop that? who knows... but it's what i've been thinking about lately. i wish i was a painter, if only to spend an afternoon covered in splotches of color and spreading my thoughts across a canvas.

in other news, i'm going to see a decent sounding apartment closer to work this weekend (somehow i'm squeezing this in, and i have no idea how its going to work)... and if all works out, i'll have one less stress on my to do list. herewith we shall begin crossing our fingers...

and i thank you.

a life of maybes and almosts...

i'm actually not bitter... i'm really not... i've come to a point where i can relax comfortably in the knowledge that my love life is an endless sequence of maybes and almosts. new relationships that hold some sort of promise and potential, halfway passion moments, obvious connections that seemingly go nowhere. whose fault it is, i have no idea... but this is my life.

i got a phone call late last night... well i returned a phone call late last night... to the gentleman that i went on that great first date with a few weeks ago. he'd been rather MIA, and when someone does the whole 'i'll call you this week to schedule something' and never actually calls... you know something is up and that he's really just not that into you. because face it ladies, if he was into you... he'd be calling. you'd know that he wanted to see you, because he would (in fact) be making consecutive plans to do so.

so when i hadn't heard from him in a little while on the phone, i knew the jig was up. as it turns out (and this really is my favorite), he got drunk with a group of friends last week and ended up making out with one of his best girlfriends. the next sober encounter they decided to talk about what happened, and discuss their feelers... and of course, have tentatively decided to give it a go. now in all fairness to me... and her it would seem... he didn't think it was a good idea to continue to see me, although he was REALLY looking forward to it. he was empathic... and therefore i capitalize for your reading pleasure.

i, being the calm-minded person that i am when i go emotionally numb, told him that the best friend scenario is usually the best way to go about finding a true romance and wished him all the best in the his new endeavor. he just kept talking... and dragging it out... and THEN said 'i just want things to be cool between us in case things don't work out with her and then you and i can maybe pick things up again in the future.' i said 'oh yes, because i'm definitely going to just sit here and wait for you to end things with your best friend turned lover'... since our one date was sooooo earth shattering. please. i know what he MEANT to say, but he did an extremely bad job of saying it eloquently... or even in a non-insulting-to-tara sort of a way.

bygones.

i shed two tears out of frustration... and today is, of course, another day.

the weekend was glorious. i got a lot of extra sleep in, spent time in central park with arija and jacob, and found time to drag jacob to an almost chick flick in waitress last night. adrienne shelly's last film before she was killed... and it was delightfully quirky and charming. please go see it.

enjoy your week... i know that i will.

carry on xoxxo tlc

as luck would have it... this is my life...

two items of note this morning:

1. i am wearing my i'm a sucker for diction t-shirt.

2. it is bring your kid to work day.

carry on

well i know mel gibson and hamlet didn't say that.. it was that polonius guy.

i'm feeling inspired by a friend's recent blog post where he's talking to himself. so i'm going to create a conversation with myself:

me: that's a great skirt you've got on today.

tara: it's pink... and flouncy... i like it.

me: well i do too. but you should have washed your hair today.

tara: i should have shaved my legs too, but who's keeping track?

me: apparently, you are.

tara: true story.

me: you really don't care do you?

tara: not lately. and i've been trying to figure out why... why i can't seem to put my best foot forward, and let people see and enjoy 'me'... err YOU rather.

me: i was thinking about that last night while we were doing laundry. what's the deal?

tara: i've gotten so used to saying 'i'm fine' that i've stopped feeling things. i'm pretending that i just don't care anymore... since caring seems to get me into such trouble.

me: that's not true... my tears brutally rebuff that statement.

tara: i know. but if i keep telling you that i'm fine, then i won't have to think about things.

me: well that blouse makes your ass look fabulous.

tara: thank you. and a good point.

me: we will know love again.

tara: i hope so... and in the meantime, i'll take today's 'entertaining others' shift.

me: i appreciate that. i'll be over here reading and sipping my vanilla latte.

tara: cool beans.

me: we don't say things like 'cool beans'.

tara: eh... well i gave it a shot.

me: solid effort... now please pass me a tissue.

subway shenanigans and other tales of woe...

yes, i said woe... not wow... nor WOH as joey lawrence might proclaim after seeing my tots. whatever.

yesterevening on the ride home from work, our car was treated to a little bit of saxophone. well actually two times. the first man was lovely and gave us some jazz, and i was briefly saddened to find out that another sax wielding vagrant had gotten on our car and started yelling things, which made the lovely jazz player leave.

the new guy said that he was an alien (he had sparkly dealie bobs on the top of his chapeau for crying out loud) and said that he needed money to fix his spaceship to get back to his home planet and that he wasn't allowed to speak earthly languages but would speak his alien speak to us... aka shrieking sax noises a la the twilight zone theme song. then he moved down to MY end of the car and did it again... i don't think that i could hear for a few minutes. redonkulous really.

in other news (and oddly timed as it would seem because i made k watch in and out over the weekend), but i saw Zak Orth http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0651008/ taking his kid to school this morning in my neighborhood. he had longish hair and a beard, but i'm QUITE certain that it was him. we made eye contact... i almost said 'what happened? i was FAT!'. but i didn't... that would have been righteous though. and yes, i did just say righteous.

starbucks, in an effort to create new flavors of crack, have come out with dulce de leche beverages... or as i'm now going to call them, flan in a cup. i decided to try this little treat this morning and it's like wedging sugar into your gums... it's that sweet. and like i need any more sweetnes... i'm just sweet all on my own. <--- you should see the expression on my face as i'm even attempting to type that. think gay man with a beard and sweater vest... i mock myself because i can.

my roommate j came home from visiting her parents over easter weekend with giant bags full of nuts. yes... i said nuts. apparently there is a festive little nut shop right outside her hometown that sells nuts and dried fruit by the bagful... for like a dollar. she called me from the nutshop (i'm going to hang a sign over my bedroom door that says this i think) to see what little delicacies i would enjoy... i said pistachios. soooooo now there's a massive bag of pistachios in our kitchen... to go with the huge bag of peanuts, dried mango, pineapple, gummy strawberries, whole figs, deep fried peas, and macaroons. needless to say, we aren't wanting of snacks in our household right now.

it's wednesday... one of those days where i wish i was at home in bed... doing that thing that you're supposed to be doing on a wednesday. i mean, why would they nickname it such a thing if it wasn't directly correlated to the naked bonanza?! happy wednesday folks.